Sunday, April 5, 2015

compromise or accomodate

"Please get your shirt on H I need your help please!". "Honey find his socks help him please we are late again." It's another Sunday and another Sunday we are late for Church. We already missed the sunrise service but I didn't hold high hopes for even making that one. I race from one side of the house to the other. "Ella find a shirt, brush your teeth, feed your animals; HURRY we are running late." She looks at me as if I am crazy. I am I am running around on Easter Sunday morning barking orders instead of just letting everyone relax with their goodies and have fun. "Nevermind Ella I will do your hair just please baby hurry!!"
After a small sprint before the marathon I call Church. We load up in the car, holy cow its 10:10 we NEVER leave the house that early. Wait hold on I tell myself we aren't late thank God! We can get a good seat I can have time to settle H and maybe I can listen to the sermon today. Maybe. In the back I can hear H saying he doesn't want to go and that he just wants to go home. This could seriously go either way at this point. Who knew the one Sunday we are actually early the church is already full with close to 100 people.
I let out a heavy sigh. We are greeted by our friends Scott and Stephanie and told we could sit in front of them. A sweet older man sat at the end and said he would move if we needed his seat. I told him it wasn't necessary as H generally sat on my lap or the floor. Or in this case today he opted for the nursery. "Loud mommy, it's loud!" "Mommy I need to leave mommy its loud and lots of people," I looked at the gentleman apologized and excused myself and H. The church is never this full, however it's Easter and we had a guest speaker. I felt obligated to go since we had missed last week and I missed ladies group Wednesday due to illness.
"Lets go in mommy, I want to play with cars." We walk in I settle in to the rocking chair. The room is empty. Service hasn't started yet so I stand up and go to the door just to watch everyone else. Talking and mingling. We know two families maybe three at this church, well I do Chris knows everyone. I am trying to fit in and mingle but with H it's almost impossible. I must have lost track of what I was doing because when I looked back up the service had started. H was laying on his belly rolling his cars back and forth. His new obsession from his Easter basket. He is content and seemingly relaxed. I retreat back to the rocking chair. I ask a few times if we can go sit with daddy. 10th try is the charm. We quietly, well as quietly as we can for us walk back into the church. We lasted 2 minutes the music played and he was done. We make our escape again to the nursery.
Just once, just once I want to hear what is being said. The nursery has speakers but to me its not the same as actually sitting amongst the congregation sharing this time with the other families  It's not the church's fault its a small congregation and the pastors wife works with special education. She gets it just as much as I do.  I hear the pastor ask for the children to come up to front. This is a crap shoot for H normally. "H sissy is up front do you want to sit with her?" "Momma I go see Ella and sit mommy." Round 2. This time he makes his announcement as he walks in as he looks for Ella rather loudly. "It's a good thing he" is cute I mutter as I stand at the back doors of the church. He sat with Ella. I was so relieved. When it was said and done he wanted to retreat back to the nursery. Of course he did.
We had the room to ourselves and then slowly others came in. It was a longer service. Two parents with infants came in they fed their child and then walked around. Four children around his age walked in. One begins to take his toys, pester him and causes him to become upset. I ask the child to stop no luck. Go figure. "Now what?" I say to myself. Back with congregation we go. The guest speaker is still talking and H is laying on the floor. I heard part of it but I was so focused on H I missed most of it. I am growing resentful and irritated. Why do I even bother showing up each week? I have yet to sit through a sermon.
We get up for our final time. I let H just play in the entryway. This time I hear almost nothing of what is going on and just watch. It's not the church's fault. They aren't supposed to cater to our needs. I like this church. Do bigger church's have better accommodations? They are huge there and I hate getting lost in a crowd and just being a person. Do I sacrifice the possible ability of accommodations for the convenience? Do I put off church so that I take the stress of of us?
I am at a crossroads. I want us to be involved in a church and support my husband who is suddenly able to feel comfortable and socialize amongst others. I just hate putting H through this and myself. Ella and Chris seem unaffected which is good. I want this for them. I realize that not everywhere we go will have accommodations and be able to meet our needs. I don't feel like we are entitled to or deserve some sort of special treatment. I try to seek out places though that I know are a good match for us. I know that H has to start getting used to more of the real world. Kindergarten will be one of his biggest exposures and real world submersions. I know soon he will realize he is different and I don't want it to be a huge issue for him. I want him to know that there is a place for him in this world and that it's not always going to be easy and it's not always going to be able to cater to his needs.
I've analyzed this whole situation today and I know that while it would be easier to find a bigger congregation that probably has a way to meet our needs, it won't meet all of ours. I am ok with his needs not fully being met for once. I know that maybe one day he could get comfortable with this and until then we will just chill out in the nursery.

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