Sunday, November 28, 2010

Life back in the swing of things!

Well it has been a month now that I have been back home, back to work and back in a routine! It really went by so quick. I spent most of the last few days thinking about all the events over the course of the last 4 months that have changed everything. I think this mostly came on because I spent my Thanksgiving with my kids and husband out in Abilene. Being there this past week made me really miss life out there and the time with my husband.

We arrived Tuesday night after I got off work for our Thanksgiving break. The kids were so excited to see the duplex and just be on vacation! Wednesday was mostly spend shopping and baking while the kids played outside and enjoyed the new surroundings. Wednesday was also the day that it really hit me how much I love being out here. The duplex is big and roomy, it has a wonderful kitchen to cook in, a big laundry room, and just over all lots of room with updated appliances etc. I always compare my condo to this place and well there is just no comparison. Honestly come on I would much rather live in a place where I can open my doors and windows and still feel safe, were I can take a nice long walk and not worry about the people who are around me, and the kids can just run outside and play and run and be well a kid and I don't have to think about some nut job wanting to take off with them. This is how I want my kids to get to live and well a life for me also. But that is just the difference between Dallas and Abilene.

Thanksgiving day was busy busy. I do not think I sat down once! I pretty much cooked and cleaned throughout the day but I didn't care because I had all my kids and my husband together to celebrate. So dinner might have lasted less than 20 minutes but the fact that we actually all sat at the table together and shared this meal meant so much to me! I really spent the evening thinking how thankful I was for the family I have, that I have Hunter here with us, and that my husband is home and not deployed! This month marked 1 full year he has been home. He has not ever been home for a year at a time so this to us was a big deal.

By Friday I was dreading the fact that our trip was coming to a close and that the following day we would have to head home back to Dallas. I really love the peacefulness that being out there brings, having neighbors I actually know and talk to, these are just things I don't have where I live. I know this sounds like I should just pick up and move and if it was that simple I am sure I would but there is so much to take into consideration besides just me, I have 3 well 4 very good reasons why I am not packing up a U-Haul and moving out. Those reasons would be Sean, Hannah, Ella and my job. I am not selfish I think of the big picture. Anyways we made the most of the day by making goodies, putting up the tree and other Christmas decorations and the kids of course assembled a gingerbread house. They had such a great time I loved watching them play together.

Saturday morning came and I was just full of sadness. It meant that the break had come to an end. I hate packing! Some how we got the truck packed and loaded in about 45 min! This is a record for us. Around this time I started having trouble with my left eye. I spent the whole car ride growing so frustrated with it. Ella slept most of the ride and Hannah and Sean read or played video games. Hey I can handle that!! We got into Dallas around 7pm dropped Sean off and then headed to my house to wait for Jason to get the girls. Right after they left my eye had finally decided to swell shut so off to the ER we went. No big deal just an eye infection and scratched cornea. I'll be on eye drops for about 10days.

While we were there Chris and I realized that 13 weeks earlier we had just finished up dinner up in ante partum and discussing when Hunter might be making his appearance. I won't ever forget that Sunday morning my nurse DeeAnna told me it was my lucky day and I would be having a baby that day! That's when it hit us that 3 months have passed so fast. Well make that 4 months. So much has happened and changed it is crazy. A month ago I moved back to Dallas to go back to work and resume some sort of normalcy. I will say it was a slow rough start but it is getting better. Hunter did get his 1st ear infection a week ago but ya know what he is a good sick baby so I can't complain. Sean has made great progress with his own health and it makes me so happy.

So in one way or another things are back to normal. Now we are gearing up for Christmas break which is 3 weeks away. where is the time going?! Well the lil man is up and needs to eat and I need some sleep. Back to the grind tomorrow. I can hold out a few more weeks for a nice vacation.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Long overdue!

Wow 3 months since I have updated. Part of me thought about it while laying in my oh so comfy hospital room for the 7+ week stay that I had. But I got lazy and figured facebook would be easier to update. Looking back I think maybe blogging would have helped me in my stress relief but oh well hind sight is 20/20 right?

So as most everyone knows I did in fact end up going to Chris' promotion ceremony that weekend since well that is where all my excitement began. I was so proud to be apart of his day so proud and excited I ignored my bodies signals to tell me to take it easy and slow down. Something I don't think Chris and I will ever forget that day was his commander saying as he shook Chris' hand was.. " What a great weekend for you, a promotion and what about a baby?!" We laughed and I said " Oh no not quiet yet we still have a few weeks to go!" Maybe he knew something I didn't ha ha! Long story short very early Sunday morning I was taking by Care Flight to Dallas to Medical City Dallas for preterm labor and severe Pre Clampsia. My blood pressure was rounding stroke levels that day. From July 31st till August 29th I was to be on bed rest.

Hunter made his grand 5 week early entrance on August 29th at 7:47pm. The whole ordeal was somewhat traumatic. My blood pressure was out of control. I was pumped full of what is called Magnesium Sulfate. This was to control my BP it's effects where horrible. At one point there was talk of a C Section and I made it very firm and clear there would be none of that! Hunter must have gotten the message because a few hours later he was on his way out! The scary part was once he was born he never cried. He was rushed away. I never saw him, never held him. It was at the point things became such a blur and I was sinking quickly into a sad depressed state. I later learned through a horrible ordeal with some nurses that my son was not really able to regulate his breathing, and his body temp. He was struggling to eat choking and throwing up most of what he was eating. I was devastated. I was not able to see, hold or bond with my baby. I was to sick to leave my bed and he was to sick to be away from the nurses. The 18 hours after that where a blur. After a wonderful conversation with our pedi I was able to see Hunter after each feeding for about 15 minutes. It wasn't much but I was ok with it. That lasted twice he got to sick and it was then decided since he wasn't breathing normal and eating the right way he must need to go to the NICU. I was crushed. I was told he would be put on what is called CPAP. Somehow by the grace of God he didn't need it. By 10pm that night I was finally able to see my son. I however still was sick my BP was so high I should have had a stroke. I think someone up above knew that being with my son was what my body and mind really needed to help me through this.

In the days following we spend 10 days in the NICU. We learned how got his breathing to mature more, he was able to to actually take a bottle and learn how to suck, swallow and breath. We dealt with jaundice and rapid weight loss. In a matter of a day and a half we went from 5lbs 10oz to 4lbs 8oz. On September 7th after passing the car seat study and going 5 days with no major alarms we where given the ok to room in at the NICU before going home the next day. While our stay was only 10 days and minor to most of those babies in the NICU. It was still a real wake up call. We had a pod mate who was born a micro premie and was just as cute as could be. She was a real fighter and we became friends with their family. Their daughter after over a 100+ days there got to take their baby home. Every day when Chris and I would walk into our pod we felt almost guilty for being there. Hunter was thriving faster than we all thought and not nearly as in need of help and sick as her pod mates. The day we left I felt horrible I couldn't look at the other pod because I felt guilty for taking my baby home. They had been there month's we had been there days. It took me some time but I finally let it go and knew that every baby was different and we where all there in that NICU because we needed to be there. The hardest day though was when we had found out a baby had passed. We didn't know the family but still seeing it all was just horrible. I held my baby extra tight that day and was thankful for all that I had.

I have now spent my maternity leave and recovery here in Abilene with Chris. I must say it has been nice. We moved into a nice duplex a few few weeks back. I love this neighborhood and am sad to have to leave here on the 30th to go back to Dallas. Dallas is where my family is though. I need to be back in my routine of work and raising my other kids. They need me and I need them. I can't have my cake and eat it to. I have loved being out here, not just being with my husband but just the lifestyle out here. We have friendly neighbors, it's quiet and safe, and I feel comfortable and safe. But my home and life is Dallas. Am I worried how it will be once I am home and don't have Chris to help me? Yes and no. I will be back at work and Hunter will be right there with me across the hall safe with is loving teachers. I am more nervous about how Chris will be once we are gone. We still have weekends and with the holidays coming it will all work out. We have made it this far and I know we will continue to make it all work.

As for the kiddos they are doing great with school. Hannah has glasses now and from the picture I have seen she looks so super cute and sophisticated! Ella loves kindergarten she loves it so much she can't stop talking!! Actually she is doing better according to Jason after her parent teacher conference. Sean is just as smart as ever and doing so well with school. Even with his health issues while I was in the hospital and having to miss the first week of school he has not let it slow him down. We had some rough patches but he has done awesome. We are still awaiting his genetic test results. My heart breaks when he hurts and when he went through his ordeal this summer. It made it worse since I couldn't be there. Myranda though is awesome and really has a great handle on all this. I really don't know what I would do if he didn't have a step mom like her! She is like a 2nd mom to my children. I trust her more than I trust most people with my kids.

Well this is a long enough update and should catch anyone up that might have been in the dark! I think once I am back home and settled I will do much better with the updates. It feels good to be writing again. Thanks to those who reminded me I needed to update!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Another family update

So it's been about 6 weeks since my last update. Not to much is going on but life is still as busy as ever. We survived Sean and Hannah's birthdays and their parties. So birthdays are done for now thankfully!
Hannah had her testing done at Scottish Rite we go in a few weeks to get her results. She said it was not to bad and we did learn we need to get her vision tested. So here in the next month we will get that checked.
We find out this week if Ella will be going to Stonewall Jackson with her big sister and brother. Please keep your fingers crossed. Ella is really hoping to be there and so are we. The hearing seem to go well last week and they loved Ella.
Sean has been enjoying his summer at the YMCA camp. He is really coming into his own with his own style and stuff. It's amazing how much he really has just grown up. He will be in his last year of elementary school this year and has a busy year planned.
A month ago Chris found out he made his next rank as Tech Sergent. He has been working really hard for this and I am so proud of him. He sews on this rank on Friday. I am hoping to be there to be a part of it but not sure yet. It would make his day though if he could have his family there. Sean is hoping we can go too. He is wanting to see this and he likes taking the trip out there.
I am sure most of you want a update on baby Hunter. I had my glucose test today. Won't hear back for a few days on how that went. There are still concerns seems to be new ones so we are just taking it as they come. I barely gained 2lbs in 6 weeks and my measurements are not looking great. They haven't changed much at all from my last visit. We have an apt. to go get a Ultrasound Saturday morning. They want to check his growth and fluid levels. On the upside I am dilating so that is good. I have an apt. in 2 weeks but it might be sooner depending upon my results. Just keep your fingers crossed.
As for me, my school stuff is just about finished. All my stuff is turned in I just now wait to see if it's all complete and then submit it to the CDA council and wait for a date to meet with them. That should be this fall. Once that is completed I will aim to complete my Associates degree and take more classes in the Spring.
I will wrap this up with how excited I am about looking at this baby stuff around me! We have diapers, wipes, clothes and bottles. We also have a stroller and some toys and we are picking up a bunch of stuff this weekend from family. We are so excited and thankful for it all. It's starting to make all this more real. It's making us more nervous and scared. But in a good way. It's been 5 years so hopefully we aren't to rusty at the whole baby thing ha! I have spent tons of time on Babies R Us and Carters. I have so much stuff on my wish list and registry it's crazy. I am having way to much fun and I know Chris is too.
Well it's time for bed. Busy week ahead and I need some sleep. Ha ya right sleep is now a thing of the past! But it's ok I don't mind. But still rest is always a welcomed thing here! Good night all!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Busy! Busy!

Evening folks! I promise to make this blog a bit more enjoyable than my last. I was just having a real down time with things and had to vent so to speak.

So this past weekend was wonderful in so many ways. Friday night my husband came home and we attended a wonderful rehearsal dinner for my little sister Jenny. Jenny is my middle sister who lives in Austin. Her husband Nate is such a wonderful man. He is so smart, funny and loves my sister like mad! We had a great dinner at Momo's where we sat and talked the night away with family. I loved sitting with my sisters and cousin Kristen reliving our childhood days and the crazy things we did. I have to say Jenny's hair dying faze topped the chart! HA HA!

Saturday Chris and I had an enjoyable breakfast at Chick-fil-A. Then off to run last minute errands and grab Sean. The wedding was at 7pm at my cousin Kristen's house. She has raised Jenny like her own daughter for the last 12 years and she has done an amazing job. Her house was set up quiet nicely inside and out for this wonderful ceremony. The service itself was held out doors. Yes it might have been a steamy June night but with the nice breeze no one seemed to mind. The service was lovely short and sweet. Nate was not afraid to show his emotional side. I have posted the pictures to my facebook page I hope to have more from others soon to post. We had a great time and stayed till Jenny and Nate where ready to call it a night!

Sunday was Sean's 10th birthday party! Wow can you believe on the 22nd he will be 10 years old?! The time is just flying by! We had his party at the Galleria. He wanted to do broomball so him and about 7 of his friends went and played for an hour. We had some wonderful cake and Cici's pizza. I think the party was a hit. Thank you so much David and Myranda. We had a great evening!!

Monday morning was my doctors apt. Chris and I have been a little nervous about it due to what has been going on. Of course what kind of morning before a doctors be without what I later found out where contractions. I woke up did my usual routine of a breathing treatment ect. and decided to lay back down for a few since I was tired. I started having the most horrible cramping you can imagine so bad you can't talk or move! It's been 5 years since I have had pains like that so of course I really don't remember what the "real" contractions feel like. Of course this caused Chris to worry a little and when I was able I said I was fine and why worry in an hour we would be at the doctors. It happened a few more times so I casually mentioned some severe cramping ect. She looked alarmed and then I was really alarmed! I was put on monitors for a stress test for 20 minutes to check Hunters movement and see if they detected anymore contractions. Fortunately for both of us nothing happened except a child who really, really does not like the monitor pressing on his "home"! He did plenty of movement for everyone to be satisfied that I would not need to be admitted to the Ante Partum unit again! Thank you son!!
They also tested for infection and all came back clear! They did say if I continue to have these contractions to call ASAP for a recheck. We also discussed my lungs and agreed that I should check in with that doctor this week to make sure all was clear on that end too. I have an apt. later this week.

As most of you know I am trying to finish up my Child Development Associate Certificate. This has been a long process due to so much family stuff coming up preventing me to complete it. The time has come now and now I am registered for the summer course at Brookhaven. I meet with my professor/ advisor on Thursday to check out my resource file ect. and make sure I have everything completely 100% in order ready for my evaluation from the evaluator from DC! It has been quiet nerve racking actually. I hope that I have this completed well before Hunter decides to arrive. That is my goal and I feel very strongly about it. I just hope everything is the way it should be Thursday so that I can get this show on the road!

Well that about catches everyone up for now. I am sure I will blog this weekend. Hope everyone has a wonderful week. Time to go catch some zzzzzzzz's!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Not myself

Life has been good since being home from the hospital. I had this new found momentum and was zipping around nicely through the house cleaning, organizing, making dinner ect. This week though for some reason I have started to crash out. It started when my dishwasher decided to not work. So of course making my nice elaborate dinners after that was a chore because well everything used had to be washed by hand. Ok so it's not horrible right but still not how I like to do things. That was going great till the sink plumbing decided to back up into said crapped out dishwasher and then spill it's smelly nasty contents to my kitchen floor and my feet. So now no dishwasher and no sink. So that means very very limited cooking. Where is the plumber you might ask. Well since my landlord found the only man who won't work past 5pm and do not give authorization to OT, I am to patiently wait till 9 am Saturday morning for my plumbing king to arrive. Yes I could call and protest this with my landlord but for reasons I just don't want to get into right now I am not and will just suck it up.

While yes that situation up above shouldn't lead me to feel the way I do it's now that I am trying to complete my Child Development Certification and I am trying to get that together and organized for my professor/ advisor next Thursday afternoon. I spent my whole weekend going through my storage bin of school stuff to get that organized. I also need to finish some training certification that I started back in early March. I spent a good 10 hours on that this past weekend also. While yes that sounds productive I managed to do laundry just be lazy and not put it away. I made dinner and let the dishes sit. This for me lately is not how I work and has made me feel terribly guilty and well lazy. My living room used to be so clean and spotless now it's covered in books, papers, training material and other such stuff. My cool Poang chair from IKEA is covered with all sorts of school books, training books and other such resources. I have never felt so not me. I have really been hard on myself for this sort of thing.

Here is the deal. Every time I have been pregnant I have prided myself on being a hard worker who does my job every day and does what and more is expected of me. I never use being pregnant is a excuse or reason to not do my job. I am pregnant not disabled. I don't ask for extra breaks, I don't ask for special requests I just do what I would do if I wasn't pregnant. I work 9 hours a day if not more, come home make dinner, bathe my kids, clean my house, do laundry if needed and any sort of training or school work. I don't have or ask for any help. I do what any respectable working mom would do who prides herself on her work ethic. There is just this part of me that still feels like it's not enough especially right now. I have heard through others at work that most expect me to be lazy, use this as an excuse and just do the bare minimum. It sends me over the edge in frustration and anger. THEY DON'T KNOW ME! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!! I have since the day I knew I was pregnant work just as hard if not harder to show that even though I might be pregnant I cam still as good as I once was if not better. I waited till I couldn't wait anymore to make public that I am because I know how judgemental some of my coworkers could be. I was right. So sad.

Of course I still get the crap about having so many kids ect and that "I don't need anymore" and "Don't you know what causes that?"! i just try to shake it off but still. This pregnancy has had far more problems that I have ever encountered. Not just this stay in the hospital but things I have found out while I was there. I never expected any of this and while it has caught me off guard I have to stay on track and stay focused. Until you know my situation and what is going on it's really no business of any ones how to judge my capabilities. And while yes in a few months this will be over honestly it will not. It will be the start of other issues that have to be dealt with. Things that honestly I am not sure yet I am ready to share and discuss. Things that Chris and I are still trying to mentally prepare for. Yes these are huge "what ifs" But they are still there and still a part of our decision making and life. We pray we get lucky and avoid these uncertain outcomes but only time will tell.

I want this pregnancy to be a happy, wonderful, joyous time. This will be my last time to ever enjoy this wonderful amazing experience. We want to live it to the fullest the best that Chris and I can. I want this to be positive and exciting. We want our family and friends to feel and be the same as us with this. We love this life we have created and are so excited about all we have ahead. We want to share that with everyone and hope they feel the same.

So yes I am not feeling myself and maybe once Chris comes home for the weekend and I have my partner to tag team in for a few days that might help me get back on track. I want to feel me again and be the person I was. I know I will just need to be patient with myself and know soon she will be back.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Belly pictures 22.5 weeks.

So here we go as promised some belly pictures that Chris and I took of my now every growing belly. I am also trying to load them up on FB but aparently FB does not want me to show the world my lovely baby bump!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Some catching up to do!

So wow it's been since Feb. since I last updated so I would say that I am long over due here!

Chris and I got married and with that found out we are expecting our first (and only!) son together at the end of September. We are beyond thrilled though it has been a rocky road. We found out we where having a boy during my week stay in the Antepartum unit over Mother's Day. We are naming him Hunter Tyler.

Otherwise life has been well life. Busy, crazy and hectic. Chris had knee surgery and is still recovering and Hannah fell and fractures her wrist and hopefully in about 10 more days we will be done with this cast! We are wrapping up the school year and Sean is ready to start 5th grade though he says he will miss 4th grade as it has been the most exciting year for him yet. Wow my baby who is turning 1o in a few weeks will be in his last year of elementary school! Hannah has had a busy year in 2nd grade and we have had to go through a lot but she has pushed through stronger than we have ever seen and are so proud of her no matter what the outcome is at the end of the year. Ella is excited that she only has a few more months of Pre-K and talks non stop about going to her big brother and sisters school in the fall to start Kindergarten. Wow my babies are just growing up and next year will be the one and only year all three of them are in the same school together at the same time. I feel I have a busy year ahead of me! Hunter will make his appearance around the 27th of September since we are going to be induced. So yes that means a whole summer of heat!

Speaking of Hunter.... We found out about a month after our marriage I was pregnant with him. We are both excited to say the least. Though we have also been on eggshells too. This by far has been more difficult than any other pregnancy I have had. I spent a week in the hospital with a raging infection and a asthma attack that would not stop. During that time we where told that our son has two bilateral cysts on his brain and for now it is a wait and see game if this has effected any of his genetics. So far they have ruled out one genetic disorder and we are hoping that no news is good news for the others. We go back June 14th for another ultrasound and blood work.

The kids are rather excited about the arrival of a new baby brother. In fact they talk about it all the time and I think it's exciting. They all have commented on how much they love having a big family and someone to always play with. Ella by far is the most into this and has a sudden infatuation with my every growing belly. Hannah and Sean however just stick to the basics of asking questions and don't really seem into the whole belly thing.

So this is as good as an update you folks will get for now. I plan on having some belly bump pictures this weekend so that you can in fact see what I mean by my ever growing belly! Steroids are also a huge help in why I am so big for 22 weeks. But he is active and doing fine for now so I can't complain. I am enjoying this pregnancy so much and have had fun showing of the bump and look forward to him growing bigger and bigger!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Does it really matter?

Wow I have slowed down in my blogging. Life had been well life and I have just been so busy and tired to post. Then around Friday in my head I started putting together my next topic. It's not anything to do with my family or our daily happenings but more just thoughts of mine new and old coming together to form my really odd way of thinking and justification on things.
For many years I always had this ideal expectation of how my life was suppose to be. I saw how everyone in my family was and told myself this is how your life is suppose to turn out when you get older. Where my role models the best at getting me to that point of my life? No not really. Is it an excuse? No it's not. I always saw my family with nice things everything so nice an orderly. "perfect" marriages that lasted (my family was the exception, well in a way.) with there children in their well set little lives. There was no chaos just organization and order. The exception that I say was my family was because mom had never been married before and well my dad had been twice before my mom. but still if you looked at our family you never knew differently. I would always say that I would go to some great college get a degree in teaching or something, find the most amazing man, get married and then have a wonderful family with tons of kids and we would each have these wonderful jobs and have the life that I had growing up. I saw each of my young family members, i.e cousins and such, do the exact thing I had set out to do. As I saw each one of them attain their goal I knew that I would be there soon enough and I was excited.
About my Senior year of high school my life took a big turn. My parents no longer together, I no longer lived at home, my mom suffered from several problems and my siblings where really needing something positive in their life. I said with various family members till I graduated. I was living with my aunt Ann at the time and was so thankful for all she did for me that year. I walked across the stage and graduated just barely but I did. After that I lost my way I guess and my life never quiet turned out like I had once planned on. I guess I was the black sheep. I lost my desire to go to college because I guess I felt boys where more important well ok one in particular. I guess it was the fear of being alone so I stayed here with David. I found work I didn't make to much but I was just proud to be working. A year later David and I found out we where pregnant with Sean. There is for sure another thing I was not planning on that. I knew right then and there the way my family saw me was a total out cast. Shortly after Sean was born David and I realized we just where not meant to be together and we went our separate ways.
I found a place to live out in Addison and was doing well I thought. A few months later i met Jason. At this point I told myself that it was all me now and that I am pretty sure I was the hot gossip for the family. The eldest Goldstrich daughter who used to come off as responsible now a single unwed mom at 21. Yep I was definitely going places. Jason worked for the same company as me and we hit it off as friends right away. The plus was that he loved kids and was always found hanging around Sean's car seat entertaining him while I was working. When he was permanently moved here I offered him a place to stay till he got on his own two feet. I guess things between us grew because he never moved out and we became a couple. A few years later I found myself married to him. It was a disastrous wedding but by god I was married. Ok something was starting to go according to plan. Or was it? A few weeks later we found out we where pregnant with Hannah. I was excited. I figured hey I am married now so having a kid is a good thing. Or so I thought. By the time Hannah was born we where in no position to be having a baby. I was hardly working and Jason was having trouble at work. By the time we hit November after Hannah was born both Jason and I where out of jobs and needing to move. As last ditch effort we moved to Chicago. I hated it. Looking back I totally hated it. After a rocky marriage, a bunch of problems happening with Jason and work and the birth of Ella we moved back to Dallas and about that time I saw things coming to an end. A year later I was right Jason's troubles finally had over run everything and I wanted out.
I usually sat there and though none of this is how I wanted it. I am now separated I have 3 kids, with 2 different dads and again I find myself out of a job. I was reduced to sucking up pride and getting on govt. assistance. I had now hit an all time low emotionally. I felt like this huge failure and a total outcast to my family. Even now I look at all my family and still feel the way I do only for the fact that I never finished school, had one child not married, divorced with a marriage that I think we forced/rushed ourselves into. I just couldn't drag myself out of this low. I at least had a job now and had been doing something that I enjoyed. I might be working 10 hour days and coming home to do more work but I was taking care of me and my kids. I paid for everything I had, my own place, my electric, phone, Internet, the girls needs ect. What I didn't have and still don't is a car. A means of freedom and Independence for me and the kids.
I sit more focused on all my failures and what a screw up I must look like to all those around me. Yes I am engaged to a man I love more than anything but the downside he is 3 hours away. Being together as a family seems almost unattainable and makes me feel as though this is somehow destined for failure though we both swear that it wont. I feel so embarrassed for myself on all my stupid choices in my life that make me look so ridicules and family embarrassment. Every time I want to fix a mistake I somehow make it worse and make everything worse. I just want people to see me for me not my stupid life choices. I want them to see me as a good friend, a loving mom, a hard working person, and a person who tries to put others first. Yet I feel like I am seen as this secluded hermit who never spends time with friends, an over worked mom who doesn't get to really enjoy my full potential at being a mom, and that I am selfish because I want to be happy and sometimes sick of seeing everyone walk around with this life I want.
I guess just for once instead of being seen as some social outcast I want to be seen for me for my true potential, for all the good that I do or at least try to. I feel that I look and judge my life on how everyone around me turned out. If you look around you will see no one took the path I did no one was stupid enough to make those mistakes I have made. I broke the mold I chose the path I did so I guess what is the point of beating myself up over this since i did it to myself? I do it because I feel that I deserve to feel bad for the choices I made. Do I regret having any of my children? NO never. I just regret putting them through my bad choices. They didn't ask for it.
I look to this new marriage as a new start to my new life. A chance to make it up to me and my kids. But I feel even now I am not fully going to be able to do it. I always let my doubt take over. I some how let my past repeat itself. I don't want it to this time. I hope to eventually somehow manage to make my life out there with Chris. My goal is to have my girls go with me. Why not Sean? His life is here with his dad and step mom, his life with me is weekends and holidays. It's the way it is and how we do it and it works. I hope to have an agreement like this with Jason but I know deep down that it's going to be almost impossible to have him agree on it. But i pray that maybe somewhere down the line he will agree and know I would never take his daughters away from him forever but just a few hours away. I guess it's so much to think about and it becomes overwhelming.
I think I have reached a point where I have lost track of where I was going with this and has now let it become a point of just rambling. So I will wrap this up. Chris has gone home for the week, the girls will stay with Jason and enjoy the rest of his super bowl party, Sean is going to head to bed here soon. I think my home for the night will be the small not so lonely couch. It works. Night all.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A little of this a little of that!

So I am sitting in the car last night with my wonderful fiance and he turns to me and asks... "when are you going to update your blog it's been awhile?" I was like well maybe tonight I don't know I mean I really haven't felt well and I don't really have to much to report but I am sure I can find something to write about.
I guess in my last blog I mentioned we had set a date for the wedding ect. Well as most already know I had a slight freak out/breakdown and have just decided to do Justice of the Peace. I want to have a big party though for all my family and friends so we can celebrate. We have changed the date to Friday Feb. 26th on Saturday Chris and I will head to the Ft. Worth Stock Yards to take some newly wed pictures with my wonderful friend Heather with Chunky Monkey Photography. Chris is so excited he loves the Stock Yards and I know this will be a super fun place for us to do some cute pictures. So for those of you who had cleared your schedule for the 27th of Feb. sorry I don't mean to disappoint but honestly I can't handle putting a wedding together and I need something low key and simple.
I know my sisters are disappointed they had such wonderful ideas but I do hope to use them for our wedding celebration. Jenny sent me some awesome invites to use so I can't wait to use those. I also know Jordan and Jenny have a signature drink they want to use so I am sure they can't wait to put that all together either. As for registering I am really getting to it. I have had a few people ask already but I am going to register at my fave place.... Target!!
I have been sick off and on for about 10 days now and finally starting to feel like I am getting back to normal. I love having Chris here to take care of me on the weekends. Unfortunately he has weekend duty next weekend so it will be a quiet weekend with just Sean and I. I am sure he will love having mommy all to himself. Or maybe he will just love having the Wii and Xbox ha ha.
The kids are doing great at school and at home. They are always busy and up to something. Hannah and Ella have a skating competition in Plano the weekend of Valentines day. Once I get that schedule I will post it on here and FB so that those interested can come watch.
Well like I said not much to report for now. Sorry so short and boring. Maybe more soon. Hope everyone is doing well and has a fantastic week. Well I am super sleepy and off to bed. Night all!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Here comes the...................

Yes if you fill in the blank correctly that would be bride. Since around Christmas Chris and I have been discussing whether or not we should wait till after his next deployment to get married or just do it now. After talking to much debate and talking to family we decided why not do it now, that along with other news on Chris' end has help us decide this is for the best for us. To dispel any rumors also no we are not expecting that's not why we are pushing up the wedding.
After spending the last few days myself just contemplating after some recent issues also I figured that I needed to just buckle down and start making plans and get the ball rolling on this. Tonight I sat down and said that's it we want to get married in February since after that it gets busy with birthdays and my sister Jenny's wedding. I also did not want to overshadow her wedding either. So tonight I emailed my family and said give me your addresses and clear the date Chris and I are getting married Feb 27th! Since I sent that out I have been overwhelmed with responses. That's why its taking forever to do this blog tonight.
I love that my sisters have been emailing me with wonderful ideas! I love the fact they are so into this. My aunt and my cousins have also been full of ideas also! So I have a amazing photographer set, My cousin Julie will officiate the wedding, I have my aunts house for the festivities, My sisters have picked out signature drinks and have come up with a yummy menu, Chris and I have picked out and purchased our wedding bands, so now all I need to do is find a dress, pick out some flowers, get some music together, and figure out the other pieces to this and make sure its exactly how Chris and I want this.
Our plan is to take the Friday before and Monday after off for this wedding stuff. I am excited, nervous and scared thinking about all of this. Why do you ask would I be scared and nervous.... Well a month ago my divorce was final and today would have marked mine and Jason's 8 year wedding anniversary. I know that this time is so much different but still those fears linger in the back of my mind. I know how happy we will be and we will have a wonderful life together. I am excited about our new life and all that is to come. Everyone has given us such wonderful advice and I am thankful for all of it.
Now its time for me to wrap this up. I need some sleep and time to talk to my man! I hope to start blogging a bit more now that this wedding is coming up. Hope everyone had a wonderful New Years. I know we did. Good night all!