Thursday, January 27, 2011

The long good bye

It's 11pm on Thursday night and while I should be heading to bed I am wide awake. I have started my good byes today and wow this is hard. I guess I never thought this day would come. Tomorrow will start one of the longest days ever!
Tonight was filled with high emotions in our house. While it might not be said the things that have gone on the last few days in our house show quiet clearly how much this is effecting them. I took each girl aside and told them how much they mean to me and its ok to tell me how they feel. Both told me they were both happy for me and mad at me. I understood and told them it's alright. I can't fault their feelings. I told them things will be work out and we will all be fine. Daddy loves them so much and is going to take fantastic care of them. He was on top of everything for the 3 months I was out of commission this summer so what's a little bit longer right?!
While they laid sleeping tonight I curled up in each of their beds stroked their hair, cuddled them close and told them how much I love them and what they mean to me. I am going to miss our chaos, and craziness. The laughs we have had the anger and frustration have made us who we are as a family. We have had our highs and lows but I love those girls so much and I can't say that I am looking forward to not having them in our house on a daily basis.
Tomorrow night Sean will be here and I am not sure how it will be. We have a unique relationship but we are also very open with things to one another. I am hoping after our gathering tomorrow me and him can find some quiet time to talk and i can tell him how much I love him and what he means to me. These children are my life! They are the air I breath. They are what motivate me to be who I am on a daily basis.
I wrote a letter to everyone at the school that I am hoping will be sent out tomorrow before the end of the day. I am not sure I can express to everyone face to face how I feel and everything so I have decided to write a letter. If in fact this letter does actually go out I will make a special posting for all to see. I would rather it be a surprise to everyone than to read it on here.
Tomorrow night is our get together. I am excited to see friends and family that are able to attend. I know saying good bye in a setting like this will be easier and more fun. I have planned on cooking and baking everything we can't take to Abilene along with ordering pizzas. Chris' friend from work will be coming in late tomorrow night to help us with the move Saturday. He is a saint for being able to drop everything at pretty much the last second to help us! Thank you Randell!
So Chris is passed out on the couch, and Hunter is asleep. Maybe I just take a hint from my family an head to bed. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I will be taking my camera to work tomorrow so I can have the opportunity to save the memories of my last day! I will update tomorrow or Saturday before we leave.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Feeling cheated

Hunter was born almost 5 months ago exactly. The time leading up to it as we all know was a stressful one and even afterwards it didn't seem to get much better for a while. We did seem to think we were getting lucky with just a two week stay in the NICU. We meet people who had been there for months! So we figured this was our "break". Maybe our luck was changing. After all I sat in bed for 6 weeks our son was almost 6 weeks early and had to be taken to the NICU. Not a way any woman I know wants to spend her pregnancy or the birth!

We knew the day we came home finally our luck had finally changed or so we had thought. We had just minor issues upon coming home. Some we were well aware would happen and others just sort of snuck up on us catching us off guard. The six week break we had before I was to return to work was just what we all needed. I know that everything I was doing was giving Hunter benifits and doing what it could to make him bigger and stronger, or was I?

Since he was going to be a premie I made it clear that I would strickly breast feed because I knew that would give him a much better shot of leaving the NICU sooner, gaining weight and making him over all just a healthier baby. I firmly believed this when we saw after 2 weeks we were going home. I believed that staying home with him till he was a little over 2 months old would also benifit him by letting him get just a litter stronger and a little more quiet time with rest. I was thrilled to go back to work, I had been out 3months! 2 months longer than I had planned!

Now I did not go into this blindly or nieve to that fact my child would be the picture of health and we would have no problems and my life at home with the kids would in fact be just smooth sailing. I did think well I have been raising the girls alone during the week what is one more chid? I can totally handle this. And I did and I still have been. A month later things started changing. Hunter finally got sick right around Thanksgiving, I started second guessing if my choices of being back in Dallas were wrong. I was hoping the kids didn't start resenting me because of all these changes I have imposed on their lives with really no question to them if they were ok with it. Even when my place was falling apart before our very eyes I thought " I can really do this, I am just being tested!" Around the middle of December Hunter started getting sick again! Ok I am really not surprised but still I thought he would at least give me a break in between. Finally after much debate we took him on Christmas Eve and he was diagnosed with RSV. We were waived a hospital stay since after all it was the holidays who wants to spend time in the hospital for observation when you have other children depending upon this grand holiday?! We also were dealing with other issues and it was really packing on the stress.

Earlier in the week unbenknownst to most people I had slowly been making the decision that would infact inpact our families lives. I don't really even think the people closest to me knew what was coming. Right at the start of Christmas break I finally spoke with Jason and told him our situation and how I felt it would best be rectified if for the remainder of Chris' enlistment I moved to Abilene. I cried about how I was not ditching the children or giving them up and how absolutely agonizing this was. He clearly understood and supported what I needed to do. Most don't know this but there are only a few people in my life whos approval means the most to me and even though he is my ex his still means a lot.

After the break I made the news public to everyone. And with Hunter not getting much better I knew it was the right thing to do but I started feeling cheated. I felt like I was cheating my kids. Here I was told that BF was the absolute best way to keep your child strong and healthy and it would be the best way for him. Here I am at the doctors office every weekend. No I don't exagerate please verify with the nurses they have pretty much seen us every weekend since November! Hunter is being cheated out of a the benifits I should be giving him leaving me feeling guilty. Then there are 3 children who have been cheated of their time with me because not only am I tending to a sick baby, but I am working, and preparing for a big move which sadly does not include them. I am cheating them out of their mommy.

There has been so much sadness in guilt these last few weeks. It is the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I debate with myself regularly if what I am doing is for the best. I beat myself up because Hunter can't get well. A friend from the NICU and I were speaking last night. Her daughter was a micro premie they had a much longer stay and a longer road ahead of them then we did of course. I felt almost stupid bringing up this but she reminded me he was in the NICU and those babies have a bigger battle to fight. We both agreed that we wondered how long we would worry about our babies and keeping them healthy. These worries are none that I really have dealt with before. Even as a first time mom 10 years ago I don't think I agonized this much. Now I feel it consumes me! So much infact I am taking time away from my other children and my family. They again get cheated.

In exactly 6 days I will be entering my new life and leaving this behind for now. I have felt myself emotionally closing off away from everyone. Even the party I am having to say goodbye seems like to much of an effort and would be best left not doing. I think deep down having those people around me Friday will make it more real to me what will be happening the following day. I think if I just played it off like any other Friday I could possibly cheat myself out of the guilt I am feeling. Even when Sean left tonight I didn't do anything extra special that would indicate to either himself or mine that this was infact our last weekend in the place together. That the next time he would come see me it would be a different dynamic. Not till I sat down and spoke to his step mom did I really realize " Oh wow this is it!" I sent her a message making sure I could still have him spend the night next Friday so I didn't cheat him out of our time.

I think about all the "last times" I will be having for a while and while at first it was no big deal to me they are coming as just an emotional wave! Who knew that it being the last time for a while that I would take the girls on Sunday night and prepare them for school for the week, or my last week of waking up early to coax and prode the girls to get ready for school, my last week of spending the short amount of time I get with them doing their homework and making dinner for them hearing them fight over who will tell me about their day first. This seem so mundane and not even a big deal but they are to me because lately I feel like I have cheated them out of that time. I have been so occupied with a sick baby, work and packing that I feel that they got cheated out of the special time with me in the evening and I feel so jealous that now Jason will have that with them getting his undivided attention.

I know this is only short term and that really I am not cheating them out of anything but they are and I am gaining so much more in the long run. That it is what it is and we can't always have things that we want when we want them it has to come with time. So I am forcing myself to embrace this change and know that it is for the best and while I fight the thoughts of cheating everyone including myself I know that I am actually gaining so much later on. I just have to stop beating myself up and feeling guitly for things that must be done. If those around me don't seem to understand and think that I infact am cheating my family and myself then to them I say please walk a mile in my shoes, live my life day by day and see that this is cheating them. They are loved and will forever be loved. Nothing lasts for ever and nothing ever stays the same. I will believe that until I have seen otherwise.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Down the road I go..

Wow did January really fly by that quickly?! It is bad enough the holiday season came and went but now to have this month fly by just baffles me. Of course the life in this house has been a whirlwind since about the middle of December so it only makes sense for me to feel this way right?

As most everyone knows now a lot of major things have been going on in the Dimmitt/Thomas house now for a while. One of the big ones is Hunter and I moving to be with Chris at the end of this month. The girls with stay with their dad. We all agree this is the best arrangement because of it being almost of the end of the school year, the kids have established lives here, routine, etc. And with Hannah starting a special program for her dyslexia too so we feel that this is the best for the girls. I will still see them and they will come stay with us on long weekends, holidays, vacations, and breaks. We could be out there a year at the most. The other big thing was Hunter's health. Christmas Eve we were diagnosed with RSV. We were very fortunate to not have to stay in the hospital. Looking back it might have been the best place for him to get better. We battled for a month with it, which it normally takes a while for a baby to get over RSV but with him being a premie we probably would have benefited from a hospital stay but with it being Christmas we I think were given a pass. In same cases the worst that happens with RSV is coughing and maybe an ear infection. Well we had that plus Pneumonia in the left lung and also now has developed reflux. We were told that children who have issues like these will develop reflux because of the drainage etc. Well all of this landed us in the hospital for a few days. The doctors and nurses worked their magic and we have a much better, much happier little boy.

Moving right along now, next week is my last week at The Community School. In the almost 4 years of teaching there my life has changed in so many ways. This place has become my second family. These people who have been there with me have been there through my darkest hours and my happiest. The more I think about it the harder it is becoming to let it hit me that I am really leaving. I will miss all the parents, teachers and children there so much. So many people there have touched my life in so many ways.

For the last week or so I have decided to put my alone time on hold and have my girls cuddle up into bed with me. That was until last night when Ella got sick. But I promised them next week we would cuddle till we can't cuddle any more! I see it daily the effects of my moving on them. the overly emotional behavior and the way they talk. It breaks my heart. I know it is hard on Sean to. This weekend is my last weekend alone with him. We are going to make it special some how. I know how hard this will be for him to. As it is he only sees me on the weekends but now it will be like every other weekend. But I tell myself I am doing what is for the best and that I will be home soon. Chris knows how hard this is for me and is doing what he can to make this transition smoother.

I know there are people who in the back of their mind must think that I am ditching these kids and wanting to start a new life with my new husband and baby. To them I say walk a mile in my shoes. I take care of 3 kids during the week by myself with help from my ex husband but that is about it. I work full time and come home to take care of them ALONE! For the last 18 months I have done this but now I feel that to make life less stressful, save money and sanity this is how I must solve this problem. Again if you don't get it please come over trade places with me and a the end of the day see how it feels.

Next Friday I am hoping my family and friends can join us as we say good bye to Dallas and hello to Abilene. I am looking forward to sharing this time with my family and friends because I know we all lead such busy lives and it is always hit and miss on getting together. So I do hope everyone can come by even if it just for a few minutes to say good bye and help us celebrate my new journey. Thankfully though Abilene is only 3 hours away and I will be home the following weekend for Hunter to have a check up so I guess it could be worse.

So I know I should probably be sleeping now but I have so much on my mind. I still have so much packing, organizing and cleaning to do I have no idea were to begin. I have used the excuse of work and Hunter being sick I think long enough now. I do think part of me is having a hard time accepting this transition and figures if I just ignore it, it will all go away. So far it's not working and I feel that I am accumulating rather than losing! Well I think I should try and force some shut eye. I have a baby with an erratic sleep schedule lately so who knows he could be up in 5 minutes or he could be up at 7am, who knows with him. So now it's time to say good night. Sweet dreams. Until I blog again........