Sunday, February 7, 2010

Does it really matter?

Wow I have slowed down in my blogging. Life had been well life and I have just been so busy and tired to post. Then around Friday in my head I started putting together my next topic. It's not anything to do with my family or our daily happenings but more just thoughts of mine new and old coming together to form my really odd way of thinking and justification on things.
For many years I always had this ideal expectation of how my life was suppose to be. I saw how everyone in my family was and told myself this is how your life is suppose to turn out when you get older. Where my role models the best at getting me to that point of my life? No not really. Is it an excuse? No it's not. I always saw my family with nice things everything so nice an orderly. "perfect" marriages that lasted (my family was the exception, well in a way.) with there children in their well set little lives. There was no chaos just organization and order. The exception that I say was my family was because mom had never been married before and well my dad had been twice before my mom. but still if you looked at our family you never knew differently. I would always say that I would go to some great college get a degree in teaching or something, find the most amazing man, get married and then have a wonderful family with tons of kids and we would each have these wonderful jobs and have the life that I had growing up. I saw each of my young family members, i.e cousins and such, do the exact thing I had set out to do. As I saw each one of them attain their goal I knew that I would be there soon enough and I was excited.
About my Senior year of high school my life took a big turn. My parents no longer together, I no longer lived at home, my mom suffered from several problems and my siblings where really needing something positive in their life. I said with various family members till I graduated. I was living with my aunt Ann at the time and was so thankful for all she did for me that year. I walked across the stage and graduated just barely but I did. After that I lost my way I guess and my life never quiet turned out like I had once planned on. I guess I was the black sheep. I lost my desire to go to college because I guess I felt boys where more important well ok one in particular. I guess it was the fear of being alone so I stayed here with David. I found work I didn't make to much but I was just proud to be working. A year later David and I found out we where pregnant with Sean. There is for sure another thing I was not planning on that. I knew right then and there the way my family saw me was a total out cast. Shortly after Sean was born David and I realized we just where not meant to be together and we went our separate ways.
I found a place to live out in Addison and was doing well I thought. A few months later i met Jason. At this point I told myself that it was all me now and that I am pretty sure I was the hot gossip for the family. The eldest Goldstrich daughter who used to come off as responsible now a single unwed mom at 21. Yep I was definitely going places. Jason worked for the same company as me and we hit it off as friends right away. The plus was that he loved kids and was always found hanging around Sean's car seat entertaining him while I was working. When he was permanently moved here I offered him a place to stay till he got on his own two feet. I guess things between us grew because he never moved out and we became a couple. A few years later I found myself married to him. It was a disastrous wedding but by god I was married. Ok something was starting to go according to plan. Or was it? A few weeks later we found out we where pregnant with Hannah. I was excited. I figured hey I am married now so having a kid is a good thing. Or so I thought. By the time Hannah was born we where in no position to be having a baby. I was hardly working and Jason was having trouble at work. By the time we hit November after Hannah was born both Jason and I where out of jobs and needing to move. As last ditch effort we moved to Chicago. I hated it. Looking back I totally hated it. After a rocky marriage, a bunch of problems happening with Jason and work and the birth of Ella we moved back to Dallas and about that time I saw things coming to an end. A year later I was right Jason's troubles finally had over run everything and I wanted out.
I usually sat there and though none of this is how I wanted it. I am now separated I have 3 kids, with 2 different dads and again I find myself out of a job. I was reduced to sucking up pride and getting on govt. assistance. I had now hit an all time low emotionally. I felt like this huge failure and a total outcast to my family. Even now I look at all my family and still feel the way I do only for the fact that I never finished school, had one child not married, divorced with a marriage that I think we forced/rushed ourselves into. I just couldn't drag myself out of this low. I at least had a job now and had been doing something that I enjoyed. I might be working 10 hour days and coming home to do more work but I was taking care of me and my kids. I paid for everything I had, my own place, my electric, phone, Internet, the girls needs ect. What I didn't have and still don't is a car. A means of freedom and Independence for me and the kids.
I sit more focused on all my failures and what a screw up I must look like to all those around me. Yes I am engaged to a man I love more than anything but the downside he is 3 hours away. Being together as a family seems almost unattainable and makes me feel as though this is somehow destined for failure though we both swear that it wont. I feel so embarrassed for myself on all my stupid choices in my life that make me look so ridicules and family embarrassment. Every time I want to fix a mistake I somehow make it worse and make everything worse. I just want people to see me for me not my stupid life choices. I want them to see me as a good friend, a loving mom, a hard working person, and a person who tries to put others first. Yet I feel like I am seen as this secluded hermit who never spends time with friends, an over worked mom who doesn't get to really enjoy my full potential at being a mom, and that I am selfish because I want to be happy and sometimes sick of seeing everyone walk around with this life I want.
I guess just for once instead of being seen as some social outcast I want to be seen for me for my true potential, for all the good that I do or at least try to. I feel that I look and judge my life on how everyone around me turned out. If you look around you will see no one took the path I did no one was stupid enough to make those mistakes I have made. I broke the mold I chose the path I did so I guess what is the point of beating myself up over this since i did it to myself? I do it because I feel that I deserve to feel bad for the choices I made. Do I regret having any of my children? NO never. I just regret putting them through my bad choices. They didn't ask for it.
I look to this new marriage as a new start to my new life. A chance to make it up to me and my kids. But I feel even now I am not fully going to be able to do it. I always let my doubt take over. I some how let my past repeat itself. I don't want it to this time. I hope to eventually somehow manage to make my life out there with Chris. My goal is to have my girls go with me. Why not Sean? His life is here with his dad and step mom, his life with me is weekends and holidays. It's the way it is and how we do it and it works. I hope to have an agreement like this with Jason but I know deep down that it's going to be almost impossible to have him agree on it. But i pray that maybe somewhere down the line he will agree and know I would never take his daughters away from him forever but just a few hours away. I guess it's so much to think about and it becomes overwhelming.
I think I have reached a point where I have lost track of where I was going with this and has now let it become a point of just rambling. So I will wrap this up. Chris has gone home for the week, the girls will stay with Jason and enjoy the rest of his super bowl party, Sean is going to head to bed here soon. I think my home for the night will be the small not so lonely couch. It works. Night all.