Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wow I am 30!

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!! I have always been told I had a flair for the dramatic but as of right now I really am freaking out!!! In 3 hours I will be officially done with my 20's and stepping into my 30's. Over the course of the last week I have done some major reflecting on my life over the last 29.9 years. Ya corny and weird I know but honestly I never thought turning 30 would get to me like it has. I have handled all the joking with ease and really do not let it bother me because I know I have given my fair share of jokes. I just really started thinking. And I actually kinda got upset. I AM NOT READY TO BE 30!!!!!! Why, why do I think I am not ready to be 30 well because I do not feel 30 I do not act 30 and I just do not see myself as you guessed it 30.
So here it is, here I am and I am thinking wow was it really 30 years ago my mother and father got a call stating your daughter was born and she is yours and here is when you can come pick her up. And 5 years later I was introduced to the world of being an older and very mean and jealous sibling. And looking back that really is and was the least of my worries. I guess though looking back I have gone through A LOT for someone my age. The countless rehabs my mother entered and well did not succeed in. When she was in rehab or on a nice bender stepping it up to help out. I swear I had to be the most responsible 12 yr old ever!! I dealt with living the good life the nice wonderful privileged life to the low middle class struggle to get what we need life. I have dealt with divorce and death, crazy dysfunctional family stuff, and of course my most recent family drama I just wrote about the other day. I could bore you with more detail but eh its not worth it.
So with the 2.5 hrs left in my 20's I have begun to think these last 10 years have been well eventful! I had Sean in 2000, met Jason in well 2000, married Jason in 2002, gave birth to Hannah in 2002, moved to Chicago in 2002, between 2003 and 2004 dealing with stuff I would rather not go into right now, 2005 giving birth to Ella and moving back to Dallas (wooohooo), 2006 realizing the man I married was not the man I once thought he was and discovered that people can change and not for the better and do things that you think just are not possible, 2006 Sean diagnosed with RA, 2006 realizing my marriage was over and spending the last 2 weeks of that year alone and ok with it because what happened was not my fault, 2007 started out single and struggling, 2007 found a wonderful school for my daughters and eventually me to be at, 2007 moved into what I thought was a awesome condo only to be my dread home, 2008 I will just sum it up with lots of family issues rehab fall outs and more drama, 2008 I met the most wonderful man I am still with and foreseeing the being with for a long long time, 2009 so far 3 exciting run in the law enforcement, my kids growing and changing in ways I never imagine and now I enter my 30s! I realize now I never really was a wild and crazy teen or even wild and crazy in my 20's. I think most figured that once I hit my 20's I would let loose and party like a maniac and do the things my parents always thought I was out doing when I was so friggin scared of them I did well not much of anything. Do I have regrets no. Why would I? I mean what is the point? I only hope I can raise my kids and give my kids the guidance love and support that they need and not be down right terrified of me. Karen your talk with me last night really made me open my eyes and I see things now I only kind of though of in the back of my mind. Thank you I can now be more proactive in how I am with my children. Thank you I appreciate that.
So now that I have gotten this crazy mixed feelings and emotions off my chest I feel better. I am sitting here in bed with two of my three wonderful children next to me sleeping soundly hoping that when they reach my age they can on that day sit and say wow the last 30 years have just been AWESOME!
Nite ya'll