Monday, March 9, 2009

Forgive and rebuild?................

So I didn't think I would actually get around to blogging tonight but I had things happen that made me think it was a good idea. So as you may or may not know I have a younger sister. She will be 18 at the end of this week and we do not have much of a relationship. And no its not due to the 12 year age difference its mostly due t the lifestyle she has. And sadly really its not entirely her fault its also my mothers. Cameron is a beautiful sweet (almost all the time) young lady who did not get the guidance she needed in her more formative years. She was allowed to drop out of high school and do her own thing. In her defence, but i am not sure how, did get a job and earned some money. She has many problems though most stem back from her childhood which again is not her fault its the cards she was dealt. She has some problems and she does not know how to cope she never was given those skills to cope and deal so she does things she shouldn't. Right before the holidays we had some problems with my mother and my sister Cammie and my brother Alex. I then decided that I needed to step back and reevaluate my current situation. I won't bore you with the details but if you know me you know my families drama and history of well issues. But after this last stunt my mother pulled and the trouble that my brother and sister had been in it just hit me that this was out of control and I needed to do something about it. I did not hardly visit or talk with my mother this last time she was in the hospital in fact I went out of my way to make sure every nurse and doctor that had any contact with her knew what a dramatic, sick, troubled women she is. I did not hold back I let loose on ever dirty piece of family history that could possibly get her put away in a institution for a long long time. It was then my younger two siblings let loose on me and my aunts about what horrible people we where and did not know what it was like. I have to say for the first time in 29 years I did not care. I was done being put through this hell of my mom and her OD's and relapses of drinking ect. I was done dealing with Alex and Cammie's "cries for help". I was done! Cammie has a horrible temper a mean streak a 100 miles long. It got hot and heated with yelling and screaming more so between her and my aunt but enough to cause the nurses to want to have everyone removed and security called. It was that day I decided to make some major changes!
Cammie and I really had it out Alex to. I have to say one of the biggest ever with more of the most hurtful things. This carried on up until recently. It didn't just happen because of my mom but other things between me and my brother and his personal life. But I think about 2 weeks ago is when I would say it was nasty and I stooped to levels I never though was possible. So bad in fact we where arguing back and forth on facebook. See told you new heights of maturity! And I am not proud but I had to get it out and at that moment at that time it just came flooding out. I went as far as to remove them from my facebook page, myspace page and my cell phone. At that time I was perfectly content in never speaking to them again. I felt I was only called when they needed something or wanted something or just to be a pain in the ass.
Moving forward...... So today during work as I was eating with my kids I got a flood of texts to my inbox. They where from Cammie. My first thought was oh lord she wants to go again what wonderful hurtful immature words can she send me now? But no I was wrong and now I am not one to forgive and forget and just be a doormat for people to walk all over but I read her text and it must have been read 3 or 4 times for it to really sink in. In her 5 page text she said she was sorry she needed to be mature now that she was turning 18, that she misses and loves me and the kids and wanted to be apart of our lives ect. I quickly responded I am busy we will talk later. I chatted with my aunt/godmother/mom on my break on her advice. I pondered it and realized she is my sister and will always be my sister and she therefor will always be apart of my life. I however have the power to control what kind of relationship I have with her. A few hours later and after heavy thought I decided to not be cruel and heartless and accept her apology. For now my contact will probably remain through text or email. She was grateful for the text and immediately asked to see the kids. I said fine but I have decided that she will not be alone with them she will need adult supervision because honestly I don't trust her. Not that she would hurt my children purposely but because of things she does. She also wants Sean to come spend the night. I am defiantly not ok with that. His dad, his step mom, me, my family no one is ok with that idea. I am sure this will cause issues but if this is going to work she has to respect that I am the parent and these are my rules and guidelines to keep my kids safe. I have been told that there was probably alterer motives in her wanting to work things out and while that's a possibility I do want it to be shown for the record that I did in fact make an effort. As for me and my brother you may wonder. No I do not think that things will be patched up anytime soon. Am I hurt by it yes but is it for the best? Yes I think so. Alex and Cammie have so much growing up and learning to do and while I know that's best learned in school they do not however agree and have chosen their own path. I know that maybe someday at some point things might be different for now this is how it is. Same goes for me and my mother. I am ok with my life now and ok with how things are. Its not the typical ideal family but for now its mine and I am learning to accept that. We just can not all have that Norman Rockwell family and its just a silly pipe dream to think that way. And after years and years of wishing I had this perfect well rounded family I accept that it is what it is and its not really all up to me on how we are. I am accepting it and moving on.