Saturday, May 26, 2012

Come and Go

Wow another blog, come on I know it is what you are thinking! This lady needs a hobby huh? Well to bad apparently blogging is my hobby now. So just deal with it because this one is another not so typical blog but lately I guess I have found more things to talk about. So since the munchkin is asleep I am going to blog.

I have generally been blessed with having a great outgoing personality. I have been blessed with the ability to be a good friend. Sadly I have not been to blessed in having friends who are loyal, honest and true. Do not get me wrong I have a group of friends who I know are there for me even if we have not talked in forever. Those friends who even if we only see and comment on posts on FB we know we are still friends. I have friends who know that I like to be out and about and a social butterfly and understand how that has to be put on the back burner for now. To those friends I am so thankful that you are caring and understanding. 

My friends and family know I will have their back. I will stick up for them when I know they are right and they need the support. My friends and family are still there for me when I stick to my beliefs and I fight for what is right. Sadly I have had "friends" who have ditched me because I don't share the same beliefs as them, I say the opposite of what they might say, do things differently than they do. I call them "friends" because at one point or another we did have a true friendship and sadly it came to an end. 

Call me silly but boy it sure does bug me when I lose a friend and I have no idea why. I know we all go through our friends list and remove those we never speak to. Heck I do that all the time. I mean come on it really isn't a friendship but more like stalking, you know it's true! So really its no love loss when you delete them and move on heck I doubt they even notice. The times it does bother me is when it is a friend someone I talked to regularly and I realize "Wow, what did I do to upset them? Why couldn't they just confront me?"  For a long time I let it get to me especially when I lost a string of friends who blew me off and choose to lie to me about it. I might not be the brightest person in the world but I am smart enough to know when you lie to me. That to me is a huge sign of disrespect so don't lie to me. 

I noticed around the time that we started figuring out that H had problems and we started changing how we did things, where we went, if we went and backing out of things, is when my friends went on the decline. I got a bit down about it I won't lie. Heck I can name on at least 2 hands on my page of people who are dealing with some sort of life altering issue and I am so supportive and want to do what I can to help. I post a few blogs about our situations, update a few status with things going on or talk about and apparently that deems me the need to lose friends. It stings a bit I wont lie. It hurts to know that there are some people I stood by was a shoulder to them, bent over backwards for them, was an ear for them and now they vanish. It hurts but it's not going to get me down. 

I discovered recently that a friend of mine who I thought I was close to, one of my first friends out here ditched me because I guess I wasn't loyal enough. I have several friends who do fundraisers for various things at the moment. I am one person, not made of money and can only do so much. I try to help and support where I can. Keep in mind my child does not do well in big over crowded public places and it gets to a point where it takes it's toll. I lost another "friend" because heaven forbid I didn't stick up for her when she was very rude to someone and was essentially a bully to others. I realized this is becoming high school. Everyone listens to the negative about people, judge and then decide if that person is worthy enough for their friendship. Then I have had had people just flat out lie to me. UGH we are not friends if you can not tell me the truth. The best lie so far is "Oh I am just keeping my page for my family so I avoid drama" Oh I didn't realize that our 23 mutual friends here are your family. Again shouldn't bother me but it is more the lying than anything. You have no respect for someone if you lie sorry. 

I do not expect nor do I want any ones pity or sympathy for what is going on. I make our life as open as possible to avoid people spreading untrue info and speculating. I would rather just be upfront and honest leaving nothing to guess. I just function better that way I suppose. If you follow our story that is great. Thank you we appreciate your support. I am not one to judge, if you don't feel inclined to know our story and remain un-involved that is your prerogative. Just please know this for me is my only outlet that I can say how I truly feel and not worry about people discounting my thoughts and feelings.

My life is full right now and I have to keep my focus on what is important. The people who treat life like high school, refuse to grow up and be a bully have no place in my life. I can say with confidence that I am happy with the people whom I share my life with. I would rather have only a few close friends who I knew I could count on, support me and be there for me if I need them then a ton of friends who are so wishy washy that it's a crap shoot if I can count on them. I know some people doubt our situation right now and that is ok. I can't make you feel the way I do. I have even heard people say that I am doing this for attention and that I exaggerate what is going on. Why in a million years would someone want this for their child? 

Strangely as I write this I flip back and forth to facebook to see what is going on.  I came across a friends status message and it really resignated with me. "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."Pardon the language but honestly I have felt very down about myself lately. I have hated that I have not spent time with my friends that I have been doing these things I like to do. 

I took that as a sign that I am not as bad off as I feel but that maybe I am surrounding myself with people who are not conducive to my mental well being. I need to not worry if I have so many people that are my friends but that I have quality friends. I tend to worry to much about what others think of me and I shouldn't let it get to me. I guess I have always worried about pleasing people and making them happy. I think maybe I need to stop focusing on them and put a little focus on me. If I am deemed selfish so be it. Those who know me best know I put the best interest of my children and those around me first. 

At this point I don't have time for nor do I care to partake in the games and drama. I am not going to judge you and you shouldn't judge me. Do what you are suppose to, do what is right, do what you believe you are called to do that is all we can ask of anyone. Just remember the next time you sit there judging someone, talking poorly about them that it could be you. Think about how it feels to have that shoe on the other foot. I cant force someone to have compassion for others or think about others but I can sure put the bug in their ear to maybe decide to evaluate their ways.