Sunday, May 13, 2012

Weekend Revelations

Last night I laid awake in bed struggling to fall asleep. Maybe it was because this sweet little boy was having a rough night with his asthma and or it was because a lot of things suddenly plagued my mind. Regardless I sat there for over an hour thinking about how much has changed some for the better and some for the worst.

I recall about this time a year ago I was giving up hope of fitting in here and finding normalcy. I had a job that was decent at best but really had not met anyone I would have called a friend well there were two people I would call friends but otherwise it was just a job to me.  Chris was starting the process of getting out of the Air Force, which to me meant why bother making friends we are busting out of this joint! The only other person I hung out with was on the verge of moving away because her and her husband were going to split up. I hated this loneliness I hated that I had no one to hang out with and confide in.

About a year ago I stumbled across a spouse page for the Dyess folks. Of course I would only stumble across this as our attachment with the military would come to a close and we might not even be here in a few months. Within a few days I started finding some wonderful gals to chat with. I finally started to feel more at home here. About a month later we would have a ladies night at my house where I would meet some ladies that would become so dear to me. Well or so I had thought. After that night I was on a roll with meeting some wonderful ladies. I actually grew excited about being here and having some people to spend time with. I wasn't the outsider looking in.

About a month after that around July, it was time to start talking about moving back to the big D. The thought suddenly became so sad to me. I had just finally settled in and now it was time to go. We talked to our Realtor back in Dallas about finding a place to live. We started talking to Brookhaven College about starting courses in the fall. I was trying to find a job that I would be happy with. Maybe it was fate maybe it was coincidence that none of that worked out. I was so ready to be home with my babies and pick up where we had left off but at that time it was not going to work out. While we would have the money from Chris getting out of the military we couldn't bank on having something before that money was gone. So we decided to play it safe and continue to reside in Abilene till we had for sure concrete things ironed out in Dallas.

From that point on I continued to form bonds with so many ladies. Some became as close as family to us. We spend holidays together and spent most of our free time together. I was so happy. I was getting involved with the community. I had been given so many opportunities to help those in the are and the AF community who really needed it. It made me feel good. I never did any of it with the thought of how would I be repaid for my generosity or what is in this for me. My friends joked I would spread myself to thing but by the fall I was a SAHM so I figured there had to be a good way to invest my time and this was how I would do it. As I met more and more people, I had more and more opportunities to help others around me. I have been given some very special friends one who in on the UNOS list for two lungs, at least 4 that are T1 and working hard to get services dogs who will help them, a friend who sadly lost her child in a horrible accident a year ago today due to a drunk driver. I have found ways to help and do my part to let them know I care.

Fast forward now to the first of the year and suddenly from what seems to be the drop of the hat these people I had once grown to start calling family starting to fade out just like they had faded in. Some due to stupid falling outs that looking back I am not sure what even caused it, some because of difference of opinions over petty situations that really should have been no big deal, a few that vanished out and I am not sure why but none the less it makes me sad. Its like its own version of natural selection, survival of the fittest I suppose. The ones that are here are the ones who have hung tough, stuck it out thick and thin and known even when I haven't been able to give all my time and attention to them they know I am still someone they can count on.

Out of all the friends I have lost the one that have simply vanished out of my life for no reason are the ones that hurt the most. The ones I was sure of we had such a bond and connection with whom now I no longer speak with or hear from. Those really hurt. Maybe its just due to life and not that I did something wrong. I just get so paranoid and worried that maybe I did something but I hate living my life like that. I refuse to now beat myself up over things that I have no control over.

Life has handed me a new curve ball. This time I don't have time to sit and wonder if some one likes me or dislikes me for who I am and the things I do. My main focus now is my family. Things have taken such a big change in the course of month that my efforts now are to focus on how to make things flow as smoothly as possible. A month from now our house will be full. 4 wonderful children will be running through this house keeping our days full and busy. I am so excited about it. I miss my kids and its quiet and lonely when they are not here. When they get here I will be so happy and at peace with things. Regardless of what has been given to us like is going to move on and we are going to be the happy family we always have been.

With that I am going to end this now. I have said how I feel and what it all means to me. I am thankful for those in my life who have stuck it out even when times have gotten tough. Those are the true people you want in your life. No one wants a fair weather friend, a person who is no where to be found when life gets ugly. I would rather have just a few close friends I can count on then an over abundance of friends who are only around when the times are good. So to those of you who are still around, thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your love and friendship mean so much to me. I cherish what we have and hope we always have that.