Sunday, September 27, 2009

A quiet weekend in thought

With Hannah sick this weekend I had a quiet weekend with no children. Sean just hung out at his dads house because we didn't know what Hannah had and didn't want to run the risk of spreading illness. I was and well am bummed that I didn't get to have my handsome man keep me company this weekend but at the same time it wasn't so bad to sit around do nothing and rest.
Yesterday though I was excited to escape this house and take care of a few things. I needed to get a book for Hannah to read at school and I went to Target for some food items to go in the kids lunches. I spent some time talking to my future mother in law on the phone and it was nice to hear about how well her trip is going to visit grand babies and her daughter. I actually spent a good chunk of time talking with friends and just catching up on things I have missed. I killed time waiting to talk to Chris because I knew it was a long night for him at the bar because they where doing thing where they hand out jersey's to the people who volunteer their time there to help out and each person gets a special nickname on their jersey. His was suppose to be SoCo but after the recent stuff with his Kidney's they changed it to "stones"! I knew about it for a while an it was hard to keep a straight face when he would bring it up. He also spent the day in Osan on one of his last shopping trips buying all sorts of goodies to bring home.
My night was really quiet and boring I was really down because I was so lonely and really wanted the company of my kids. You would think being around kids all week I would enjoy a day or two without any but really it makes me just lonely. I want to be needed, I want to hear "mommy, mommy!" I was so bummed out I actually fell asleep at 9:30pm. Yep on a weekend night with no kids I was out before 10pm. I was shocked. But I also was very sad falling asleep. When I get lonely all sorts of thoughts fill up my head. Sometimes its good but sometimes they are just sad. And while tonight I was trying to think of the good happy thoughts they where pushed away by some really sad ones.
I laid in bed and fell asleep thinking about Alex. I couldn't believe that it was about to be 6 months since he passed away. I started thinking how fast time had gone and then I got upset and started thinking I had forgotten his birthday back in June, but I hadn't I just pushed memories of that day aside to focus on other things. Its not that I want to ignore he is dead or that there are things there that will always be there to trigger the memory of him. I want him to be in my heart forever but........... I admit I never let myself grieve. I refused to look weak and incapable of handling what life had dealt me so I acknowledged his death and pushed on. No point in dwelling on it was my thoughts. He is dead and I can't change that so back to life for me and I will be ok. This line of thought while in my mind was the right thing to do I now realize was quiet the opposite. I will talk about thoughts and feelings but it has to be on my terms and my idea. I don't do well when people come up and ask me on the spot my feelings on things. I don't know its weird I suppose but its how I function. I will say though when I am in the right spot I am not afraid to share my thoughts and emotions just remember its on my terms it just works better for me that way.
On a happier note this weekend marks Chris and I's 1 year anniversary. A year ago this wonderful man came into my life and since then has done nothing but change it for the better. I don't even care that he calls me at random hours of the night to talk just hearing his voice really makes my day. (Now I hope he does realize that cuteness will wear off once he is back in the same time zone!!!). He called me this morning at around 5am and we where able to talk for I would say 3 hours! I like those type of phone calls because we really had a lot to say and lately have not had a lot of time to say it in. It put me in a fantastic mood. I apparently sounded like a teenager later when talking to Myranda but she knew how happy I am and she is defiantly one of those who knows how much I need the happiness. It was actually my turn to keep him up late. I think we finally got off the phone for the final time this morning around 2:30am his time. He was giving me hints to a surprise he has planned on the Friday he is due home. I have been given some weird hints and through the detective work of Teresa and myself we have come to the conclusion its a Fire Truck! Really don't ask its ridicules but the hints given are...... 1) it's outside, 2) its a sound I am very familiar with, 3) its moves I guess vehicle (though Teresa did say marching band!, 4) and I guess it makes a lot of noise. Apparently this will be coming to the school that day and it worries me when I was asked when nap time is. So for any parents and or teachers reading this that work with me I am apologizing in advanced because I am not sure what he has up his sleeve!
I am sitting here on my bed looking outside at the beautiful blue sky watching the trees blow in the breeze and it's just this perfect moment to remember my little brother and how happy he was and how happy he wants us to still be. He was a wonderful brother with so much love and happiness in his heart. I know that these past few weeks he has come to each of us, his siblings, family and friends, in our dreams not to make us sad but just as this gentle reminder that he is watching us that he is still here and he is still in our hearts. Each one of our dreams of him was so totally different we saw him in the way we knew him best. I saw him as the wild, loving, completely impatient teenager that loved his sisters and adored his nieces and nephews. So today while I want to be so sad and cry that he is gone I know that he would be upset with me so I just look at my window and smile and laugh because thats what he was good at doing and I knwo thats what he wants us all to do.