Thursday, August 6, 2009

Strange things are happening....

So yesterday was an interesting day. I am at a point now where I wonder what really should I do and how serious do I make this out to be. Yesterday just really got to me and now I think am I making this out to be more than it really is or should I really heed the red flags I am thinking I notice. And no this does not have anything at all to do with Chris in fact I am looking to him and some other close people to help me out right now. And what I say here in this blog I would like to remain here in this blog since certain people do not read this know it exists or know how to access it. And for that reason I trust my close friends and family who do read this to leave it here on this page. The only reason I am bringing this up is because I feel this is my outlet.
So I guess I have peaked your curiosity on why I am talking in such code. So anyways..... Yesterday in my mad rush to try and leave on time I couldn't find my keys and I said ok fine I will have to leave the door unlocked. Yes scold me lecture me on the finer points of how dangerous that is but today I just couldn't be late so I said said forget it door will be unlocked and I will figure the key situation out later. So I as I do every morning go down to the car where Jason is waiting to haul us off to school. I made sure not to mention what I had done just to error on the side of caution. As Myranda brings me and Ella home that night I realize dang it I do not have my clicker and I have to enter the gate code. I was looking for something and in my purse at the bottom in the corner was my keys. I grabbed them so I could check the mail but first I needed to put my stuff upstairs and make sure that no one was in my house. That's where things got weird. I went to open the door and it was locked. I thought humm maybe I did lock the bottom lock from the inside out of habit. Good thing I found my keys ha. So I unlock it and humm still can't get in. The deadbolt is locked. Strange now I know I couldn't do that from the inside. So I unlock it walk in and think to myself I know now he has a key that is my proof. Yes my ex has managed to get a key without my permission to my place. No I do not have a key to his nor do I ever got into his place unannounced or when he is not home. I have boundaries and respect. Once Hannah came back from the rink I just casually asked if she had been here at all while I was gone and she said no but daddy was he came over to get my shoes. Hummm see daddy has lots of shoes at his house so I figured something is up. I told her oh ok thank you glad he was able to find your shoes and left it at that. I called Chris knowing he would be upset and we agreed to change the locks with out telling him and do it while the girls are at their dads house this weekend. I have also decided to add him to my lease so in case anything happens ect he is able to do something about it.
This isn't the first instance of him being in my house. Right after Chris left to go back to Korea someone came in my house and went through my stuff. I know it was my ex because he makes a lousy criminal and leaves tracks everywhere. I also know when we where moving he was going through my purse and looking for things and helped himself to some cash. He has in the past gotten a hold of my mail key and taken my mail which I later found in a dresser drawer. Taken my flash drive to see what he could find only later to find it in a puddle outside his house in some water. I know it was him because he had asked for it because he said he put stuff on it. (he didn't he just thought he could snoop) The flash drive still worked amazingly but once he realized it, it was again missing and now is gone for good and there where things I really needed on there and it angers me a lot.
There are things that he has done since we where married that I over looked and things that I was put through that no one should ever deal with and I thought for the sake of our kids and what friendship we had left we could just be adults and be friendly. It is odd I know that he still takes me places but with out a car (thanks to him and his brother) I have no other way around and must count on him till I can get a car with Chris when he comes home in Nov. Chris understand how much I hate this situation because right now I would love nothing more than to tell Jason off and what I think of him but if I do that I am stuck and stranded. I am doing this for my girls because I want them to be able to still skate and do the things they are suppose to do that I can not do for them right now. I hate that someone has so much control over me and I feel so useless so powerless. I am not that kind of person. I can not make any sort of choice with out him berating me on me not consulting him first. I changed the kids doctor because the other one was horrible, out of the way and just a bad deal. He gets mad because I don't consult him on the matter. Well pardon the hell out of me but I am the one filling out the paper work for CHIPs and busting my ass to get all the required documents to them I think its up to me to pick where they go. And I did tell him once it was up for renewal I would be looking at new docs for those reasons. I have never let anyone have so much control over me. I have never told anyone how much control he has had over me. Now after these recent events I feel that maybe he is beyond angry that I have moved on and found someone and I don't need him. I often worry if he will do something irrational and stupid, because he has in the past.
I trust my family and friends here and since I do not post the blog address I know that for the most part this is in safe hands. I just needed to vent and get things out there because this has been eating at me for some time and causing me to feel really down and bad about myself. I am trying to be the best mom I can for these kids and I feel like I let them down because I can not do things for them on my own with out their father because of this whole stupid mess. I need my freedom my Independence and I know soon I will but still I hate the trapped controlled everything is out of my hands feeling. That is not who I am that is not what I want to be. I know Chris wants the best for us and I know how badly he wants us to have it. I am so anxious for his return because I know things will start looking up. So I know if I can just hold out 12 more weeks it will all be ok and I won't have to please someone who hurts me so much.