Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A night of thinking

I try not to write these blogs that are you know down and boring because I know that not only my family and friends read them but Chris is reading this too. But he knows as much as I do the stresses that I have been under lately and my feelings of just anxiety and frustration.
I started feeling that I am a sucker that I walk around with a sign on it and it says " please take advantage of my kindness!" I tend to avoid confrontation I don't like to be apart of it. I do what I can to please people in hopes they will reciprocate back to me. Does that always happen? Well of course not but I do it anyways. Do I always follow by the books despite my better judgement? No but maybe I should. I am sure you are wondering what all this is leading up to and I will get to it I just wanted to precursor into my whole night of though. So anyways some of this has to do with my ex husband and some of it just has to do with others around me. I figure I am up I will just vent a bit.
For the last month I have just felt sort of taken advantage of and walked all over. I am given standards and guidelines to follow but others get to take their own path and make their own choices. Keep in mind most of these issues have no since been resolved but I just still feel so frustrated by them that I figured letting it out would make me feel better and maybe I could get some justification on why I feel this way. When Jason and I split up and we moved on we made a few agreements that I figured we would both hold up on. I have and for some reason and I am not to surprised he has not. I call him out on it only to try and have things turned on me. Oh how I hate this part of divorce. We agreed not to use the children as our pawn and as our messengers and that apparently is not part of the deal anymore. More often than not now I come out to be the bad guy. Its like his own way making the kids think I am mean and don't like them. Now I know that's not true but be in my shoes and look at it from my point of view and it feels that way. I have felt this overwhelming need to bite my tongue and play this game but now I have decided no more. I know that he until things get straightened out drives me around. It sucks I hate that he has that" control" but its how it goes until I can get things figured out. I could try a bus and I have thought of it but till I can get that all figured out I have to play his game. So now I am not holding back my feelings and when he screws me over I am letting him know that I am not going to lay here and take it.
Of course there are people in my life that i feel I have let down and upset and I feel horrible. I hate it when I do that and it makes me feel so horrible. I am such a people pleaser I hate when people are upset with me and when i have done something to let them down or cause them to think less of me. I think part of my problem is I try to do to much and do not like to say no or want to say no so I go and go and go and it causes me to make mistakes and cause careless errors. And for those people I go out of my way to do what I can to make the situation better and do what I can to earn back their respect and trust. Ask anyone who knows me I get very hard on myself when I screw up and I let those around me down. I recently caused a friend unneeded stress and its bothered me. More so than I thought it would. Tonight the guilt came over me so much I went online and ordered a special gift and had it sent to them. I know it won't fix the problem but I hope to have it symbolize a peace offering and let them know how truly sorry I am for what happened. I am willing to do what ever I can to fix this problem because I can see how much its affecting this person.
I am feeling better that I got this off my chest. I wanted to write more but I have decided that less is more and that I don't want to pollute my blog with things like this all the time but tonight for some reason it seemed like the right thing to do. Sorry this was not one of my more upbeat fun blogs but I promise this weekends one should be fun to read.