I started this entry 3 years ago. I couldn't bring myself to ever finish it. I wanted to finish it on his birthday since he would be turning 23 this year the same age as my sister Jenny when we found out that day he had died. I wanted to finish this to honor him.
I can still recall all this as if it was yesterday. My heart hurts so much when I think about this day. A day that should have been saved to celebrate a birthday and a happy day turned so dark and sad. It's not like it was any other day but one that will now forever have a double meaning. One of both life and death.
It has been 3 years and not a day goes by I don't think about him. I keep him in his box on our book shelf. The kids still talk about him, ask about him, they want to know all about him. I make sure to share plenty of stories of his life. Lately though I find myself looking at his page more. So many things have happened in our lives and sadly he can't be here to celebrate and and be a part of all. I know he would love to be apart of it all.
12 years ago I remember calling Alex on his birthday and telling him that he would be an uncle only two days later. He was excited. He wanted Sean to be born on his birthday. Sean and Alex had a great bond. Sean always loved when he got to come help take care of him and spend time with him. A few years later Hannah came along and his love of being an uncle just grew. Sadly he didn't get to know Ella as well and of course never knew Hunter. There are days I see a lot of Alex in H.
I miss him dearly. I wish that we could go back and time and change things. A lot of things. I wish I could go back and take back the things I said to him. I wish we could make up and move on. I live with this guilt of hurtful things I said and the fight we had just a few months before his death. I didn't agree with the choices he was making in his life and how he was handling things.
I recall the last time I saw him alive and it breaks my heart now. I picked him up at the book store shortly after he and his boyfriend had a fight. He was so upset and I was distracted and backed into a car in my blind spot. Wouldn't you know it would be a lawyer I hit and his nice car not his beater that he would normally take out on the weekend! Alex screamed at me to just GO! I yelled at him called him names and told him how I was not irresponsible like he was and that I was going to leave my information for the owner. The whole way to my grandmothers house we fought and yelled while he flipped out on the phone about his current situation to John's mom and I was on the phone with Chris so upset and trying to figure out how I was going to fix the car I hit and all this other stuff.
The fight escalated for days and then we just stopped speaking. I also stopped speaking to Cameron. The fighting had been so tense it sort of interfered with most of us. It took his death to bring us closer together. It took his death to make me realize that one day we will be gone and we can not take back the things we have said to one another in moments of anger. No disagreement is worth letting burden you a lifetime. No fight should effect those to the point of ever speaking again. Sometimes we must swallow our pride and make amends, fix our wrongs and work on creating better stronger relationships.
I know everyone tells me that my brother forgives me for our fight and the things that were said. Honestly though, while it might be true, to me I will always feel guilty for what I said and never apologizing and taking back what I said. Maybe one day I will let myself let it go that he has forgiven me.