Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Breaking Point

I have picked up this computer several times over the last few days to start to write. Every time I have picked up this computer something has stopped me. Usually its a cute little boy who wants my attention or 3 really cute big kids who want my attention for one thing or another. Regardless I have taken it as a sign that these things can wait and I need to spend my time soaking in my babies because they need me.

Since the weekend life in our house has turned upside down. Not all bad just taking a big turn from the routine we had going. H loves having his brother and sisters here. He loves it so much they are not to leave his line of sight without suffering the wrath of a major meltdown. He has a love for them unlike anything I have ever seen! If they go upstairs he must be in tow. What ever they do he must be doing also. While this is very cute it also has caused a few problems. We can't drop them off at the Youth Center or leave the house without them or else he loses it. Ella feels bad when we drop her off because she makes H cry because we have to leave her there. I tell her it will be fine once he gets to school he will go on about his day and not to worry. Be that as it may the kids hate to see him get upset and know now just how hard it gets when H has these meltdowns. They all do their part to pitch in to help make him happy. Sean likes to lay on the floor and let H rough house with him. Hannah will take him off to his corner and play with his toys and Ella likes to read him books. He loves all this attention of course.

Over the weekend most of our time was spent swimming like fish. We discovered H has a strong love for the water. There is no fear for him when it comes to to the pool. I think we know now what really makes him happy. Of course with that we also have one more thing to keep an eye on. He will take it upon himself to jump on in actually. I see some swimming lessons in our near future. Thankfully the pool is not to near the house and well secure with a gate even this Houdini can not master! With this heat though I have no problems spending time there though it is fun to have some nice relaxing family time and see all of us being active.

With the weekend I really started to notice some changes. H has really been struggling and it is breaking my heart. We went to a friends house for dinner Saturday evening and while the older kids walked to a near by park that left H to stay at the house with us. I did something though that I have not ever been able to do with him. I let him go outside alone. Before everyone jumps to conclusions he was in a fenced backyard with him in my line of sight. He wondered around out there with the dogs and seemed content. It made me happy and sad. I was thrilled to see him able to go outside where he loves to be and play but makes me sad because we don't have that luxury of letting him do that at our house. I know that if we had a a backyard however when he did have a rough time we could just let him go and get it all out. Let him do what he does best and just wonder and explore.

I noticed that his anxiety level has increased over the last week. He is having a hard time adjusting and is hiding. He wants to hide under tables, chairs and even beds. Saturday the meltdown was so bad that he hid under the bed and refused to come out and eventually fell asleep. The whole thing terrified me because he was banging his head and screaming. Once he was finally out after a few hours of this his body has scratches on it from rubbing on the frame. I was sad. I really just felt hopeless. I can't bare to watch him have these meltdowns. He is so angry and sad. No baby should be like that. I immediately started my search for tunnels and tents for him to have as a safe hiding place. In just an hour a few great friends stepped up and offered to help us out! I felt relief and peace. I want him to have the things he needs to keep him calm and safe. I know those who are closest to us see that too and are doing what they can to help. It makes me so happy and appreciative to see so many who want to help us.

This week has been tough. His mornings at school have been hard. Lots of anger and roughness. He wants to run from the room, take off his clothes, hide under the table and of course attack his friends. I hate putting his teachers through this. They are troopers and they are really stepping up to the plate to take care of H. ECI was not able to come Tuesday so I was not able to address the issues. I did speak to Staci and give her the heads up. She is hoping we hear from Dr. Rogers soon. Today I met with Becky his coordinator and had some good discussions on what is going on. We both agree some regression in behaviors and milestones need to be addressed again with his doctor. I am going to make a call to see where we stand with our referral.

All these minor set backs hurt me. I feel like nothing I can do is good enough for him. I want to help him but at the same time what I know, what I have been taught and trained to do isn't working. It leaves me feeling like a failure. Its times like these I just reach my breaking point and want to cry. Crying however isn't going to change anything or make it better so I suck it up and keep going. I wasn't given anything more than I can handle so apparently I can handle this. I just need to learn how to handle it all better. I am always afraid I am doing more harm than good. That if I don't do it right or over look something I am going to make it all worse. I hate putting that sort of pressure on myself but lately I find myself doing it more and more.

Well these sleepless nights have come back around. Apparently insomnia does not care if you have a job, house full of kids or a family that needs me. Maybe I should try some of that Melatonin. Well since it is almost midnight maybe I should give this whole sleep thing a try. H is down and has been for a few hours. Maybe I should lay down and see what happens.