Ok another week comes to a close and its another eventful week. So just when we though sickness was done in this house it reared its ugly head again mid week. Poor Ella at first I thought it was a stomach bug then when I heard strep was running around the school again I thought oh man its strep again and when I realized that it wasn't strep it was some sinus, stomach bug. Poor thing had to go back to pull ups it was rough. Now she has a lingering cough and runny nose. Tonight however at the ice rink she was feeling just fine so I know we are almost back to 100%.
Saturday I woke up feeling horrible. At first I figured it had to do with my nap that lasted from 2:30-6:30 on Friday then ending up going to bed at 2:30am. But I realized that my sinus infection/ bronchitis was coming back. I had a all day training session downtown I had to go to. popped some Sudefed hoping this time it would work. I took some prior to going to bed and it just didn't work. I felt no better the entire morning. Poor Kate and Christine thought I was going to die of sneezing. Lunch time came I wasn't thinking I was desperate and I popped 2 more pills. in the 3rd training track I started to feel horrible. I was doing all I could to pay attention and stay focused but I could hear my heart racing and I felt woozy and disconnected. I looked at my girls and said ok after this we are leaving. I felt bad making them miss another training track but I thought I was going to explode. Got home laid down talked to Chris he worried because I am not a pill taking kind of person and to hear that I had taken to many kind of worried him. A few hours later and forcing myself up to run much needed errands I started feeling ok but then I got worse and at 9pm I was in bed. I looked at Sean with the most pitiful look I could muster up and told him baby I can't do game night. He walked me to bed checked on me till he went to bed around 11pm. He was worried I felt bad for him but I was miserable. Sweet boy let me sleep/ lay in bed til 10am.
Today I woke up feeling a bit better almost normal congestion I can handle trust me its so much better than yesterday! Was able to get some house work done. I got 4 loads done ( this will matter later in this blog!) and then did Hannah's hair for dress rehearsal tonight for her drill team. Talked to Chris briefly and finalizing plans for his return. Said good bye gathered our stuff headed to the rink. Realized I left most of what I needed somewhere at home. Thank god for dress rehearsals and understanding coaches. I took tons of pics they looked great and I was proud. We head home I settled on the couch while the kids put their clothes away and that's when I heard a bunch of commotion from the bedroom and two little voices say no you tell her no it was your fault you tell her. Sean comes out with a huge smile and says "Hey mom there's lots of water coming from the toilet it smells horrible and its just pouring out! Oh ya Hannah was the last one to use the potty to!" I was like what huh what your kidding. I stood up and heard it and oh ya it was flooding. I was like my gosh what do I do this is gross its nasty and it smells horrible. The icing was it was heading for the carpet in the bedroom!!! Really come on I don't need this I am not a plumber I don't know what I am suppose to do. I panicked called Jason he seemed a bit put out but I was desperate! He sort of helped but the fun was taking all those fresh clean towels that I had just folded now where on a nasty dirty soaked floor cleaning up the nasty mess. I was so grossed out. All I could think about was why now really why me?! What an ending for the week. I just finished a load of nasty towels so now I can maybe head to bed.
Chris emailed me his official orders today. Looks like everything is set and ready for him to leave. 6 weeks to go at work 9 weeks till he leave. All these plans falling into place make it all seem a bit more real. The kids are asking about it more and they have decided to make giant cards and tons of pictures for him. He is going to be spoiled and not know what hit him when he gets home. He has had a major impact on us and I think he realizes that now. He has truly been a god send to us an answer to our prayers. He is ready to come home and have us as his family. I am ready for hat too. Now its time to plan for the holidays, and plan for a wedding! HELP!!!!!!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
COMMUNICATION!!
After lots of debating on what my next entry would be I figured I would go another route just to spice things up a bit! I decided communication would be a great topic because the last two weeks the root of the evil the source of the problem lies with the communication or well the lack there of! Its odd as we are growing and learning we are stressed upon that talking, ie. communicating, is a major and important part of our lives. Whether we learn by signs or by verbal means communication is key in all aspects of our lives. So let me ask you this...... Why is it as we get older and we have this amazing vocabulary and this ability to speak do we suddenly stop? We just drop all means of communicating. I don't just mean in the spoken sense but either written or typed. And then we complain we are out of the loop and have no clue what is going on. Now granted sometimes its unavoidable and just happens and that's ok but really honestly it does happen more than we give it credit for so we have to own up to it at some point correct?!
My point, I am sure you are wondering, well I am getting to it. Over the course of the last few weeks I have had dealings where it came down to lack of communication. I tell you what it drove me up the wall! I have to inform everyone that my ESP bill did not get paid in fact I had to shut if off because my bills where adding up! So if you are thinking I can read your mind well sorry your wrong I lost that ability so back to good old communication! I really need to leave this memo for Jason some where because man this seems to happen almost on a weekly basis. The whole remember I told you blah blah and then the response was huh what no I have no clue I don't have that written anywhere response usually from me! See this is where I love text messaging and email. Its great because I can click a few buttons go back and see oh ya you did say that blah blah blah was going on or that what ever was cancelled. People I have 3 kids, work full time, and have a busy life, if you tell me something and do not email it, text it or see me writing it down there is a 99.9% chance I am going to forget it! No its not because I am rude and want to ignore your request or what ever its just I have a lousy memory so constant communication is key with me. I like to keep in the loop and be knowledgeable on things because well chances are the minute I stop keeping up it will catch up with me.
Now I will give a good example on how it can sometimes be unavoidable and just happens that you miss out. A friend of Chris' over the weekend was trying to reach me via Yahoo IM to inform me that Chris was sick ect. I however was growing worried that Saturday because I had not heard from him but decided to do the eh he can call me bit I am busy with other things. When I finally logged on my computer after 6pm that evening I had about a dozen IM's from his friend and I was upset and mad. Not mad at him but mad at me for not calling to check and see what was going on or being more proactive in the lack of communication with Chris that day. He is fine for now but has another doc apt not sure when. You have to love the military ways of treating the ill. But hopefully next week he will be sent to where they have the proper medical machines to check him out and get answers to his problems.
I do urge those who read this to think about it if you don't and ask yourself...... Do I assume everyone knows what is going on? Do I make sure that I let people know important things that include them? Just things like that. I really did that the last few days and I realized wow I have dropped the ball. But I realized some around me where in the same boat so I didn't feel so bad after all. But still its something to think about. Especially those of you who complain about communication with a spouse, friends, the work place. It might also be coming from your end also. Lord knows I am guilty of it but its made me think a lot lately when I am on the receiving end of the "Oh my I forgot!" line.
So anyways that's really it for the night. I figured since all is well here school started back the kids are doing great they love their teachers ect that I would try something different. Hope everyone has a great week and a wonderful weekend planned. I know mine will for sure be busy!
Evening all!
My point, I am sure you are wondering, well I am getting to it. Over the course of the last few weeks I have had dealings where it came down to lack of communication. I tell you what it drove me up the wall! I have to inform everyone that my ESP bill did not get paid in fact I had to shut if off because my bills where adding up! So if you are thinking I can read your mind well sorry your wrong I lost that ability so back to good old communication! I really need to leave this memo for Jason some where because man this seems to happen almost on a weekly basis. The whole remember I told you blah blah and then the response was huh what no I have no clue I don't have that written anywhere response usually from me! See this is where I love text messaging and email. Its great because I can click a few buttons go back and see oh ya you did say that blah blah blah was going on or that what ever was cancelled. People I have 3 kids, work full time, and have a busy life, if you tell me something and do not email it, text it or see me writing it down there is a 99.9% chance I am going to forget it! No its not because I am rude and want to ignore your request or what ever its just I have a lousy memory so constant communication is key with me. I like to keep in the loop and be knowledgeable on things because well chances are the minute I stop keeping up it will catch up with me.
Now I will give a good example on how it can sometimes be unavoidable and just happens that you miss out. A friend of Chris' over the weekend was trying to reach me via Yahoo IM to inform me that Chris was sick ect. I however was growing worried that Saturday because I had not heard from him but decided to do the eh he can call me bit I am busy with other things. When I finally logged on my computer after 6pm that evening I had about a dozen IM's from his friend and I was upset and mad. Not mad at him but mad at me for not calling to check and see what was going on or being more proactive in the lack of communication with Chris that day. He is fine for now but has another doc apt not sure when. You have to love the military ways of treating the ill. But hopefully next week he will be sent to where they have the proper medical machines to check him out and get answers to his problems.
I do urge those who read this to think about it if you don't and ask yourself...... Do I assume everyone knows what is going on? Do I make sure that I let people know important things that include them? Just things like that. I really did that the last few days and I realized wow I have dropped the ball. But I realized some around me where in the same boat so I didn't feel so bad after all. But still its something to think about. Especially those of you who complain about communication with a spouse, friends, the work place. It might also be coming from your end also. Lord knows I am guilty of it but its made me think a lot lately when I am on the receiving end of the "Oh my I forgot!" line.
So anyways that's really it for the night. I figured since all is well here school started back the kids are doing great they love their teachers ect that I would try something different. Hope everyone has a great week and a wonderful weekend planned. I know mine will for sure be busy!
Evening all!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Not much to report
Since my last post not much as gone on really. I did get new locks and I like them they look great I almost feel inspired to change all the door fixtures in my place but lack of funding right now is keeping my from that. But here in the next few weeks I will have to buckle down hard and get the house moving in a order that I need it to be in. Our count down is making me excited and anxious. We are now at 78 days. So ya 2.5 months and really with the way things are going that will go by before we know it. Since Chris will be coming home during a mega busy month I literally typed out a plan for the month. I sometimes scare myself with the organizational skills I do have but some times lack in using! But once that week of Thanksgiving comes we hit the ground running and probably won't stop till that Sunday after. I think after seeing just that week alone typed out exhausted me! Between celebrating Thanksgiving at possibly 2 houses, 2 ice shows and other activities its going to be go, go, go! I do not think Chris realizes what he is in for with all of this, but it will sure be nice to have and extra body around to help with stuff.
Scare thought for me but this time next week my kids will be completing their first day back at school. Sean will start 4th grade...... yes that's correct I didn't type the wrong number that does say 4 and Hannah will go into 2nd grade. Wow time is going to fast and I can't seem to make it slow down at all! Ella Grace is in pre-k. I try not to think about having 3 school aged children this time next year. I also try not to think about Chris leaving again this time next year. Ya it all gets depressing so I just go back to thinking about right now. But this week its back to school time schedules and routine. It shouldn't be to different from now except we have to factor homework into the mix and any school activities. Really to me this summer went to quickly I am sort of sad to see it all ending but then again I like the routine of the school week so I guess there is something to look forward to.
I figured I would steal some time to write since I haven't lately and the girls are playing so well in the other room, Chris is sleeping, my house is clean and I am bored. I am excited this emotional roller coaster is almost over I know that in 78 days/11 weeks that a new life will be starting one that does not involve odd hour phone calls, massive time zone differences, and the frustration of having someone in your life but not having them there with you. And yes he is in Abilene but that is so much better than where he is but we have worked out everything and I know it will work for now. I know there might have been some confusion or misinformation but no I am not moving in November when Chris comes home. There is a lot that has to go into my moving and for now we agree this set up will work for us. I know that down the line that will change but for now and for the next year or so I will be in Dallas doing what I always do with my kids. So never fear we will be here.
Well the girls have wandered out ins each of dinner so I guess its my motherly duty to feed them and get them in bed. After all they are baby sitting Uncle Joe after his surgery tomorrow. Ha I know that sounds funny but with their Uncle Joe out of commission with a broken Fibula and dislocated ankle the girls have been enlisted to help out on days he would normally take care of them. This should be interesting to see how well Hannah and Ella Grace do with this. I will write more later when life gets more exciting! Night all!
Scare thought for me but this time next week my kids will be completing their first day back at school. Sean will start 4th grade...... yes that's correct I didn't type the wrong number that does say 4 and Hannah will go into 2nd grade. Wow time is going to fast and I can't seem to make it slow down at all! Ella Grace is in pre-k. I try not to think about having 3 school aged children this time next year. I also try not to think about Chris leaving again this time next year. Ya it all gets depressing so I just go back to thinking about right now. But this week its back to school time schedules and routine. It shouldn't be to different from now except we have to factor homework into the mix and any school activities. Really to me this summer went to quickly I am sort of sad to see it all ending but then again I like the routine of the school week so I guess there is something to look forward to.
I figured I would steal some time to write since I haven't lately and the girls are playing so well in the other room, Chris is sleeping, my house is clean and I am bored. I am excited this emotional roller coaster is almost over I know that in 78 days/11 weeks that a new life will be starting one that does not involve odd hour phone calls, massive time zone differences, and the frustration of having someone in your life but not having them there with you. And yes he is in Abilene but that is so much better than where he is but we have worked out everything and I know it will work for now. I know there might have been some confusion or misinformation but no I am not moving in November when Chris comes home. There is a lot that has to go into my moving and for now we agree this set up will work for us. I know that down the line that will change but for now and for the next year or so I will be in Dallas doing what I always do with my kids. So never fear we will be here.
Well the girls have wandered out ins each of dinner so I guess its my motherly duty to feed them and get them in bed. After all they are baby sitting Uncle Joe after his surgery tomorrow. Ha I know that sounds funny but with their Uncle Joe out of commission with a broken Fibula and dislocated ankle the girls have been enlisted to help out on days he would normally take care of them. This should be interesting to see how well Hannah and Ella Grace do with this. I will write more later when life gets more exciting! Night all!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Strange things are happening....
So yesterday was an interesting day. I am at a point now where I wonder what really should I do and how serious do I make this out to be. Yesterday just really got to me and now I think am I making this out to be more than it really is or should I really heed the red flags I am thinking I notice. And no this does not have anything at all to do with Chris in fact I am looking to him and some other close people to help me out right now. And what I say here in this blog I would like to remain here in this blog since certain people do not read this know it exists or know how to access it. And for that reason I trust my close friends and family who do read this to leave it here on this page. The only reason I am bringing this up is because I feel this is my outlet.
So I guess I have peaked your curiosity on why I am talking in such code. So anyways..... Yesterday in my mad rush to try and leave on time I couldn't find my keys and I said ok fine I will have to leave the door unlocked. Yes scold me lecture me on the finer points of how dangerous that is but today I just couldn't be late so I said said forget it door will be unlocked and I will figure the key situation out later. So I as I do every morning go down to the car where Jason is waiting to haul us off to school. I made sure not to mention what I had done just to error on the side of caution. As Myranda brings me and Ella home that night I realize dang it I do not have my clicker and I have to enter the gate code. I was looking for something and in my purse at the bottom in the corner was my keys. I grabbed them so I could check the mail but first I needed to put my stuff upstairs and make sure that no one was in my house. That's where things got weird. I went to open the door and it was locked. I thought humm maybe I did lock the bottom lock from the inside out of habit. Good thing I found my keys ha. So I unlock it and humm still can't get in. The deadbolt is locked. Strange now I know I couldn't do that from the inside. So I unlock it walk in and think to myself I know now he has a key that is my proof. Yes my ex has managed to get a key without my permission to my place. No I do not have a key to his nor do I ever got into his place unannounced or when he is not home. I have boundaries and respect. Once Hannah came back from the rink I just casually asked if she had been here at all while I was gone and she said no but daddy was he came over to get my shoes. Hummm see daddy has lots of shoes at his house so I figured something is up. I told her oh ok thank you glad he was able to find your shoes and left it at that. I called Chris knowing he would be upset and we agreed to change the locks with out telling him and do it while the girls are at their dads house this weekend. I have also decided to add him to my lease so in case anything happens ect he is able to do something about it.
This isn't the first instance of him being in my house. Right after Chris left to go back to Korea someone came in my house and went through my stuff. I know it was my ex because he makes a lousy criminal and leaves tracks everywhere. I also know when we where moving he was going through my purse and looking for things and helped himself to some cash. He has in the past gotten a hold of my mail key and taken my mail which I later found in a dresser drawer. Taken my flash drive to see what he could find only later to find it in a puddle outside his house in some water. I know it was him because he had asked for it because he said he put stuff on it. (he didn't he just thought he could snoop) The flash drive still worked amazingly but once he realized it, it was again missing and now is gone for good and there where things I really needed on there and it angers me a lot.
There are things that he has done since we where married that I over looked and things that I was put through that no one should ever deal with and I thought for the sake of our kids and what friendship we had left we could just be adults and be friendly. It is odd I know that he still takes me places but with out a car (thanks to him and his brother) I have no other way around and must count on him till I can get a car with Chris when he comes home in Nov. Chris understand how much I hate this situation because right now I would love nothing more than to tell Jason off and what I think of him but if I do that I am stuck and stranded. I am doing this for my girls because I want them to be able to still skate and do the things they are suppose to do that I can not do for them right now. I hate that someone has so much control over me and I feel so useless so powerless. I am not that kind of person. I can not make any sort of choice with out him berating me on me not consulting him first. I changed the kids doctor because the other one was horrible, out of the way and just a bad deal. He gets mad because I don't consult him on the matter. Well pardon the hell out of me but I am the one filling out the paper work for CHIPs and busting my ass to get all the required documents to them I think its up to me to pick where they go. And I did tell him once it was up for renewal I would be looking at new docs for those reasons. I have never let anyone have so much control over me. I have never told anyone how much control he has had over me. Now after these recent events I feel that maybe he is beyond angry that I have moved on and found someone and I don't need him. I often worry if he will do something irrational and stupid, because he has in the past.
I trust my family and friends here and since I do not post the blog address I know that for the most part this is in safe hands. I just needed to vent and get things out there because this has been eating at me for some time and causing me to feel really down and bad about myself. I am trying to be the best mom I can for these kids and I feel like I let them down because I can not do things for them on my own with out their father because of this whole stupid mess. I need my freedom my Independence and I know soon I will but still I hate the trapped controlled everything is out of my hands feeling. That is not who I am that is not what I want to be. I know Chris wants the best for us and I know how badly he wants us to have it. I am so anxious for his return because I know things will start looking up. So I know if I can just hold out 12 more weeks it will all be ok and I won't have to please someone who hurts me so much.
So I guess I have peaked your curiosity on why I am talking in such code. So anyways..... Yesterday in my mad rush to try and leave on time I couldn't find my keys and I said ok fine I will have to leave the door unlocked. Yes scold me lecture me on the finer points of how dangerous that is but today I just couldn't be late so I said said forget it door will be unlocked and I will figure the key situation out later. So I as I do every morning go down to the car where Jason is waiting to haul us off to school. I made sure not to mention what I had done just to error on the side of caution. As Myranda brings me and Ella home that night I realize dang it I do not have my clicker and I have to enter the gate code. I was looking for something and in my purse at the bottom in the corner was my keys. I grabbed them so I could check the mail but first I needed to put my stuff upstairs and make sure that no one was in my house. That's where things got weird. I went to open the door and it was locked. I thought humm maybe I did lock the bottom lock from the inside out of habit. Good thing I found my keys ha. So I unlock it and humm still can't get in. The deadbolt is locked. Strange now I know I couldn't do that from the inside. So I unlock it walk in and think to myself I know now he has a key that is my proof. Yes my ex has managed to get a key without my permission to my place. No I do not have a key to his nor do I ever got into his place unannounced or when he is not home. I have boundaries and respect. Once Hannah came back from the rink I just casually asked if she had been here at all while I was gone and she said no but daddy was he came over to get my shoes. Hummm see daddy has lots of shoes at his house so I figured something is up. I told her oh ok thank you glad he was able to find your shoes and left it at that. I called Chris knowing he would be upset and we agreed to change the locks with out telling him and do it while the girls are at their dads house this weekend. I have also decided to add him to my lease so in case anything happens ect he is able to do something about it.
This isn't the first instance of him being in my house. Right after Chris left to go back to Korea someone came in my house and went through my stuff. I know it was my ex because he makes a lousy criminal and leaves tracks everywhere. I also know when we where moving he was going through my purse and looking for things and helped himself to some cash. He has in the past gotten a hold of my mail key and taken my mail which I later found in a dresser drawer. Taken my flash drive to see what he could find only later to find it in a puddle outside his house in some water. I know it was him because he had asked for it because he said he put stuff on it. (he didn't he just thought he could snoop) The flash drive still worked amazingly but once he realized it, it was again missing and now is gone for good and there where things I really needed on there and it angers me a lot.
There are things that he has done since we where married that I over looked and things that I was put through that no one should ever deal with and I thought for the sake of our kids and what friendship we had left we could just be adults and be friendly. It is odd I know that he still takes me places but with out a car (thanks to him and his brother) I have no other way around and must count on him till I can get a car with Chris when he comes home in Nov. Chris understand how much I hate this situation because right now I would love nothing more than to tell Jason off and what I think of him but if I do that I am stuck and stranded. I am doing this for my girls because I want them to be able to still skate and do the things they are suppose to do that I can not do for them right now. I hate that someone has so much control over me and I feel so useless so powerless. I am not that kind of person. I can not make any sort of choice with out him berating me on me not consulting him first. I changed the kids doctor because the other one was horrible, out of the way and just a bad deal. He gets mad because I don't consult him on the matter. Well pardon the hell out of me but I am the one filling out the paper work for CHIPs and busting my ass to get all the required documents to them I think its up to me to pick where they go. And I did tell him once it was up for renewal I would be looking at new docs for those reasons. I have never let anyone have so much control over me. I have never told anyone how much control he has had over me. Now after these recent events I feel that maybe he is beyond angry that I have moved on and found someone and I don't need him. I often worry if he will do something irrational and stupid, because he has in the past.
I trust my family and friends here and since I do not post the blog address I know that for the most part this is in safe hands. I just needed to vent and get things out there because this has been eating at me for some time and causing me to feel really down and bad about myself. I am trying to be the best mom I can for these kids and I feel like I let them down because I can not do things for them on my own with out their father because of this whole stupid mess. I need my freedom my Independence and I know soon I will but still I hate the trapped controlled everything is out of my hands feeling. That is not who I am that is not what I want to be. I know Chris wants the best for us and I know how badly he wants us to have it. I am so anxious for his return because I know things will start looking up. So I know if I can just hold out 12 more weeks it will all be ok and I won't have to please someone who hurts me so much.
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