Monday, July 16, 2012

Doing what is best

Things in our life are never what they seem they should be anymore. Of course why should or would it be. If that was the case no one would have problems, complications or difficult choices to make. If we knew how we thought it should be would be how it was then we would probably have a picture perfect life. Selfish but perfect. 

The girls are still here for the summer and I had been talking with their father on keeping them here for good. For what I was thinking was for not so selfish reasons actually in the end in ways was. I wanted them here because I am there mom, they need me and I need them, I can send them to a good school, I wouldn't miss them when they are not home with us. I figured in my mind I am mom so of course I can give them the best care because after all isn't that what a mom does? I mean who doesn't think that in most cases that a mom is the best fit to take are of her babies? We carry them in our wombs for 9 months, go through hell and high water for them so why should we not be the best ones to raise them!

Tonight I spoke with their father and said that the school here was just as good as Dallas, I really wanted them here with me because I am mom and I know what they need, I could provide them with everything they would need. It was a real eye opener when I realized I might not. It would not be on the parenting aspect, or the competent aspect it would be on what is best for them aspect. Yes I am their mom and they are my daughters and a daughter needs their momma but they also need the best help and the best education. Both girls are battling some problems in school that Scottish Rite is assisting with. Hannah is in a specialized program at her school and has already had to repeat because of the problems she is battling. Ella is about to get her testing and evaluation done through Scottish Rite and hopefully get on the same program as Hannah. The catch well Abilene does not have a Scottish Rite or anything comparable to it. I discovered budget cuts this year will effect special ed and would more than likely effect the help the girls receive. While the girls are in regular classrooms Hannah has special work they do with her outside of the classroom during the day. That is what got her through last year. 

I had to put in the forefront of my mind what was more important. The need to have my daughters here to raise them because I am mom and give them everything they need here or in a few weeks send them back home to their father and let them attend the school that has helped them make it through a lot of rough roads. The principal has stated that if the girls left they could lose their spot with the hardship they have and if they did get another one it could be a year before it could go into effect IF it went into effect. We would have to start over with the program they are in and that already took months of dealing with the school board to get going. Is all of this worth the possibility of the girls not doing as well out here and having to repeat grades? To me no. Self esteem is a big thing for me and I want my girls to ooze that and I know if Hannah had to repeat again she wouldn't handle it as well this time and I know that Ella would be devastated. To me that is not worth it.

My children's ability to thrive and grow is more important than anything. If H had to stay here while Chris lived else where just to ensure that he got the best treatment and care possible I would do it. Family is where the heart is. If our hearts are always together in our minds and thoughts then we are always a family no matter where we are. I just need family and friends to understand that also. It is not that I am giving up on them. It is the furthest thing I want to do. If I was giving up I would say screw what their needs are and what is best for them and keep them here. At least I get what I want. I am doing as a mom what is best. If your child had to get a special treatment once a week and it meant that you had to live hours away from the rest of the family just so your baby got the help they needed you know you would do it. This is the same for me. 

While I hear why not just go back home and raise the girls? To move cost money, to rent cost money, to sustain life after moving etc cost money. If we left here we have no money, no way to support the kids and no place to live. So while yes in conversation moving sounds so ideal think about it the next time you have to PCS or move to a new part of town to a new home. Think about all the money and time that goes into it. You wouldn't just move to be where you want to be with no plan, no money and no nothing right? So why would our family do that? Trust me if we had all this extra money around we would not be stressing over so much. So until we can come up with a set game plan with a secured job for myself and Chris, a secured place to live that won't leave us with nothing once we move then for now this has to be home because we have a place to live, job and the things we need to get by. 

I just hope this clears the air and sets everyone straight. I know that there was things that left me upset at the end of last year but those have since been resolved and a better understanding has been made. Guidelines are set and will be followed. I feel a lot better. Just have faith and trust in us that we are all doing the right thing. I need positive support right now. This is my reality and I am doing what I can to embrace that.  I can not doing being full of negativity and doubt.

I know this will be very hard on not only the girls but H. He has formed a bond this summer that he does not even have with Chris and I. He follows them and demands their attention. Hannah has a way with just making H content and happy. She reads to him all the time. This has a dual purpose. She gets that practice she needs and he gets the verbal help he needs. Their interactions have really helped each other so much this summer. I am sad this is coming to an end. I scared of how this will effect H. 

For now we are focusing on the time we have here and what we can do to make the most of it. I am hoping all these new therapy plans for H will help him and maybe it won't effect him as bad as I anticipate in my mind. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. It's how I live. I am always ready for worst case. Maybe that makes me a pessimist or maybe just a realist. I also think it keeps me from being totally let down when what I was expecting does not pan out. I guess it is just doing what is best.