Friday, May 31, 2013

I'll be honest....

I find myself saying that more and more. Not that I am not an honest person but sometimes I think I like to not always admit things that I know I want or that are bothering me until it is to late or no longer matters.

I'll be honest.... When I see all my friends getting  pregnant or who just had babies,  even my two sisters, a pang of sadness hits me. I wish I could be pregnant again. However due to the nature of my past pregnancies this is just not an options, that along with H requires a lot of time and attention and we are just in a place to have anymore children in our family.

I'll be honest... When I became a mom for the first time almost 13 years ago I was unsure I was going to even be able to make as a mom. I was very young and honestly had no clue. I never dreamed I would be sitting here talking about how he is about to start his final year of Jr High and become a teenager. This all baffles me and then to have added three more kids to that mix. I must have thought I was onto something because so far they are all alive and well and thats all that matters to me!

I'll be honest....I get jealous of my friends and family when I see that they are taking family trips, weekend getaways. I know we have our fair share of trips but I guess I don't see going back home three hours away to Dallas as a family vacation. I long for a real family vacation. However lots of factors would go into this such as the perfect local for a child like H and of course having the money to do this.

I'll be honest.... I wished and wished that once Chris got back from Korea that someway, somehow, he would be getting out of the military we could have our life in Dallas and that I wouldn't have to give up anything that I had. This is one that I am not proud of but at the time I was scared and unsure of things and knew that my best bet was staying close to home. Careful what I wish for.

I'll be honest.... There have been days I wish I could say forget my job and responsibilities I want to be staying at home doing what I want to do. I feel lately like I miss out on so much and don't get included into things because I work and have my family. This however doesn't in anyway mean I wish I didn't have this life I have because that is not true. I love my family I love what I do but there are just some days I wish it could be different.

I'll be honest.... While most think I have it all together I am the biggest procrastinator EVER!!!!! I do my best work under the gun, pressure, pressure, pressure!! I am by no means organized though I wish I was. I try really hard to be but I am to ADHD to follow through..... SQUIRREL!

I'll be honest... I wish I was tougher, I wish some days I was able to stand up for myself better than I do. I wish I was better about saying no and letting people know they can't talk to me the way they do, treat me how they do and that I deserve as much respect as the next person. Alas I am a people pleaser, I want to make everyone happy and put my needs last. If they are happy, they get what they want and how they want it then I can be happy with that also. Sometimes I need to make a change and not always let that be the case.

I'll be honest... I have always wanted a big blog following. I love writing and think I am pretty good at it. I am not by any means a professional but this is my outlet on my life and feelings. I am a horrible speller but thanks to modern technology I have come a long ways! I see all these blogs with huge followings that everyone shares and talks about and I think "Man I want to be popular like that!" I think part of this stems from I have never been popular. I was probably the least noticed all through school and still to this day. I don't crave attention I guess I just want to be part of the group. I want to be noticed and thought of as a great person to be around that is fun and and well like. I guess that is just my personality ha ha.

I'll be honest.... I have rambled enough. I am hearing my child climb the kitchen counters seeking out food and other items so that is my cue to get to it and get him ready for school.