Thursday, March 14, 2013

Selfish Moments

I love my job as a mom. In fact there is nothing more that I want to be in this world than a mom. Have there been days were I have sat back and thought what it would be like to not be a mom? I won't lie, yes I have. I do wonder where I would be, who I would be with and what I would be doing. It however, is pointless to go there, since I am a mom and nothing is going to change that and this is my life and were I am suppose to be. Do I get jealous of my friends who are childless who can on a whim go out and enjoy their free time and take trips when they want? Ya of course who wouldn't?!

This week has been tough. I mean really tough. I feel like we have gone back in time to almost a year ago. School has been tough, therapy tough even at home has been just plain tough. I think the highlight or maybe low point, however you want to take it, was today. I thought last night was bad but this one take the cake. I want to share my breaking point the moment that I realized something has to change, something has to give. 

Anyways, after leaving a very rambunctious Physical Therapy session today we headed off to drop the girls at the youth center. Something about this particular drop off was enough to send poor H into a mood. We fought in the parking lot for a bit at the youth center and finally I had him strapped into his car seat, or so I thought. He was so angry and was dead set on getting these bubbles in the cup holder that he managed to bust out of his car seat while I was driving to get them. I swear the only thing that was missing from this catastrophe was the base police being right behind me as my child becomes a maniac in the back seat. I get him situated back in the seat and he proceeds to get upset all over again. We park and I tell him he may bring his bubbles into the school if he will calm down, hold my hand and walk into the school. He was actually doing pretty good and as soon as we got near the door he lost it all over again. 
We walked into quiet an audience. Most of the CDC's leadership team (my bosses) were up front talking and turned when they heard the screams and shrieks. They tried to help but honestly it was futile. I walked him down to his room and he was in a pure anxiety attack. I tried to bring him in the room and he ran to the front of the building. The assistant director was there to grab him and tried to help. He was so upset no one could understand him. After a few moments we tried this drop off thing again. 
I realized as we walked down the hall I would have to try another method. As we approached the door I realized this was not about me getting my extra 30 minutes of down time before I clock in and tend to 24 other children for the next six hours. This was about helping my son make the transition into his classroom so that he can get the most of the day. Regardless if it worked or not it was up to me, his mom, to do my best to set him up for the best day possible. So that meant sitting in the hallway with his lap pad, bubbles, money and his brush. After about 20 minutes of blowing bubbles, singing "You are my sunshine", and doing his brush, compression therapy we seemed to have seemed to have made a bit of progress. 
I guess what I thought was progress was just sort of a front of some sort. We walked in the room and he grew upset again. We sat in the Safe Place and I offered him his comfort items. I sat for a few minutes and realized that I had to get clocked in. I hugged him and left feeling the most guilty and horrible about the situation I have ever had. It was at that moment I knew my evening plans would be shot because he would be way to worked up and out of sorts by the time we got home that evening. I was right. 

While the rest of the day I had guilt looming in the back of my mind that this was not fair to Hunter that this was just getting to hard. He doesn't care to play with the children his age, he doesn't have social skills to deal with his peers, he hates change and to many unexpected transitions. I also felt guilty because I realized my one shot at a kid free evening for just a few hours was shot. I know that is horrible to think or say but honestly when you rarely get that time to yourself and I don't mean when you are at work, or at school, then you just get a little upset that you lost that opportunity. 

Part of my honestly wanted to just melt down. I wanted to get angry at everyone who got to go out tonight and my family because I was unable to just have that break. I decided to put the least amount of effort into dinner. (We ended up having breakfast for dinner) and attempting to bake slice and bake cookies. Go figure those would be a flop. I decided to retreat to my chair in the corner of the living room and feel sorry for myself. I started thinking of everyone else and what they get to do. I don't like doing that but sometimes when I just reach that point I let myself go there. It is a bad thing today because then I get jealous and resentful. 

Slowly as I started typing this out I can feel that tension and resentment lifting. I can see just how lucky I am to have this family that I as given. Seeing the world through my children's eyes is sometimes just what I need to do. As a parent we all have selfish moments and if you don't you are either in sheer denial or Mother Teresa, because honestly I know it happens. However if you just sit back and put yourself in your child's shoes and realize things happen for a reason, that this is your purpose it seems life on of the best things in the world to have happen to you.