I love my job as a mom. In fact there is nothing more that I want to be in this world than a mom. Have there been days were I have sat back and thought what it would be like to not be a mom? I won't lie, yes I have. I do wonder where I would be, who I would be with and what I would be doing. It however, is pointless to go there, since I am a mom and nothing is going to change that and this is my life and were I am suppose to be. Do I get jealous of my friends who are childless who can on a whim go out and enjoy their free time and take trips when they want? Ya of course who wouldn't?!
This week has been tough. I mean really tough. I feel like we have gone back in time to almost a year ago. School has been tough, therapy tough even at home has been just plain tough. I think the highlight or maybe low point, however you want to take it, was today. I thought last night was bad but this one take the cake. I want to share my breaking point the moment that I realized something has to change, something has to give.
Anyways, after leaving a very rambunctious Physical Therapy session today we headed off to drop the girls at the youth center. Something about this particular drop off was enough to send poor H into a mood. We fought in the parking lot for a bit at the youth center and finally I had him strapped into his car seat, or so I thought. He was so angry and was dead set on getting these bubbles in the cup holder that he managed to bust out of his car seat while I was driving to get them. I swear the only thing that was missing from this catastrophe was the base police being right behind me as my child becomes a maniac in the back seat. I get him situated back in the seat and he proceeds to get upset all over again. We park and I tell him he may bring his bubbles into the school if he will calm down, hold my hand and walk into the school. He was actually doing pretty good and as soon as we got near the door he lost it all over again.
We walked into quiet an audience. Most of the CDC's leadership team (my bosses) were up front talking and turned when they heard the screams and shrieks. They tried to help but honestly it was futile. I walked him down to his room and he was in a pure anxiety attack. I tried to bring him in the room and he ran to the front of the building. The assistant director was there to grab him and tried to help. He was so upset no one could understand him. After a few moments we tried this drop off thing again.
I realized as we walked down the hall I would have to try another method. As we approached the door I realized this was not about me getting my extra 30 minutes of down time before I clock in and tend to 24 other children for the next six hours. This was about helping my son make the transition into his classroom so that he can get the most of the day. Regardless if it worked or not it was up to me, his mom, to do my best to set him up for the best day possible. So that meant sitting in the hallway with his lap pad, bubbles, money and his brush. After about 20 minutes of blowing bubbles, singing "You are my sunshine", and doing his brush, compression therapy we seemed to have seemed to have made a bit of progress.
I guess what I thought was progress was just sort of a front of some sort. We walked in the room and he grew upset again. We sat in the Safe Place and I offered him his comfort items. I sat for a few minutes and realized that I had to get clocked in. I hugged him and left feeling the most guilty and horrible about the situation I have ever had. It was at that moment I knew my evening plans would be shot because he would be way to worked up and out of sorts by the time we got home that evening. I was right.
While the rest of the day I had guilt looming in the back of my mind that this was not fair to Hunter that this was just getting to hard. He doesn't care to play with the children his age, he doesn't have social skills to deal with his peers, he hates change and to many unexpected transitions. I also felt guilty because I realized my one shot at a kid free evening for just a few hours was shot. I know that is horrible to think or say but honestly when you rarely get that time to yourself and I don't mean when you are at work, or at school, then you just get a little upset that you lost that opportunity.
Part of my honestly wanted to just melt down. I wanted to get angry at everyone who got to go out tonight and my family because I was unable to just have that break. I decided to put the least amount of effort into dinner. (We ended up having breakfast for dinner) and attempting to bake slice and bake cookies. Go figure those would be a flop. I decided to retreat to my chair in the corner of the living room and feel sorry for myself. I started thinking of everyone else and what they get to do. I don't like doing that but sometimes when I just reach that point I let myself go there. It is a bad thing today because then I get jealous and resentful.
Slowly as I started typing this out I can feel that tension and resentment lifting. I can see just how lucky I am to have this family that I as given. Seeing the world through my children's eyes is sometimes just what I need to do. As a parent we all have selfish moments and if you don't you are either in sheer denial or Mother Teresa, because honestly I know it happens. However if you just sit back and put yourself in your child's shoes and realize things happen for a reason, that this is your purpose it seems life on of the best things in the world to have happen to you.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Just keep your head up
I have often been told what a strong woman I am for doing all that it is I do for not only my son but for my family. I have felt on top of the world and empowered. The motivation and drive I have had has been unreal. How sad is it that it just takes such a small word, a sentence a person to completely knock you down and make you wonder why you are doing what you are doing, second guess everything you do and question your own sanity? It happens because we let others around us influence our ways of thinking. Some are better at resisting and ignoring others just take it all to heart and do worry about what others say about them. It sucks that some of us are wired that way and that people have to be so mean but at the same time sometimes people don't realize they are being mean. They are just sometimes uneducated, inexperienced or just plain ignorant when it comes to speaking to people on things they are not familiar with.
I have been proud of my quest to educate myself on ASD and what my son is going through. I want to help others and be more of an advocate and educator. However due to my own insecurities I sort of just kept my motives to the world of Facebook and those who are closest to me. I decided to throw caution to the wind and say screw what others think of what I am going through and what others think. What seems so small and trivial really got to me more than I think it should but at the same time left me wanting to make more of a statement. It all was over a poster for our H's walk team in April. Someone threw it away shortly after I left it in our break room and it left me ticked off. After some encouraging words from friends I decided to to create more posters and place them all over the place. It was an awesome feeling I got to just know that I don't care what you say or what you do this is who I am this is what I do and you can just get over it! The way my friends supported me on this was amazing. It really boosted my confidence and made me feel invincible.
I think what is hardest to deal with right now is those who spend the most time with him and don't take the time to understand him and what he is going through. The fact that he looks "normal" and acts "normal" is enough for them to dismiss his diagnosis. I don't want to look at his weaknesses and I know he has so many strengths but my fear is that if his weaknesses go unnoticed that this will only cause more problems later on in life. I want the absolute best for him and for him to know that we will fight for him with ever thing we have.
Today at speech while he was doing great and making progress the conversation that we had was not really comforting in my eyes. While she said he has made so much progress she seemed to discount my valid concerns and wanted to graduate him from speech maybe seeing him twice a month. While I am happy part of me is concerned because there are things that still need to be worked on such as being able to talk to others in a social setting, how to control his talking when he is worked up, overwhelmed and excited. There are other things that concern me about his speech but to me it doesn't matter now because after I said them she said "Well he has what P something disorder so that is part of it." I said yes he has Pervasive Development Disorder. The fact that she works with my son WEEKLY has a COPY of his diagnosis on FILE made me slightly irritated. Through a fake smile and clenched teeth I thanked her and left. I understand she has several patients but I would think with needing to know your patients diagnosis would be important when working with them. My child is not some client he is Hunter he is a child who needs a lot of help in the social aspects along with just day to day.
When I came home from dropping him off at school I let all these hit me and I finally decided that enough was enough. I called his doctor in Denton and spent an hour on the phone with her. I poured out all my frustrations and concerns and she was amazing. She addressed them all and made me feel so much better. She told me some steps to take when it came to preparing for our IEP meeting, how to handle his speech therapist and those who must interact with him who seem to not be aware of what his disability entails. She reassured me that I am doing a great job with him and that I will be his biggest voice and to not settle unless I was totally sure of what I was doing. While some of this is easier said than done I my focus now time and attention on the important things... Keeping my head up!
I have been proud of my quest to educate myself on ASD and what my son is going through. I want to help others and be more of an advocate and educator. However due to my own insecurities I sort of just kept my motives to the world of Facebook and those who are closest to me. I decided to throw caution to the wind and say screw what others think of what I am going through and what others think. What seems so small and trivial really got to me more than I think it should but at the same time left me wanting to make more of a statement. It all was over a poster for our H's walk team in April. Someone threw it away shortly after I left it in our break room and it left me ticked off. After some encouraging words from friends I decided to to create more posters and place them all over the place. It was an awesome feeling I got to just know that I don't care what you say or what you do this is who I am this is what I do and you can just get over it! The way my friends supported me on this was amazing. It really boosted my confidence and made me feel invincible.
I think what is hardest to deal with right now is those who spend the most time with him and don't take the time to understand him and what he is going through. The fact that he looks "normal" and acts "normal" is enough for them to dismiss his diagnosis. I don't want to look at his weaknesses and I know he has so many strengths but my fear is that if his weaknesses go unnoticed that this will only cause more problems later on in life. I want the absolute best for him and for him to know that we will fight for him with ever thing we have.
Today at speech while he was doing great and making progress the conversation that we had was not really comforting in my eyes. While she said he has made so much progress she seemed to discount my valid concerns and wanted to graduate him from speech maybe seeing him twice a month. While I am happy part of me is concerned because there are things that still need to be worked on such as being able to talk to others in a social setting, how to control his talking when he is worked up, overwhelmed and excited. There are other things that concern me about his speech but to me it doesn't matter now because after I said them she said "Well he has what P something disorder so that is part of it." I said yes he has Pervasive Development Disorder. The fact that she works with my son WEEKLY has a COPY of his diagnosis on FILE made me slightly irritated. Through a fake smile and clenched teeth I thanked her and left. I understand she has several patients but I would think with needing to know your patients diagnosis would be important when working with them. My child is not some client he is Hunter he is a child who needs a lot of help in the social aspects along with just day to day.
When I came home from dropping him off at school I let all these hit me and I finally decided that enough was enough. I called his doctor in Denton and spent an hour on the phone with her. I poured out all my frustrations and concerns and she was amazing. She addressed them all and made me feel so much better. She told me some steps to take when it came to preparing for our IEP meeting, how to handle his speech therapist and those who must interact with him who seem to not be aware of what his disability entails. She reassured me that I am doing a great job with him and that I will be his biggest voice and to not settle unless I was totally sure of what I was doing. While some of this is easier said than done I my focus now time and attention on the important things... Keeping my head up!
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