Thursday, June 10, 2010

Not myself

Life has been good since being home from the hospital. I had this new found momentum and was zipping around nicely through the house cleaning, organizing, making dinner ect. This week though for some reason I have started to crash out. It started when my dishwasher decided to not work. So of course making my nice elaborate dinners after that was a chore because well everything used had to be washed by hand. Ok so it's not horrible right but still not how I like to do things. That was going great till the sink plumbing decided to back up into said crapped out dishwasher and then spill it's smelly nasty contents to my kitchen floor and my feet. So now no dishwasher and no sink. So that means very very limited cooking. Where is the plumber you might ask. Well since my landlord found the only man who won't work past 5pm and do not give authorization to OT, I am to patiently wait till 9 am Saturday morning for my plumbing king to arrive. Yes I could call and protest this with my landlord but for reasons I just don't want to get into right now I am not and will just suck it up.

While yes that situation up above shouldn't lead me to feel the way I do it's now that I am trying to complete my Child Development Certification and I am trying to get that together and organized for my professor/ advisor next Thursday afternoon. I spent my whole weekend going through my storage bin of school stuff to get that organized. I also need to finish some training certification that I started back in early March. I spent a good 10 hours on that this past weekend also. While yes that sounds productive I managed to do laundry just be lazy and not put it away. I made dinner and let the dishes sit. This for me lately is not how I work and has made me feel terribly guilty and well lazy. My living room used to be so clean and spotless now it's covered in books, papers, training material and other such stuff. My cool Poang chair from IKEA is covered with all sorts of school books, training books and other such resources. I have never felt so not me. I have really been hard on myself for this sort of thing.

Here is the deal. Every time I have been pregnant I have prided myself on being a hard worker who does my job every day and does what and more is expected of me. I never use being pregnant is a excuse or reason to not do my job. I am pregnant not disabled. I don't ask for extra breaks, I don't ask for special requests I just do what I would do if I wasn't pregnant. I work 9 hours a day if not more, come home make dinner, bathe my kids, clean my house, do laundry if needed and any sort of training or school work. I don't have or ask for any help. I do what any respectable working mom would do who prides herself on her work ethic. There is just this part of me that still feels like it's not enough especially right now. I have heard through others at work that most expect me to be lazy, use this as an excuse and just do the bare minimum. It sends me over the edge in frustration and anger. THEY DON'T KNOW ME! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF!! I have since the day I knew I was pregnant work just as hard if not harder to show that even though I might be pregnant I cam still as good as I once was if not better. I waited till I couldn't wait anymore to make public that I am because I know how judgemental some of my coworkers could be. I was right. So sad.

Of course I still get the crap about having so many kids ect and that "I don't need anymore" and "Don't you know what causes that?"! i just try to shake it off but still. This pregnancy has had far more problems that I have ever encountered. Not just this stay in the hospital but things I have found out while I was there. I never expected any of this and while it has caught me off guard I have to stay on track and stay focused. Until you know my situation and what is going on it's really no business of any ones how to judge my capabilities. And while yes in a few months this will be over honestly it will not. It will be the start of other issues that have to be dealt with. Things that honestly I am not sure yet I am ready to share and discuss. Things that Chris and I are still trying to mentally prepare for. Yes these are huge "what ifs" But they are still there and still a part of our decision making and life. We pray we get lucky and avoid these uncertain outcomes but only time will tell.

I want this pregnancy to be a happy, wonderful, joyous time. This will be my last time to ever enjoy this wonderful amazing experience. We want to live it to the fullest the best that Chris and I can. I want this to be positive and exciting. We want our family and friends to feel and be the same as us with this. We love this life we have created and are so excited about all we have ahead. We want to share that with everyone and hope they feel the same.

So yes I am not feeling myself and maybe once Chris comes home for the weekend and I have my partner to tag team in for a few days that might help me get back on track. I want to feel me again and be the person I was. I know I will just need to be patient with myself and know soon she will be back.