Conquering fears

I think the tears are starting to well up even before I start this entry. Today was so special yet so simple. Words can't really explain so I am going to post a TON of pictures. Some of the main things that happened today are: 1) We took our ASD child to a water park, it was small but a place full of water 2) Our ASD child had the most fun I have seen him had in a long time 3) My 8 year old who is fearful of just about anything conquered her own big fears those are slides and diving boards 4) we avoided a trip to the ER ( the past two summers on any fun family outing I manage to get stung by a bee without my epi pen and land in the hospital) We had a few close calls but made it out safe!

This family has been through hell this summer and even though things have been tough Chris and I realized we had to do something. I can't have these kids memories filled with sadness. So last night Chris said we should go for the water park and just do it! We figured with the cheap entry fee, and the ability to bring our own food we could honestly pull this off. If you have ever been to Hurricane Harbor or big water parkers you know those fees quickly rise all in all we spent well less than that and I think had more fun than a big overcrowded water park. 

That bright pink spec on the diving board is Ella jumping!

He enjoyed bouncing up and down in the water!

After lots of attempts he finally decided to go down the waterslide on his own just like his big sisters. 

Ella was so scared to do this but the helpful lifeguard told her if she sat up it would make it slower. 

So proud of doing the slide by himself. I think he did this slide another 100 times before we left

He got brave and decided face first was more fun because he could open his mouth and proceed to drink the water as he got to the end of the slide!

This was a fun rope course they had and Ella did it without falling into the water. That kid has incredible upper body strenth

That spec on the board is Hannah doing her big huge cannon ball!

So tired he couldn't even put his water down before he crashed out!

Hannah fell asleep right after this picture and has been out like a light since we got home

Somehow she managed to stay awake the whole ride and is still up as I write this!


So that was our three hour day at the Camp Bowie Family Aquatic Center.  I really had tears of joy as I watched my children just be kids today. They encouraged one another and just had fun being together. Its things like this that make all those struggles worth it.
The manager of the water park was amazing we told her H's situation and she came and checked on us throughout our stay. I had tears in my eyes when I told her thank you for making this day so awesome for us. She made the 1hr and 20 min drive so worth it. She was so sweet and was urging us to come back again and stay longer. Baby steps, baby steps.
So I guess we did get a vacation this summer. Autism took a vacation today and we were a typical family. It was so different and while I enjoyed it I wouldn't change H at all. It was just nice to not have to worry about big crowds and getting lost. The staff was aware of his eloping and you could tell when he was around they took notice. They might have been teenagers but I think some of them took it seriously.
Its 4 hours after we got home and I am still smiling! Is it really Monday tomorrow?

Super Sunday Sync! My first time co hosting a blog hop!

Excited to be co hosting my first blog hop this weekend. I am apparently not as good at this whole blog thing as I thought because man this was crazy for me to figure out! Anyways I am Jamie the mother of 4 wife to 1. I lead a crazy life but love every minute of it. I enjoy burning both ends of the candle while raising our special needs toddler. Some how some way I manage to get it all done well almost all of it. If I don't invite ya into my house just know something that day had to give! Thanks for following me this weekend on the Super Sunday Sync! I hope I get to do this again soon!

Welcome to Super Sunday Sync #45!

Thank you to our wonderful Guest-Hosts this week:

About A Mom

Creative Life Antics

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Taking time to educate

I was asked tonight after a meeting I was at by a lady who had grown children what my son's disability was. She asked in a manner that I knew she knew what it was but instead of being rude and saying "So your kids is Autistic right?" She made it opened to segway her questions and wants for my opinion. I explained to her my son has PDD-NOS a form of Autism along with sensory disorders and auditory disorders. She smiled and nodded politely which left me feeling a tad bit uneasy. I have heard of these scenarios of how welling meaning people come to you and suddenly tell you if I do XYZ then my life will be better, If I just spank him he will snap out of it etc. I braced myself because 1) I had no idea what she was going to say 2) I was at my friends place and I wanted to remain as calm and professional as possible. 

I can be quick to jump to the defensive so I stood calmly and waited for her to go where she was heading with our conversation. My husband was near by and I am pretty sure he was sensing that this could get intense so he walked away with H to go see the horses. Chris doesn't quiet have the filter I do so it's best to let me handle sticky situations such as what I thought we might be encountering. 

Anyways she asked if I had decided to go all organic and gluten free style of eating. I am thinking "Oh lord here it comes my child's diet is about to be the cure for Autism!" I heard her out and when she said that she had heard it can help alter their behaviors etc I suddenly thinking "Ok I can totally work with this." I explained to her how his diet is for the most part limited due to him being picky however we eliminated food dyes and a lot of the processed foods. I buy organic for him when I can but that we are on a tight budget so I can't do the whole gluten friendly stuff quiet yet but hopefully one day I can. For now this is where we are and it seems to be helping us for the time being. 

I think she sort of sensed my tension so we threw in some side conversation and then she double backed and came at me again. This time I was more prepared. Or so I had thought. She asked me if they had a cure for Autism would I want to cure H? A year ago I would have jumped up and down screaming yes yes, oh please please please cure my child! However I have grown accustomed to this lifestyle, this is who Hunter is, He is just as good as any typical developing peer and will be somebody someday regardless of his disability.  

I turned and looked at her and calmly responded "No I don't want to cure my child" She didn't seem quiet prepared for my response. She opened her mouth looked at me and did a double take. When I saw the look on her face I told her "This is who Hunter is, Autism doesn't have Hunter, Hunter has Autism. This is how he was suppose to be. This is what sets him apart from his siblings and his peers. He was put here with a purpose and that as to take this disability and let it know who is boss." 

After a few minutes she still probably couldn't let it sink in that I didn't want to cure my son so she wanted to I guess come at this from another angle. I explained I had four children and that each one was special in their own way. Do I blame myself for anything they might have today? Nope not really. I mean I knew it was a possibility that one or all of my kids could end up with some form of learning disability and or ADD. Did that stop me, of course not. I wanted a family. I could tell she thinking that I was taking offense to her and she was telling me that I should never beat myself up over how any of my children turned out it wasn't my fault. I think clearly I had this lady so confused that she was trying to salvage what was going on. I wasn't irritated with her I was just so curious as to her line and logic of her thinking. She had older children whom she really didn't see often I assume they live with another relative as she stated it had been over a year since seeing them. So I guess she was just curious as to a special needs parent thinks when it comes to this. 

As we wrapped up our conversation she went in for the kill. However I think she was more curious because its such a common misconception and tossed around so often I can't blame her. She asked if I blamed all the immunizations that children are given. I told her out of my 4 fully vaccinated children this was the only child on the spectrum. She said she had read that giving tylonal to a child before shots had also been the case. Well I am not sure then if that is the case how we ended up where we are since I was the mom who always forgot and gave my kids the pain meds AFTER the shots. 

I wanted her to see that not all the research out there is accurate. That it is still very outdated in some respects. There is so much more coming from these big Autism organizations that are helping alleviate those misconceptions and educating the masses. I pointed her to a few good resources to help her better understand that there is so much more to this disability than a diet a child eats or a immunizations a child has. Yes there can be reactions to diet and vaccines but neither one is the direct result of Autism. 

I was proud to really spend time educating someone tonight. I really felt she listened to what I had to say and respected my thoughts and opinions on this matter. I hope I can spend time educating more around me who are not aware of what Autism and all that goes with it is. It is a great and empowering feeling. Something we all know I enjoy every now and then.

Making some noise, taking a stand

I often use my ADD to my advantage sometimes it works others not so much. I do pride myself on my initiative and what I set out to accomplish. I am hard on myself when I never reach those goals however. Earlier this year I really found myself and found myself often burning both ends of the candle. Full time student, teacher, parent, wife and volunteer. I want to do it all I want to leave my mark and leave it loud and clear. So far I think I have.
When I joined Reach for a Difference. (www.reachforadifference.org) I had no idea what to expect. I suddenly found a group of people who might actually appreciate and respect my ideas and thoughts. I suddenly found myself on the fast track to being an action board member. I had ideas and plans that made them excited to have me there. I looked forward to our monthly meetings. I had a few proposals that I am proud of. A city wide child find event to help local families pinpoint needs and services for their children, a dads group for the men to bond and talk about the ASD life and I provided a great guest speaker for one of our meetings. I felt accomplished. 
At the end of last year I was reading via email of a facility that did riding for those is special needs and disabilities. A friend of mine was doing this for her son so I wanted to check it out. I was never able to actually see anything since H wouldn't work with me so finally when our EFMP (Exceptional Family Members Program) hosted an event there I was all over it. That is when we knew riding would be for H. Chris and I got super involved as did Sean. I am now on the board there and helping promote the facility and all it has to offer. I have a lot of support from the folks out there in what I am doing so to know this helps motivate me even more. It might be a million degrees outside but taking my son up there for his sessions once a week is something I won't pass up. I say it builds character ha ha!
After meeting so many friends who had children on the spectrum I came up with an idea to present to them one evening and the Spectrum Connection came to be. It is a FB page set up to help local West Texas families connect, share, get information and set up play dates. It lulled out for a bit but this week I have decided to do my best to bring it back to life. Why? You will see as you read on. 
In April due to my acceleration with school, being on the deans list and now the presidents list, along with my interactions at work and in the community I was awarded Employee of the Quarter for the 7th Bomb Wing. It was a huge deal to me. It has set the bar a bit higher for me and made me set goals that I may not make right away but I hope to. Will I still be hard on myself if I don't reach these goals? Of course I will I know I can do it so I should not settle for anything less. 
Just recently we battled some issues which I have discussed enough so I won't bore with those details. That also had me put things on the back burner for a while. I was starting to feel down on myself and not happy that I have let things slip. I emailed our CEO with Reach and said we should set up a meeting because I need to get things rolling again. The next day I just happened to stumble across something on a page I belong to on FB and ideas started sparking left and right. With the loss of some crucial programs that help military families once/twice a month a lot of people were feeling the pressure escpecially those who have special needs children and are seeking respite care while their spouse is TDY, Deployed or on a remote tour. Even those who have their spouse home and just need that break and meet other parents. I thought about the support group I had for those who had children with ASD. We haven't utilized it as much as we should have and now is the time to strike while the iron is hot. 
I decided to take a deep breath and email our base commander and ask him why we couldn't offer some sort of play group/ respite care to these military families that so needed it. I posted on the spouse pages about what our group was and who would be interested in getting together. I knew there are so many families searching for a place they can go to meet others and just feel like no one is judging. 
As I posted I was shocked at some of these responses. Some were very encouraging a few left me shaking my head wondering why people can't just be happy. I was given grief when I was told that this was just opened to spectrum families since it was for our group etc. I encouraged other families to do the same. I was told I was discriminating. I am not sure how so since I wouldn't want to take my child to a playgroup with cancer patients, Downs or CP. Not that I don't think they are not good enough but because my child has none of those and it makes no sense. I want to be around other families who know what I am going through. I was starting to actually feel more powerful because the people who stood behind me really made it known and wanted to support me and help me. Fantastic!
I emailed the commander and said a special needs respite/ play group would be great but I would want other families to step up to help promote this but for now since Autism is a prevalent disability at this base it would be ideal to hone in on this and do what we can to get the ball rolling. I was ecstatic to see the response. I had those nay sayers telling me he will laugh at me and tell me with the state of our budget this would not happen. I was told that he would tell me to go off on my own and do this. However the response I got shocked many including myself!

Jamie -

Thank you for thinking about how to better serve our families at Dyess.  I applaud your initiative to volunteer to organize a playgroup/care type event for families with special needs children.

Your suggestion to use the Hangar Center is a good one, and there may be a couple other facilities that would work well, too.  I'll have my force support team research the options, and I'll get back to you early next week.

Again, thank you for your suggestion and willingness to help --

Sincerely,

Glen VanHerck

GLEN D. VANHERCK, COL, USAF

Commander, 7th Bomb Wing

So this is now my motivation and my drive to do this. Several higher ups had this email sent to them, they are now looking into ways to make this possible. I am hopeful and encouraged to help these families. I am looking at talking with a few people on what it would actually take to launch this program and how soon it would be able to launch. 

To those who doubted me I am not going to let you get me down. I am strong and I am a fighter. I will do what I can do make a difference and to help others. I feel its what I need to do since so many have come forward to help us. Some times taking a stand and voicing your ideas is all it takes to make that small rippled that can make a very large effect. 

Independence

in·de·pen·dence- the quality or state of being independent

free·dom  the quality or state of being free

Those are two words that hold a huge meaning to our family right now. The week we celebrated a nation's freedom and independence, which to me a is big important celebration. This week though as a family we had our own freedom and independence to celebrate. I honestly am not sure I am going to be able to put into words what these last four days have meant to me. So what I can't put into words I will post in pictures. 
Wednesday even started my nice four day weekend. At the last minute we decided to go with Mrs. Tammie over by the zoo to catch the annual firework show. We grabbed some pizzas and drinks loaded up our trucks and headed out to have fun. The show started and H was full of anxiety. We tried to keep him outside but he was so unhappy. So he sat in the truck, in his car seat, facing the opposite way. It was a spectacular show regardless. 

Thursday we prepared for our evening at some friends house. They usually hold big parties on the holidays so we knew what to expect. They are very aware of H and his needs so they are always very accommodating. We packed up our goodies to head over. The kids swam, ran around and had a great time. As soon as it was dark it was another round of big booms and bright colors. This time H stayed out in his chair for about 5 or 10 minutes before it just became chaos for him. Thankfully Tara was around and got a DVD set up for him in the house so he could watch Cars and we could continue in our festivities. 

 

Friday!!!! Happy 11th birthday Hannah! Today was probably the most fun out of our whole vacation. Hannah had her friend Meghan over for some girl fun. They painted their nails and spent time just having fun doing what preteen girls do best. We did a bit of swimming, baked a cookie cake and I pampered the girls a bit. Once Meghan left we headed out to the stables briefly to help out and then decided to head out to Clyde Lake Park to their festival. The band we like Belle Plaine Revival was playing that evening and they had fireworks so we loaded up the kiddos and headed out. It was nice to get away for a bit and let the kids have a play to run around. It wasn't that packed and it was just the right amount of things to do. We walked by the lake, ate some great food, listened to music and watched the fireworks. Tonight H sat back in his stroller and enjoyed them while he kept his headphones on. Hey progress is progress. 

 Yesterday it hit me. Yes we won't go on some big family vacation anytime soon but this was a vacation for us. This was our getaway. This was our freedom that we had been wanting for sometime now. H was doing so much better than we expected and we really capitalized on that. We had gained this sense of independence from what our normal was. We had done so many things the last few days we hadn't done ever or in a long time. It was so wonderful to go out as a family and just let loose and have fun. We didn't worry about Autism or the things that went with it. We refused to let it hold us back this week. We were not reckless but we just decided to let go a bit and know that we can't let Autism control this family. We were out by water, open fields and crowds all things that can set off meltdowns, eloping and craziness. H was calm for the most part and took it the change of scenery with ease. He actually enjoyed sitting in his stroller. He were calm and relaxed and that made him calm and relaxed.
We let the kids go in the lake yesterday and H really didn't want to get in it. Sort of a relief actually. We spent the entire evening walking around walking out on sandbars, playing, snacking and skipping rocks. I taught the girls how to skip rocks last night. H even wanted to do it. I sat by the lake with my kids without a care in the world and threw rocks in the water and it was like I had taken my kids to Disney World. They were excited and laughing, running around and having a blast. There was no fighting just fun pure relaxing fun. It made my heart smile. I really didn't want to see the evening end. I didn't want this weekend to end. Its been ages since we really did things like this as a family.
We sat around and ate our dinner that we packed. We had a nice little picnic. We made s'mores well non cooked s'mores. The kids enjoyed the treat. The fireworks started and H calmly sat there and watched his ipad. No crying or getting anxious he rolled with it. With about 7/10 minutes left in the display Chris calmly got my attention in turn got the girls attention. We looked over and low and behold his headphones were off. His hands slightly covering his ears but he watched intently. I jumped up grabbed my phone and started snapping pictures. This was HUGE!!! No one drew attention to it and as the finale came we held our breath. He covered his ears with his hands but as soon as it was done we cheered! Not for the fireworks but for H! He did it! He overcame a fear an anxiety that really set him over the edge. H was cheering but I think it was because everyone else was cheering. It was at that moment I realized we don't need therapy to make these huge transformations or money we don't have we just need our own measures and persistence to get it done. We created major transformations in our child this weekend at little to no cost to us and we enjoyed it as a family.
This was our independence day our day to celebrate our freedom from Autism and all that comes with it. This was our big hoora that we will continue to celebrate for years to come. Independence Day takes on a whole new meaning for this family!

Counting my blessings and being thankful for life.

10 days ago I wrote a post about failing. Several told me I didn't fail that we just hit tough times and that it would all get better. I still feel like I failed but it did start to get better. Why do I feel like I failed? I feel like I failed because honestly I shouldn't have to count on others to help my family when we reach a point that there could be no return. However I am so thankful for these people. Some were great friends and others complete strangers that came to our aide in our biggest time of need.
How did the help you might ask? A complete and total angel went to take care of the remainder of our rent that was past due. Anther angel gave us money to help us get ahead on the next months rent. A great friend helped us cover the cost of the girls to go to the youth center so that they could come spend the summer out here with us and let us be a family. Three amazing friends filled our house with essentials and groceries and with the excess I have I am paying it forward to help a very special family who is also in need right now. And last but not least those who made donations of money, diapers and wipes. We are so excited about how many diapers we have at this point because we all know H is not going to be wearing underwear anytime soon.
For those things I am counting my blessings. I know that there are still wonderful people in this world who really know how to step it up in time of need. To those who are wondering how we are able to get things like Tennis and a birthday party and a few other extras right now, no we are not squandering away the money we are using what the money was given to us for and making things happen for our family. The tennis is for H and its for kids on the spectrum. This will help with turn taking, hand eye coordination, following directions and peer/social interactions. Its a small group setting but still its a starting place. We can't leave H out in the cold with no way to celebrate his birthday so we have been given help to make sure he has a party. Thank goodness for cheap venues and great people. He will be doing gymnastics for this years party so we are super excited about that.
Last week was and even part of this week has been very trying for not only just myself but for the family. We got devastating news Wednesday afternoon about a coworker/friend. While we all hoped and prayed for the best it just sadly wasn't meant to be. She left this earth early Saturday morning after they established there was no brain activity and nothing more they could do for her. She left behind three beautiful children and several children she has fostered over the years. It was truly hear breaking to hear and still hard to comprehend.
Michelle was a huge advocate and supporter for our family since last year. She gave me many avenues and resources to help myself and my son while we endured this crazy adventure we embarked on. I usually would spend time in her office twice a week if not more discussing progress, antics, frustrations and accomplishments. I would listen to hers. She was a single mom dealing with two children under the age of 5 with their own set of special needs plus a teenage son. She was a saint! We often joked our kids were two peas in a pod. H would learn from her youngest daughter. I would always ask for the answers before H even attempted the things her daughter would do. I cherish that bond we had as not only her being my supervisor and coworker but my mentor and friend. She was suppose to join us at our ARD meeting the 17th of July. I know she will be there in spirit guiding these fine folks who will evaluate H in making the right choice for him and our family.
The other huge loss we suffered this week was the horse H has been riding since November. There have been countless pictures and posts about H and his horse Slurpee. The big, giant, 21 yr old 16 hand tall horse that H loved more than anything. Last week Slurpee fell ill with what we thought was colic. We spent a few hours by his side at the stables all the meanwhile H was laying right there over him rubbing his belly kissing him and telling him he would make him all better. It broke our hearts to hear it but made my heart swell with pride to see him show such compassion when he has really never done that before.  The following morning he was taken to the vet. Saturday evening we thought he was taking a turn for the better. Sunday the vet said if he saw no progress by morning he would have no choice but to put him down. We all prayed, we prayed and begged for a miracle. How could we suffer another blow this week?! Sadly around 10am Monday Slurpee crossed the rainbow bridge. I felt so angry and let down. We still hadn't told him about Michelle and now we have to explain to him Slurpee.
Monday after tennis we took a trip over to TLC and started the process of explaining how Slurpee would not be here anymore and he would have to ride another horse. At first he insisted upon his horse we left with him agreeing to ride Tiny. I was good with that since it was the only horse that had the complete opposite features and coloring of Slurpee. However that plan backfired when I realized he was used by another child. We rode Sheeza the horse that could have passed for Slurpee's twin. While at first we thought this was great it ended up confusing him and now he things Slurpee is back and that death is not actually final because well in his mind Sheeza is Slurpee. Sigh.
They say bad things happen in three and I am sure hoping those are our three. I know we are never given more than we can handle but I feel in this case it was way more than we could handle, however we overcame it all. We are picking up the pieces moving on, making new paths, taking on new challenges. It is time to put our focus on the things we have coming up. Our biggest is the meeting on the 17th. Our other big focus is the girls and enjoying and making the most of the time I have with them here.
We are so blessed right now we are so grateful for the life we have. It could be worse and we could have ended up in a much more different situation but we didn't. We were given the chance to take this as a learning experience and make sure we make the most of what we are given. We might not ever get that second chance again.

I failed

The last 5 days have been a grueling hell for our family. I hate writing about financial stuff but truly right now this is the burden that has overruled our family and caused so many things to come to a screeching halt for us. If ever there was a time to feel that the world was out to get us and the deck was most certainly stacked against us its right now. We haven't shared too much simply because we don't want pity and those to feel sorry for us. I figured I would share the story after we had gotten our news so that way it wouldn't seem like everything was centered around this event.

I guess for it all to make sense giving the backstory of what is going on might be in order. Its stupid and complicated so I am going to give it up in a short summary so that we can move on. Two years ago Chris medically separated from the military. We were left with a nice chunk of change but we got stupid, well sort of. We bought a much needed second car, took a few too many trips I guess back and forth to Dallas, I stayed home, I bought myself some clothes, you get the point. Fast forward a year and its weeks before Christmas. Chris' ex wife suddenly decides to reveal her whereabouts over the last year and now wants Chris to pay up. Mind you we tried but the previous state she had lived in sent it back saying return to sender, she does not live here, her case is closed. Leaving no forwarding info or contact information we assumed she took off and wanted to sever ties. WRONG. Chris suddenly owed over a years worth of child support. To sum it up no tax returns and about 70% of his wages are now garnished until well the state allows him to dispute it which is 3 years. Hop forward to this spring and the VA decides to throw some big roadblocks in our path and now suddenly our housing money is being cut off. They want US to pay THEM back 1082.00!

Throw in all of H's expenses and it really is enough to make one's head spin. I mean the stack of medical bills are 99% his. We joke about him being the million dollar baby but man if you total up his expenses from birth in the NICU until right now I wouldn't doubt it. I have not had the pleasure of a special needs child until just recently so I now see how all these families go into debt etc from this life.

So you see everyone wants to test the theory of squeezing blood from a turnip. Of course that means robbing Peter to pay Paul but after robbing Peter so many times it burned us. Twisting our budget a million ways still had left us short, too short for comfort. However up until this point we were ok. We might have paid rent a bit late but we managed to get our bills paid before services got disconnected. However the whole robbing Peter to pay Paul has come back to haunt us now. We put off some debt we thought we could ignore and now it's hit us again and took a toll on Chris' paycheck. Simply put teenagers working fast food joints and those who wait tables literally make more than Chris does each paycheck.

In a sheer state of panic last Wednesday I realized that our housing money might not be coming back for a while and started to fill out their form to explain the reasons why we could not pay them back the money they say we owe them. That night it hit us we are really about to lose it all. Chris grabbed a box and proceeded to pack a few draws of our china hutch. My heart sank. I submitted my resume to local preschools back in Dallas. I have to find a way to prepare myself if this is how it must go.

The following morning I began my quest of trying to get us out of this hole. I stuck a deal with our electric stating I could pay 50.00 on Friday and the rest the next week. Praying that we would have some sort of help by the 20th. I went to the leasing office and explained the story taking documentation to prove I wasn't a low life slacker who wanted something for nothing. I also divulged that we have gone without eating to conserve food so that the kids could have it when they are here and that H has something to eat each night. I wasn't lying. Chris and I had not eaten dinner in nights. I ate at work because the meals are free since I eat with the kids in my room. Otherwise I just drank a lot of water or lemonade to keep my feeling "full"

Thursday evening I got a burst of hope that maybe just maybe things would work out. The leasing office pooled their money together and bought us some groceries even dog food. It wasn't much be still enough to make a huge difference. A friend dropped off toiletries and cleaning supplies things that we needed. Two friends made a donation on H's fundraiser page. I suddenly had hope for humanity. I had hope for us.

Monday I managed with a sick kid and all to round up every financial detail needed to head over to the Salvation Army. I was told the lady was out and to come back today. I was down but not out. I took the last 450.00 out of our account and gave it to the apt in good faith that we would find a way to get them the rest. I was losing time and resources fast. Every church I called was out of money or could not help us in the way we needed it. It was suddenly like a nail biting baseball game. Bottom of the 9th bases loaded 2 outs and you have one more chance to make or break this situation. Game was called however on the account of rain only to resume the following morning. It was enough time for me to just try and come up with one last plan.

Here it is Tuesday and for some reason I thought this was our day. I had worked so hard to get everything we needed, collect info and make the calls necessary for us to keep doing what we needed to do. I prayed like I have never prayed before, I prayed that this game was not going to be over. It couldn't I had worked so hard to get us this far how on earth could we lose it all. We always have come out on top so why should this time be any different. They just want to see us sweat thats all. Right?

With a giant folder in hand I grabbed my cranky child's hand and walked through the doors of the Salvation Army. 7 people were ahead of us and I prayed again this would go quick. This was not an outing I wanted to take my Autistic child on but with him having a fever I had no choice. After an hour of waiting our names were called. I had no idea in 30 seconds this game was going to come to an end. For those of you cheering for the underdog, thank you. However bottom of the 9th bases loaded 2 outs and a tied score we lost. It was like the grand slam of losing. Salvation Army was unable to help us because we pay more than the fair market share for our place.

My heart was heavy, my stomach in knots as I drove to the office to tell them of our news. Our landlords like I have said have been amazing through this. I hated to have to tell them that this was it. I walked in and apologized over and over. I failed. I let them down. I let myself down and worst of all I let my family down.

I don't fail. I hate to fail. I was a failure as a child never doing well in school, never doing well as a daughter and sister. I thought I was making up for it now in adulthood but I sadly was not. I had to utter the words I hated the most "I failed, I am sorry".

You might be asking "What now?" I don't know and I will be honest. It is in the hands of my landlord. It is in the hands of God. What is to become of this family is no longer mine to figure out. The only glimmer of hope I hold at the moment as that we MIGHT have qualified for food stamps and MIGHT qualify for medical insurance. I won't get my hopes up but that lady on the phone was an angel! She gave me information to help Chris and to help us maybe at least keep our electric going. She has become our saviour for now.

 I just pray that her next phone call before this day is over is something of good news however I am living by the motto "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best." Sounds sort of negative and corny but honestly I feel if I am more prepared for failure and let downs it makes the best outcomes even more enjoyable. So please say a quick prayer for us as we hope that we hear some sort of good news before this day is over.