If someone would have asked me a year ago if I would stay out in Abilene on my own free will without the military tying us to this place I would have said HELL NO! I am not so emphatic on that hell no now. I mean yes it is hard to be away from my older babies but they are doing fantastic. All three of them are doing very well in school and making lots of friends. I see them pretty often so I am adjusting to the change more. My answer has changed more because I have opened myself up more to acclimating to this life. I am really liking my new job. There are a lot more challenges with it than I am accustomed to when it comes to that type of setting. I have made a big group of friends. I have some great aquantiences and some really great super close friends who I enjoy being able to spend time with. Some of those great friends have already moved away but we are still in contact and I look at it now as a new place to go and visit.
A lot of people have suggested we get out of here. That this town is of full of military memories that it will just make life harder for us. Honestly he has 14 years of memories moving is not going to erase them. I also opted just to not pick up and move with no real game plan in mind. Yes our goal is to get back to Dallas but that is very hard when you don't have a job lined up, a place to live and the financial means at the moment to do so. Granted in the fall we probably could have don this but I was in school and Chris knows how hard I am working to finish my degree. Plus we have a lease that we need to be responsible with. A lot of times people don't look at the big picture and just look at the immediate gratification from a situation. It is hard to make those around me often understand exactly what all would go int our moving. To answer the burning question yes we will be home to Dallas when though is still up in the air. I am so close to finishing my degree, Chris is going to school, we love our work with the Potosi VFD, and he and I both have a job we enjoy for now.
There have been a lot of life altering discussions taking place at the moment. Only a few have been previe to at this time. I am making it clear that I am whole heartedly supporting this and will help Chris see this opportunity through. This is my job as his wife and friend to be his biggest supporter even when the odds are stacked against us. I am his realist when we know that when it comes down to it that the big calls have to be made. Even if I have an inkling of a doubt in my mind I will still support him so that way he can in the end turn around and say that I tried and did my very best. I never want him to look back with regrets on anything he has done in his life.
These next few months are filled with big, busy plans. I am excited to see the kids for a week for their Spring Break. I am trying to put some fun activities together for them but also get them out to meet more kids around here so when the summer comes they have peers their own age to hang out with. We have weddings to attend, fun friendly get togethers with some great people out here.
I will say it I am shocked I lasted out here this long. The first few months last year where the hardest by far. I spent this morning looking back at what I was doing this time last year and the year before. This time last year I was spending most of my time in the house with H doing a lot of nothing. I had not started work yet and only had 2 friends. I was struggling to stay positive and questioned often if my choice of moving was the best idea. This time two years ago Chris and I where married. I can't believe two years went so fast. I put up a picture of our wedding photo and decided to scroll through the album. Seeing so happy and in love really brought back some wonderful memories of that day. It made me think about how happy and in love we really where and how much we had put into this relationship to make it get that far.
So yes we are still here and really just not going anywhere for now. We have our feet firmly planted in Abilene unless these new life plans tell us differently. We have our sights set on what we want and we hope to see those come to be in the next year. By this time next year I am hoping that what Chris has set out to do is accomplished and underway, I hope to see myself graduating with my associates degree, I hope to see us making our way back to where we started from and building a life with our entire family. For now we are just going to focus on this path we are on and know what we are doing should have big pay offs in the end.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
On your mark, get set, WHOA!
Happy belated New Years to all my friends and family. 2011 came and went so fast I see it as almost a blur. Things are going to be so different this year in 2012. I am starting a job at the Dyess AFB CDC. This is sort of a big deal for me as I have never been a real government employee and this time at this job the stakes are just a little higher. This will be Chris' first entire year as a civilian. There are no real military ties for him anymore just an ID card that is it. Heck as of Feb. we no longer have our military ins. coverage. H is entering into more of toddlerhood now and seeing life through his eyes is so exciting and fun.
The next few months are really going to put our lives to the test. While most of my friends are preparing their husbands to deploy to far away lands mine is preparing to take on a whole new level of his life. He has fully thrown himself into school. He will take EMT classes complete with clinicals and all along with taking full time classes at Cisco Jr. College. Oh did I mention he is still working between 25-30 hours a week and fulfilling his volunteer obligations to Potosi VFD? Over committed much?! I will be taking 9 hours of school this semester and working at the CDC. I should only be working between 20-30 hours a week but still that will keep me busy.
I sort feel like this is a race we are about to enter. Honestly I have done nothing really to prepare for this almost marathon we are about to hit all I know is that I am suppose to start out slow and pace myself. Of course I look at Chis and he has thrown all caution to the wind and has full force jumped into this race. I have always liked to ease into things maybe I should take a cue from my husband and just jump right in. I am a worrier I place so much logic into everything. I am a planner I want to make sure everything is covered and well thought out. I guess in all the time I worry about that the race is going on right past me and I am even further behind then when I started.
I mentioned my friends are all dealing with deployments or even PSCing (moving to another base) now. Oddly I feel sort of left out. Crazy right?? I feel sort of like I have nothing to offer anymore because I am not one of them. By that I mean I am no longer a military wife. What could I possibly bring to the table now because I am just a regular old civilian wife again. But even through this discouragement I will be there even though I can't say I know what your going through I can say hey let me help you with what you are going through. Two of my dearest friends are about to move one is PSCing to Guam so its not like its anywhere remotely close to go and visit! The other is moving to Oklahoma. I guess in their case its not really PSCing because in March he will no longer be active duty. Tomorrow she heads off to begin a new journey with her family and I wish them the best of luck. At least Oklahoma is closer than Guam!
This week we faced a big decision with H. For almost a year now H has been with the same school. We love his teachers and we love his school. Sadly his school is about 40 min round trip and with my schedule that could effect the amount of hours I get. Chris and I sat down Thursday night and really took a good long hard look at tuition cost along with just what would be best. It pained me to admit that yes, moving him was for the best. We took a tour on Friday I was hoping somewhere between tuition and their policies or teaching methods we would find flaws and say "oh well this isn't for us" but we didn't. The tuition was going to be almost half of what we pay now, They are such skilled and certified teachers they are given so many resources to help with just about any child and or their issues, and there policies are that of any other normal child care facility so I really could not find an issue with it. H seemed intrigued by the new school and the giant classrooms filled with amazing learning tools. I am sure he will fit right in. He starts the 23rd.
It really sucks being on the low end of the totum pole. I have had so many years experience working with children and teaching it is hard to just sit back and be an observer and just have to be the "extra" in the room. I am trying not to let it get me down and frustrate me but I guess its the type of person I am. This is not like any preschool I have ever taught at before so it blows my mind to see how intense this place is. We have two directors, 3 front desk staff all assigned to various tasks even to dispense medication! Two on site trainers who ensure our 24 training hours a year, help us set goals, do debriefings to better ourselves and our room and the real gem is a on site full time cleaning crew! So Friday I was pulled into the trainers office to go over my observation sheet. Oh ya your first few days you just go into each age group and observe you can interact but you can not count in ratio or anything you are just sort of an extra body. Anyways she asked what my goal would be for the month. I had some big one in mind ones I knew where not possible yet because oh ya you can not be alone in a room without security clearance and finger prints that takes another 4-6 months to get! I wanted to be placed in a room, I wanted to become familiar with their curriculum, to get some training modules done I mean I was aiming high. She was like well we start off small like learning the children's names and the teachers names. I for what ever reason just suddenly felt like all the air was leaving me. Wow really come on I have been doing this for years this is a goal for a noobie not a qualified CY3 teacher! But that is when it hit me that I am really starting from scratch and that these ladies have a lot on me and I have some serious catching up to do! Competitive much?!
Chris and I both start school this week. I am interested to see how taking 3 classes instead of 1 this time will work. I am trying to upload the syllabus so I can get started apparently this place is not up for overachievers because I still can not accesses it! With the both of us starting school and work I sort of feel empty now. I will admit the last 3 months of being home have been nice. I could spend more time with Chris and H and the kids but now everything is more structured. I felt before I had this one up I was ahead of the game because I had the best of both worlds and now I just feel even. I have been slightly closed off because I am trying not to think of the lack of time I will now have with him and the rest of my family. I have to sort of keep these comments to myself because what I am dealing with is peanuts compared to my friends right now. Hey mine might be gone all day and over commit himself but at the end of the day he is still in the same country heck zip code as myself.
We have this saying lately that we talk about when we have to endure these things we hate we say "its time to put our big girl panties on." I have them I see them sitting there but its just easier to say "I hate this and its not fair!" But for the sake of my friends and since they are doing so can I, I will reach down and put those big girl panties on because honestly I am a big girl.
Spring break will of course be here before we know it and I am excited to know my kids will be here for the week. I have put in for leave so I am hoping that being the noobie I won't be overlooked. I am trying to plan some fun stuff for us to do. Besides I am sure by this point I will really be wanting/needing a break. When I start looking ahead to things like that, my sisters upcoming wedding, birthdays, and other events it really makes the year seem to go by faster. I mean heck I got to start making plans for the summer for the kids. And to answer the question No I will not be taking summer classes! My goal is to just work and have the kids no other sort of interruptions because I have a feeling by then I will be more of the full time set to a classroom status.
I guess for now that is it. I have a race to run and I don't want to be left behind. While things seem overwhelming I know I just have to put it all into perspective. As an adult life goes faster, things get crazier, and of course more complicated. But that is why it waits until we are adults because I guess we are better equipped to handle it! Well I guess in all reality we are suppose to.
The next few months are really going to put our lives to the test. While most of my friends are preparing their husbands to deploy to far away lands mine is preparing to take on a whole new level of his life. He has fully thrown himself into school. He will take EMT classes complete with clinicals and all along with taking full time classes at Cisco Jr. College. Oh did I mention he is still working between 25-30 hours a week and fulfilling his volunteer obligations to Potosi VFD? Over committed much?! I will be taking 9 hours of school this semester and working at the CDC. I should only be working between 20-30 hours a week but still that will keep me busy.
I sort feel like this is a race we are about to enter. Honestly I have done nothing really to prepare for this almost marathon we are about to hit all I know is that I am suppose to start out slow and pace myself. Of course I look at Chis and he has thrown all caution to the wind and has full force jumped into this race. I have always liked to ease into things maybe I should take a cue from my husband and just jump right in. I am a worrier I place so much logic into everything. I am a planner I want to make sure everything is covered and well thought out. I guess in all the time I worry about that the race is going on right past me and I am even further behind then when I started.
I mentioned my friends are all dealing with deployments or even PSCing (moving to another base) now. Oddly I feel sort of left out. Crazy right?? I feel sort of like I have nothing to offer anymore because I am not one of them. By that I mean I am no longer a military wife. What could I possibly bring to the table now because I am just a regular old civilian wife again. But even through this discouragement I will be there even though I can't say I know what your going through I can say hey let me help you with what you are going through. Two of my dearest friends are about to move one is PSCing to Guam so its not like its anywhere remotely close to go and visit! The other is moving to Oklahoma. I guess in their case its not really PSCing because in March he will no longer be active duty. Tomorrow she heads off to begin a new journey with her family and I wish them the best of luck. At least Oklahoma is closer than Guam!
This week we faced a big decision with H. For almost a year now H has been with the same school. We love his teachers and we love his school. Sadly his school is about 40 min round trip and with my schedule that could effect the amount of hours I get. Chris and I sat down Thursday night and really took a good long hard look at tuition cost along with just what would be best. It pained me to admit that yes, moving him was for the best. We took a tour on Friday I was hoping somewhere between tuition and their policies or teaching methods we would find flaws and say "oh well this isn't for us" but we didn't. The tuition was going to be almost half of what we pay now, They are such skilled and certified teachers they are given so many resources to help with just about any child and or their issues, and there policies are that of any other normal child care facility so I really could not find an issue with it. H seemed intrigued by the new school and the giant classrooms filled with amazing learning tools. I am sure he will fit right in. He starts the 23rd.
It really sucks being on the low end of the totum pole. I have had so many years experience working with children and teaching it is hard to just sit back and be an observer and just have to be the "extra" in the room. I am trying not to let it get me down and frustrate me but I guess its the type of person I am. This is not like any preschool I have ever taught at before so it blows my mind to see how intense this place is. We have two directors, 3 front desk staff all assigned to various tasks even to dispense medication! Two on site trainers who ensure our 24 training hours a year, help us set goals, do debriefings to better ourselves and our room and the real gem is a on site full time cleaning crew! So Friday I was pulled into the trainers office to go over my observation sheet. Oh ya your first few days you just go into each age group and observe you can interact but you can not count in ratio or anything you are just sort of an extra body. Anyways she asked what my goal would be for the month. I had some big one in mind ones I knew where not possible yet because oh ya you can not be alone in a room without security clearance and finger prints that takes another 4-6 months to get! I wanted to be placed in a room, I wanted to become familiar with their curriculum, to get some training modules done I mean I was aiming high. She was like well we start off small like learning the children's names and the teachers names. I for what ever reason just suddenly felt like all the air was leaving me. Wow really come on I have been doing this for years this is a goal for a noobie not a qualified CY3 teacher! But that is when it hit me that I am really starting from scratch and that these ladies have a lot on me and I have some serious catching up to do! Competitive much?!
Chris and I both start school this week. I am interested to see how taking 3 classes instead of 1 this time will work. I am trying to upload the syllabus so I can get started apparently this place is not up for overachievers because I still can not accesses it! With the both of us starting school and work I sort of feel empty now. I will admit the last 3 months of being home have been nice. I could spend more time with Chris and H and the kids but now everything is more structured. I felt before I had this one up I was ahead of the game because I had the best of both worlds and now I just feel even. I have been slightly closed off because I am trying not to think of the lack of time I will now have with him and the rest of my family. I have to sort of keep these comments to myself because what I am dealing with is peanuts compared to my friends right now. Hey mine might be gone all day and over commit himself but at the end of the day he is still in the same country heck zip code as myself.
We have this saying lately that we talk about when we have to endure these things we hate we say "its time to put our big girl panties on." I have them I see them sitting there but its just easier to say "I hate this and its not fair!" But for the sake of my friends and since they are doing so can I, I will reach down and put those big girl panties on because honestly I am a big girl.
Spring break will of course be here before we know it and I am excited to know my kids will be here for the week. I have put in for leave so I am hoping that being the noobie I won't be overlooked. I am trying to plan some fun stuff for us to do. Besides I am sure by this point I will really be wanting/needing a break. When I start looking ahead to things like that, my sisters upcoming wedding, birthdays, and other events it really makes the year seem to go by faster. I mean heck I got to start making plans for the summer for the kids. And to answer the question No I will not be taking summer classes! My goal is to just work and have the kids no other sort of interruptions because I have a feeling by then I will be more of the full time set to a classroom status.
I guess for now that is it. I have a race to run and I don't want to be left behind. While things seem overwhelming I know I just have to put it all into perspective. As an adult life goes faster, things get crazier, and of course more complicated. But that is why it waits until we are adults because I guess we are better equipped to handle it! Well I guess in all reality we are suppose to.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Out of the mouths of babes
About 2 weeks ago my dear friend Christina shared with us some wonderful news. This year for Christmas she was able to placed on the UNOS list for a lung transplant. This has been a long time coming for her so I was thrilled. We have been praying for this for her for a while now. At the time my children were in the car with me while I was on the phone with her congratulating her on this awesome news. I told her I could not wait to help her raise money and do fund raisers with her. A short time later the conversation ended.
A while later driving down the road both of my girls proceeded to ask about Christina's situation. The kids had spent time over at her house this summer on the 4th of July and really enjoyed spending time with her and her kids. They also can not stop talking the goodies she made (wait well all talk about all the goodies she makes!) but then they also asked about her lungs. They had over heard the conversation and are curious on how she has been doing. My kids are compassionate like that. They like to keep up to date on how friends and family are doing that are sick and ill. I explained the situation of what she has been through and how we are so excited that now she is on a list to get new lungs.
After a short time of explaining the situation Ella's voice from the back seat asks.. " mommy how does she get her new lungs?" Ugh thinking to myself I was hoping they wouldn't ask because I really didn't want to have to tell them that someone has to die in order for her to keep living. I took a deep breath and as I was about to respond she decided to try and answer her own question. And this is why I love children's logic. The logic the kids come up with for how situations should happen and play out are just to cute but sometimes some of the best ideas.
Ella had in just this short time to come up with that there must be a giant store where all sorts of, in her words, "body parts" are kept. And that anytime someone gets really sick they just go to the store or send their doctor to the store to help them find the new parts they need. So since Mrs. Christina needs new lungs she can send the doctors to the store and find her the perfect set. Ahhhh if it was only so easy. Wouldn't it be nice if you needed a new heart, lung or kidney to just stop off at the store while picking up a gallon of milk and grab the organ that you needed?
Hannah agreed this had to be the way it worked because well how else would one get a new organ. Both girls got quiet and I could feel their eyes on me as the car got sort of quiet. They wanted a response a justification to the scenario they had given me. I took that deep breath again and said that while I think its a great idea we had a special store to have these things for people who are very sick and need them its just not how it works. I explained how much goes into the process of finding someone the new organ(s) that they need. I explained the testing, and how afterwards in order to keep that new organ healthy the person has to take meds to keep it working properly and take really good care of themselves. I was hoping this answer would suffice because I just didn't know if talking about the entire process would be to much for them to handle. I mean they are after all kids and we as parents want to keep them sheltered and protected from the bad things in life. Not that a transplant is bad but they way my dear friend will have to get one is just sad. Someone has to a lose a life for hers to continue on.
A moment of silence went past and Ella spoke up again. She said "well if there is no store mommy how does Mrs. Christina get her lungs?" I took a second and gather just exactly how to reply. I just went for it. I reminded them of how Uncle Alex died and how sometimes people get sick and don't wake up etc. The girls understood that so I decided to just go for it. I figured worse case we get Mrs. Christina on the phone and she can do some answering! I told them that some people when they die want to have all their viable organs donated to those who need them. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw some mighty big eyes along with some perplexed faces. I told them that even though they are dead they can really help so many people who really need them. I asked them both "honestly what will you need with your organs when you are no longer living?" They both said nothing since we don't do anything when we are dead.
The girls actually did much better with the explanation than I thought. Phew I was off the hook on this one. As we pulled into the parking lot at the shopping center Ella looks over to the strip mall looks over at me and says " I really like the idea of a store better." I told her I loved the idea of that but until modern medicine can create organs out of thin air this is how it has to work. She seemed content with that answer. Thank goodness but honestly I love hearing things out of the mouths of babes.
I would just like to add though for those interested in following my friend Christina Kupers story I have attached her FB page to here. There will be a few fundraisers to help her cover the cost of these wonderful new gifts she will be recieving. For those who would like more information please feel free to contact her or myself!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/177754992274148/#!/pages/Funds-for-Lungs/311168732250959
A while later driving down the road both of my girls proceeded to ask about Christina's situation. The kids had spent time over at her house this summer on the 4th of July and really enjoyed spending time with her and her kids. They also can not stop talking the goodies she made (wait well all talk about all the goodies she makes!) but then they also asked about her lungs. They had over heard the conversation and are curious on how she has been doing. My kids are compassionate like that. They like to keep up to date on how friends and family are doing that are sick and ill. I explained the situation of what she has been through and how we are so excited that now she is on a list to get new lungs.
After a short time of explaining the situation Ella's voice from the back seat asks.. " mommy how does she get her new lungs?" Ugh thinking to myself I was hoping they wouldn't ask because I really didn't want to have to tell them that someone has to die in order for her to keep living. I took a deep breath and as I was about to respond she decided to try and answer her own question. And this is why I love children's logic. The logic the kids come up with for how situations should happen and play out are just to cute but sometimes some of the best ideas.
Ella had in just this short time to come up with that there must be a giant store where all sorts of, in her words, "body parts" are kept. And that anytime someone gets really sick they just go to the store or send their doctor to the store to help them find the new parts they need. So since Mrs. Christina needs new lungs she can send the doctors to the store and find her the perfect set. Ahhhh if it was only so easy. Wouldn't it be nice if you needed a new heart, lung or kidney to just stop off at the store while picking up a gallon of milk and grab the organ that you needed?
Hannah agreed this had to be the way it worked because well how else would one get a new organ. Both girls got quiet and I could feel their eyes on me as the car got sort of quiet. They wanted a response a justification to the scenario they had given me. I took that deep breath again and said that while I think its a great idea we had a special store to have these things for people who are very sick and need them its just not how it works. I explained how much goes into the process of finding someone the new organ(s) that they need. I explained the testing, and how afterwards in order to keep that new organ healthy the person has to take meds to keep it working properly and take really good care of themselves. I was hoping this answer would suffice because I just didn't know if talking about the entire process would be to much for them to handle. I mean they are after all kids and we as parents want to keep them sheltered and protected from the bad things in life. Not that a transplant is bad but they way my dear friend will have to get one is just sad. Someone has to a lose a life for hers to continue on.
A moment of silence went past and Ella spoke up again. She said "well if there is no store mommy how does Mrs. Christina get her lungs?" I took a second and gather just exactly how to reply. I just went for it. I reminded them of how Uncle Alex died and how sometimes people get sick and don't wake up etc. The girls understood that so I decided to just go for it. I figured worse case we get Mrs. Christina on the phone and she can do some answering! I told them that some people when they die want to have all their viable organs donated to those who need them. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw some mighty big eyes along with some perplexed faces. I told them that even though they are dead they can really help so many people who really need them. I asked them both "honestly what will you need with your organs when you are no longer living?" They both said nothing since we don't do anything when we are dead.
The girls actually did much better with the explanation than I thought. Phew I was off the hook on this one. As we pulled into the parking lot at the shopping center Ella looks over to the strip mall looks over at me and says " I really like the idea of a store better." I told her I loved the idea of that but until modern medicine can create organs out of thin air this is how it has to work. She seemed content with that answer. Thank goodness but honestly I love hearing things out of the mouths of babes.
I would just like to add though for those interested in following my friend Christina Kupers story I have attached her FB page to here. There will be a few fundraisers to help her cover the cost of these wonderful new gifts she will be recieving. For those who would like more information please feel free to contact her or myself!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/177754992274148/#!/pages/Funds-for-Lungs/311168732250959
Monday, December 12, 2011
Perspective
It has been a while but given the last few days I thought maybe it was time to do some writing. Its crazy to think the holidays are here. Where did this year go to? Have you ever noticed the older you get the faster time seems to fly? I swear It was just the new year like a week ago. So much happened this year and while I might have the most wonderful memory a lot of things still remain fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday.
We have been blessed with many opportunities this year and it seems as a door has closed for us another one has opened. While it is sad that Chris is no longer active duty he has found a job he is content with, the motivation and dedication to get his schooling out of the way to pursue the job he loves, and a once a week he gets to be able to do his passion and I might add he works with a great group of men who really seem to be like a family. So much actually I might actually consider becoming part of that family. By that no I do not mean being one of those crazy guys and running into a burning building but more of a support member to help back events they want to do and do misc tasks that need to be done. After their open house this weekend I have to say they are great appreciative group of guys. Potosi VFD you guys are amazing thank you for making us feel so welcome!
Today we took H to get his new ears. They did tubes again and a Adenoiectomy. While we all know how routine these procedures can be I the very worrisome over protective momma. Everything started out very routine but still I was left with a nagging feeling. 30 minutes later our doctor came out and said everything went well. I took a deep breath but still there was that feeling. Why would I still have that since he said it went well. Lots of time passed as we awaited them to bring us lil H. I knew something was up when the lady who's daughter went in after us had her daughter in her arms. Shortly after they came out to speak to us. Once they attempted to take the intubation tube out he stopped breathing. His tongue rolled to the back of his mouth and that was it. They proceeded to put meds in his IV to help get things going but they also had to bag him and give him a breathing treatment. I was a wreck so was Chris. This brought back the days of the NICU full force. After a few hours his vitals where normal and we got the go to leave. I have been over him like a hawk all day and he has been pretty good. He sounds gunky and raspy but we will see the pedi in the morning so we will see what she says.
Going through this just made me think of how far we have come. A year ago we sat in a NICU with nurses and doctors who made sure his lungs where strong, he could fend for himself and do a simple task of taking a bottle. Then we battled RSV it was a scare that really made us wonder how well those little lungs actually worked. Of course the icing on the cake was our hospital stay with pneumonia in January. See this is where I get my worry wartness from! But as always he pulls through. I think he likes to make us sweat every once in a while. I now have to go get my hair done often to cover the greys this kid is giving me!
The last few weeks people who have come into my life have found a way out sadly. I hate losing friends but I also have to keep my standards because I am not going to be treated like dog poo and walked all over. I have also discovered my new found ability to speak my mind and really let people know how I feel. Jordan says I should download a filter for this but I think if I keep it in some sort of boundaries I should be ok. Its cost me a few friends but at the same time maybe they were not really friends to begin with but just meer acquaintances that came into my life to keep me in check. That I can be thankful for.
This is going to be a great yet emotional week because its that time to drive to Dallas and go see my babies! I am surprising them by coming down a day early to show up for holiday parties. I get to spend the evening with my older sister Dana and her twin boys and that is exciting because I do not get to see her enough.
Well I wanted to write more but H is in charge right now and well he is a bit cranky and demanding so I think I will wrap this up and tend to him. That anesthesia has worn off and he is just a peach right now. Pray for a calm quiet sleep full night!
We have been blessed with many opportunities this year and it seems as a door has closed for us another one has opened. While it is sad that Chris is no longer active duty he has found a job he is content with, the motivation and dedication to get his schooling out of the way to pursue the job he loves, and a once a week he gets to be able to do his passion and I might add he works with a great group of men who really seem to be like a family. So much actually I might actually consider becoming part of that family. By that no I do not mean being one of those crazy guys and running into a burning building but more of a support member to help back events they want to do and do misc tasks that need to be done. After their open house this weekend I have to say they are great appreciative group of guys. Potosi VFD you guys are amazing thank you for making us feel so welcome!
Today we took H to get his new ears. They did tubes again and a Adenoiectomy. While we all know how routine these procedures can be I the very worrisome over protective momma. Everything started out very routine but still I was left with a nagging feeling. 30 minutes later our doctor came out and said everything went well. I took a deep breath but still there was that feeling. Why would I still have that since he said it went well. Lots of time passed as we awaited them to bring us lil H. I knew something was up when the lady who's daughter went in after us had her daughter in her arms. Shortly after they came out to speak to us. Once they attempted to take the intubation tube out he stopped breathing. His tongue rolled to the back of his mouth and that was it. They proceeded to put meds in his IV to help get things going but they also had to bag him and give him a breathing treatment. I was a wreck so was Chris. This brought back the days of the NICU full force. After a few hours his vitals where normal and we got the go to leave. I have been over him like a hawk all day and he has been pretty good. He sounds gunky and raspy but we will see the pedi in the morning so we will see what she says.
Going through this just made me think of how far we have come. A year ago we sat in a NICU with nurses and doctors who made sure his lungs where strong, he could fend for himself and do a simple task of taking a bottle. Then we battled RSV it was a scare that really made us wonder how well those little lungs actually worked. Of course the icing on the cake was our hospital stay with pneumonia in January. See this is where I get my worry wartness from! But as always he pulls through. I think he likes to make us sweat every once in a while. I now have to go get my hair done often to cover the greys this kid is giving me!
The last few weeks people who have come into my life have found a way out sadly. I hate losing friends but I also have to keep my standards because I am not going to be treated like dog poo and walked all over. I have also discovered my new found ability to speak my mind and really let people know how I feel. Jordan says I should download a filter for this but I think if I keep it in some sort of boundaries I should be ok. Its cost me a few friends but at the same time maybe they were not really friends to begin with but just meer acquaintances that came into my life to keep me in check. That I can be thankful for.
This is going to be a great yet emotional week because its that time to drive to Dallas and go see my babies! I am surprising them by coming down a day early to show up for holiday parties. I get to spend the evening with my older sister Dana and her twin boys and that is exciting because I do not get to see her enough.
Well I wanted to write more but H is in charge right now and well he is a bit cranky and demanding so I think I will wrap this up and tend to him. That anesthesia has worn off and he is just a peach right now. Pray for a calm quiet sleep full night!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Careful what you wish for
A year ago possibly even longer than that I found myself giddy over the thought of Chris no longer being active duty and thrilled at the possibility we could actually become a normal family. No more TDY's, deployments, crazy hours, remote tours none of it! The thought was exciting and blissful. Of course at the time I was still residing in Dallas and Chris in Abilene so of course anything sounded better than our current situation. A month later I would make a choice that would shake up our family dynamic and cause a bit of a stir.
At the end of January I picked up and decided to try living with my husband. At the time we knew with his MEB it would only be for a few months and we would be back in Dallas. The kids would stay with their dads and H and I would start a new home in Abilene. I figured 6 months 9 a the most we would be here and by the start of the school year even possibly Christmas we would be back and starting back at my old routine. Around May word came down of Chris' final out date. It was then that everything started to hit me. But remember this is what I wanted I longed for the day where the government wouldn't run his life but that he could actually be in control of things.
August came and the final day of active duty hit us both like a rock. It was the first time being with Chris that I questioned if this was what we where really ready for. It was also the first time I questioned if we where going to make it. I am not proud of admitting it but until you go through this the stress that it puts on a family and a marriage is unbelievable. While I know it was hard for Chris losing this life he had lead for 14 years, the safety of a routine and structure, the "family", just the over all military life was slamming closed and not the way he envisioned it.
Now I know I have overheard, over read and even met with ladies who say emphatically how ready they are to be done with the military. There of course was a point and time where I would chime in and agree and feel that exact way. I felt that way until that day when I realized at midnight Chris would no longer put that uniform on, he wouldn't work those crazy shifts, he wouldn't go into that shop, he wouldn't leave his family for weeks or months at a time doing a job that he had grown to love so much and do so well. I felt deflated and lost. I hated seeing my husband so lost and left out of what was once his life. I felt bad because for months it was all I pushed for an wanted. I felt that in same way this was my fault that I wished so hard that it for once came true! I just remember one day looking up at the sky and shouting "Really!, after all the damn things I ever wished for and wanted this is the damn thing you listen to and follow through with! This sucks and I wish I could take it back!" Of course that wish was never granted. Go figure right?
Lately now I read about my friends who long for the day of not being military and dealing with the headaches, I read of their spouses who say I hate this job and I wish I was done. I think to myself "Man I would gladly trade you places right now, right this very second I will change places with you!" But I just calmly say " Be careful what you wish for because someday when you least expect it that wish is going to be granted and maybe you might not feel that same way when that day comes down and this life is over."
I will be honest I feel left out now. I will never get to experience another departure or homecoming of my husband, I won't get to attend family squadron functions, I will never get to attend a Air Force ball or an enlisted dining out. I know sounds pretty stupid but you know what it was things I had looked forward to and had anticipated in this military life. I will never get to experience a PCS to a great new location and have the opportunity to make up a whole new military family. But I know I will always have my Dyess family here no matter where they go. Thinking about that makes me sad though, as we stay here I know, because I am no dummy, a time will come when all these wonderful people I have come to know and love and consider my family will move on to a new location. To me that is not something I look forward to. I am so used to moving around now this whole staying put thing is not all that I thought it would be. Instead of me being the one saying good bye I am now the one people are saying good bye to. I push the thought out of my head and tell myself " Remember Dyess is the base no one leaves! Your friends aren't going anywhere this is the black hole once you come in you never go out!" Its not true but maybe if I wish for it hard enough like I did with Chris getting out of the AF maybe this one will come true also.
I know hind sight is 20/20 but man if I know then what I know now I would never made such wishes and I would be thankful for all that I have and the great opportunities Chris and I had. I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could take back saying the things I did. I guess maybe I need to not do so much wishing and maybe just embrace what my reality is and know that there is a plan for us, I might not know right now what it is but someone has a plan for us and sooner or later that plan will become clear and I will embrace it and only wish good things for this plan. Then again even the best laid plans have their downfalls but even those downfalls have a silver lining so I will find it embrace it and know that life happens and its not my choice to alter it.
I think since August this is the first time I have been open about how I feel about all this. It feels nice to sort of get these emotions and feelings off my chest. I think being around all these fresh out of Basic Training kids this weekend in San Antonio triggered some thoughts and emotions I had brushed off. It was probably a good thing I saw those kids those kids this weekend because maybe it was time to get this out in the open and off my chest. I know it wasn't easy for Chris to see them and be around them. I know it brought back 14 years of memories. I am sure he wanted to grab each one of them and shake them and tell them make the most of it, enjoy it and take advantage of what is out there because one day in the blink of an eye it will be gone.
I think maybe from now on Chris and I will be more cautious of what we wish for. I think this taught us a lesson to appreciate and value what we have. No need to rush things just to take them as they come. Life is to short and who are we to not enjoy what life has given us. At least I learned from this as I am sure Chris did and know that life can change in the blink of an eye so just be careful what you wish for.
At the end of January I picked up and decided to try living with my husband. At the time we knew with his MEB it would only be for a few months and we would be back in Dallas. The kids would stay with their dads and H and I would start a new home in Abilene. I figured 6 months 9 a the most we would be here and by the start of the school year even possibly Christmas we would be back and starting back at my old routine. Around May word came down of Chris' final out date. It was then that everything started to hit me. But remember this is what I wanted I longed for the day where the government wouldn't run his life but that he could actually be in control of things.
August came and the final day of active duty hit us both like a rock. It was the first time being with Chris that I questioned if this was what we where really ready for. It was also the first time I questioned if we where going to make it. I am not proud of admitting it but until you go through this the stress that it puts on a family and a marriage is unbelievable. While I know it was hard for Chris losing this life he had lead for 14 years, the safety of a routine and structure, the "family", just the over all military life was slamming closed and not the way he envisioned it.
Now I know I have overheard, over read and even met with ladies who say emphatically how ready they are to be done with the military. There of course was a point and time where I would chime in and agree and feel that exact way. I felt that way until that day when I realized at midnight Chris would no longer put that uniform on, he wouldn't work those crazy shifts, he wouldn't go into that shop, he wouldn't leave his family for weeks or months at a time doing a job that he had grown to love so much and do so well. I felt deflated and lost. I hated seeing my husband so lost and left out of what was once his life. I felt bad because for months it was all I pushed for an wanted. I felt that in same way this was my fault that I wished so hard that it for once came true! I just remember one day looking up at the sky and shouting "Really!, after all the damn things I ever wished for and wanted this is the damn thing you listen to and follow through with! This sucks and I wish I could take it back!" Of course that wish was never granted. Go figure right?
Lately now I read about my friends who long for the day of not being military and dealing with the headaches, I read of their spouses who say I hate this job and I wish I was done. I think to myself "Man I would gladly trade you places right now, right this very second I will change places with you!" But I just calmly say " Be careful what you wish for because someday when you least expect it that wish is going to be granted and maybe you might not feel that same way when that day comes down and this life is over."
I will be honest I feel left out now. I will never get to experience another departure or homecoming of my husband, I won't get to attend family squadron functions, I will never get to attend a Air Force ball or an enlisted dining out. I know sounds pretty stupid but you know what it was things I had looked forward to and had anticipated in this military life. I will never get to experience a PCS to a great new location and have the opportunity to make up a whole new military family. But I know I will always have my Dyess family here no matter where they go. Thinking about that makes me sad though, as we stay here I know, because I am no dummy, a time will come when all these wonderful people I have come to know and love and consider my family will move on to a new location. To me that is not something I look forward to. I am so used to moving around now this whole staying put thing is not all that I thought it would be. Instead of me being the one saying good bye I am now the one people are saying good bye to. I push the thought out of my head and tell myself " Remember Dyess is the base no one leaves! Your friends aren't going anywhere this is the black hole once you come in you never go out!" Its not true but maybe if I wish for it hard enough like I did with Chris getting out of the AF maybe this one will come true also.
I know hind sight is 20/20 but man if I know then what I know now I would never made such wishes and I would be thankful for all that I have and the great opportunities Chris and I had. I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could take back saying the things I did. I guess maybe I need to not do so much wishing and maybe just embrace what my reality is and know that there is a plan for us, I might not know right now what it is but someone has a plan for us and sooner or later that plan will become clear and I will embrace it and only wish good things for this plan. Then again even the best laid plans have their downfalls but even those downfalls have a silver lining so I will find it embrace it and know that life happens and its not my choice to alter it.
I think since August this is the first time I have been open about how I feel about all this. It feels nice to sort of get these emotions and feelings off my chest. I think being around all these fresh out of Basic Training kids this weekend in San Antonio triggered some thoughts and emotions I had brushed off. It was probably a good thing I saw those kids those kids this weekend because maybe it was time to get this out in the open and off my chest. I know it wasn't easy for Chris to see them and be around them. I know it brought back 14 years of memories. I am sure he wanted to grab each one of them and shake them and tell them make the most of it, enjoy it and take advantage of what is out there because one day in the blink of an eye it will be gone.
I think maybe from now on Chris and I will be more cautious of what we wish for. I think this taught us a lesson to appreciate and value what we have. No need to rush things just to take them as they come. Life is to short and who are we to not enjoy what life has given us. At least I learned from this as I am sure Chris did and know that life can change in the blink of an eye so just be careful what you wish for.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Breathe in
Just when things come rolling through here like a crazy freight train and seem out of control they suddenly get super calm and peaceful. I need peaceful I need tranquil and I need to just breathe. Last week became a stressful hard week for me and for my family. But the troopers that we are we just worked and over came our struggles and are pressing forward now.
I have not heard anything back on the job interview. I can safely assume that I am sure I did not get the job. There was only 4 spots open and since it was on base military spouses take preference. I am not a military spouse of course now but I am hoping my sparkling personality and my wonderful qualifications helped but I guess we will see. I think not hearing anything about this job is what has me down. I am going to hit the ground running next week to look for a great teaching job maybe a weekend away will clear my head.
In the meantime I am going to keep busy by doing more in the community. Some wonderful ladies have banded together to create a group to help those in the military community. I know I just said I am not military anymore but still they are my family and a lot of these people mean a lot to me. I want to do my part and feel that I am helping and making a difference so this is a great opportunity for me. I am also still doing what I can to help the Westbrook family. I was fortunate enough to get to hang out with them last night and had a wonderful dinner with them. I will be meeting with a friend next week to hopefully launch so new ideas to continue to help them in their time of need.
So baby for sale or free to good home! H has decided that he wants to rule this roost! I get so frustrated at times with him but then I think I just need to be thankful that he is able to do the things that he is doing. But still it's hard when you just want a clean house and all you see is the mess that lil terror has left behind you! Today he decided standing on a couch throwing every item from his diaper bag would be a fun activity. Oh and by every item I mean every single baby wipe in the pouch also! I guess that wasn't enough so clearing off the computer table and dumping grape soda was an added bonus! Oy Vey! How is a momma suppose to get homework and house work done?! I am just kidding though I could never part ways with that baby boy! He might make me mad but he makes my day.
I guess the holidays are now quickly upon us. That is when I really just need to breathe and not stress. Easier said than done. I am excited though this year. We are opening up our home to friends in the area who have no where to go and don't want to be alone. I am hoping that we have a great turn out but even if its not many its still the fun of sharing the holiday with those you care about. I only wish the kids could be here but I get them for Christmas so its ok. I know they will have a great holiday with their dads so its all good.
Well the demanding cries from H are getting louder so it is time to wrap this up make him dinner clean him up and get him ready for his sitter. Hopefully he he more of a peach for her than he has been for me!
I have not heard anything back on the job interview. I can safely assume that I am sure I did not get the job. There was only 4 spots open and since it was on base military spouses take preference. I am not a military spouse of course now but I am hoping my sparkling personality and my wonderful qualifications helped but I guess we will see. I think not hearing anything about this job is what has me down. I am going to hit the ground running next week to look for a great teaching job maybe a weekend away will clear my head.
In the meantime I am going to keep busy by doing more in the community. Some wonderful ladies have banded together to create a group to help those in the military community. I know I just said I am not military anymore but still they are my family and a lot of these people mean a lot to me. I want to do my part and feel that I am helping and making a difference so this is a great opportunity for me. I am also still doing what I can to help the Westbrook family. I was fortunate enough to get to hang out with them last night and had a wonderful dinner with them. I will be meeting with a friend next week to hopefully launch so new ideas to continue to help them in their time of need.
So baby for sale or free to good home! H has decided that he wants to rule this roost! I get so frustrated at times with him but then I think I just need to be thankful that he is able to do the things that he is doing. But still it's hard when you just want a clean house and all you see is the mess that lil terror has left behind you! Today he decided standing on a couch throwing every item from his diaper bag would be a fun activity. Oh and by every item I mean every single baby wipe in the pouch also! I guess that wasn't enough so clearing off the computer table and dumping grape soda was an added bonus! Oy Vey! How is a momma suppose to get homework and house work done?! I am just kidding though I could never part ways with that baby boy! He might make me mad but he makes my day.
I guess the holidays are now quickly upon us. That is when I really just need to breathe and not stress. Easier said than done. I am excited though this year. We are opening up our home to friends in the area who have no where to go and don't want to be alone. I am hoping that we have a great turn out but even if its not many its still the fun of sharing the holiday with those you care about. I only wish the kids could be here but I get them for Christmas so its ok. I know they will have a great holiday with their dads so its all good.
Well the demanding cries from H are getting louder so it is time to wrap this up make him dinner clean him up and get him ready for his sitter. Hopefully he he more of a peach for her than he has been for me!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Sticks and Stones.......
....Will break my bones but words can never hurt me. Growing up that is what our parents and teachers told us. But honestly we know no matter what words still have the power to hurt us. Sometimes it is done accidentally and we truly feel bad for saying something that would cause hurt and pain to someone else. Then there are those who go out of their way to say things to hurt them to make them feel sadness and pain because their own life is filled with such sadness and hate. A friend of mine posted something on facebook this morning on bullies and how a teacher in New York taught them in a visual sense how being a bully can hurt others. She told the children to crumple up and stomp upon their piece of notebook paper. Then once they had finished they where to open up that same paper and try to smooth it out. The children looked at the crumpled up dirty paper and the teacher says when you bully someone this is what they feel like. While you opened it up and tried to smooth it out the wrinkles, the scars the hurt is all still there and wont ever go away no matter how hard you try to fix that paper.
A situation arose last night and it made me feel like that child's crumpled up paper. I felt torn down, stepped on and has left lasting scars on my heart. I know I can't please everyone and I know for sure I can't make ever one agree with what I do but it is my life and as long as I am doing what is in the best interests of my family and myself than it is not up to anyone else to say what I am doing is wrong. I know everyone has their own thoughts and opinions and I respect that. In fact what a boring world we would live in if we all felt the same and agreed upon all the same things. I am always up for a good debate but in the end if it is a matter that involves me and my family it will be resolved by just that myself and my family.
I was crushed last night, I felt defeated and despaired. It didn't however take long before I have my friends and family rally around me to make me realize that they love and support me in what I have had to do and until someone walks a mile heck even a feet in my shoes they have no room to make judgement upon my life. I am so grateful to have those people in my life and am proud to say I have a wonderful support system. I know now who has my back and it makes me happy to know that my family and I are loved and cared for by so many.
I guess today I will buy stock in thank you cards and make sure I send every one of you one to say thank you for all that you have done for me. I always make it a point to say in person how thankful I am for those who have stepped up to help me and done something in return to show my appreciation for things done for me, given to me etc. I guess maybe handwritten sentiments is more fitting. I just have rarely ever done them and figured email, phone call, personal message face to face would be sufficient enough. Well I am not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be so yet we have found another one of my flaws and imperfections and I guess I need to change that. So to everyone who wants a handwritten note of my thanks please forward me your address so I may get those out in a timely manner.
Today is a new day and I am going to embrace it as a new start. I can't erase yesterday but I can move on, move forward and make a new start to overcome things that have hurt and upset me. So today I will spend time with those who mean the most. I wish that my 3 oldest where here to have a family day but we will have plenty of those in the weeks to come just like we had plenty of it over the weekend. But today is all about making a new start over some bumpy road.
A situation arose last night and it made me feel like that child's crumpled up paper. I felt torn down, stepped on and has left lasting scars on my heart. I know I can't please everyone and I know for sure I can't make ever one agree with what I do but it is my life and as long as I am doing what is in the best interests of my family and myself than it is not up to anyone else to say what I am doing is wrong. I know everyone has their own thoughts and opinions and I respect that. In fact what a boring world we would live in if we all felt the same and agreed upon all the same things. I am always up for a good debate but in the end if it is a matter that involves me and my family it will be resolved by just that myself and my family.
I was crushed last night, I felt defeated and despaired. It didn't however take long before I have my friends and family rally around me to make me realize that they love and support me in what I have had to do and until someone walks a mile heck even a feet in my shoes they have no room to make judgement upon my life. I am so grateful to have those people in my life and am proud to say I have a wonderful support system. I know now who has my back and it makes me happy to know that my family and I are loved and cared for by so many.
I guess today I will buy stock in thank you cards and make sure I send every one of you one to say thank you for all that you have done for me. I always make it a point to say in person how thankful I am for those who have stepped up to help me and done something in return to show my appreciation for things done for me, given to me etc. I guess maybe handwritten sentiments is more fitting. I just have rarely ever done them and figured email, phone call, personal message face to face would be sufficient enough. Well I am not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be so yet we have found another one of my flaws and imperfections and I guess I need to change that. So to everyone who wants a handwritten note of my thanks please forward me your address so I may get those out in a timely manner.
Today is a new day and I am going to embrace it as a new start. I can't erase yesterday but I can move on, move forward and make a new start to overcome things that have hurt and upset me. So today I will spend time with those who mean the most. I wish that my 3 oldest where here to have a family day but we will have plenty of those in the weeks to come just like we had plenty of it over the weekend. But today is all about making a new start over some bumpy road.
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