Careful what you wish for

A year ago possibly even longer than that I found myself giddy over the thought of Chris no longer being active duty and thrilled at the possibility we could actually become a normal family. No more TDY's, deployments, crazy hours, remote tours none of it! The thought was exciting and blissful.  Of course at the time I was still residing in Dallas and Chris in Abilene so of course anything sounded better than our current situation. A month later I would make a choice that would shake up our family dynamic and cause a bit of a stir.
At the end of January I picked up and decided to try living with my husband. At the time we knew with his MEB it would only be for a few months and we would be back in Dallas. The kids would stay with their dads and H and I would start a new home in Abilene. I figured 6 months 9 a the most we would be here and by the start of the school year even possibly Christmas we would be back and starting back at my old routine.  Around May word came down of Chris' final out date. It was then that everything started to hit me. But remember this is what I wanted I longed for the day where the government wouldn't run his life but that he could actually be in control of things.
August came and the final day of active duty hit us both like a rock. It was the first time being with Chris that I questioned if this was what we where really ready for. It was also the first time I questioned if we where going to make it. I am not proud of admitting it but until you go through this the stress that it puts on a family and a marriage is unbelievable. While I know it was hard for Chris losing this life he had lead for 14 years, the safety of a routine and structure, the "family", just the over all military life was slamming closed and not the way he envisioned it.
Now I know I have overheard, over read and even met with ladies who say emphatically how ready they are to be done with the military. There of course was a point and time where I would chime in and agree and feel that exact way. I felt that way until that day when I realized at midnight Chris would no longer put that uniform on, he wouldn't work those crazy shifts, he wouldn't go into that shop, he wouldn't leave his family for weeks or months at a time doing a job that he had grown to love so much and do so well. I felt deflated and lost. I hated seeing my husband so lost and left out of what was once his life. I felt bad because for months it was all I pushed for an wanted. I felt that in same way this was my fault that I wished so hard that it for once came true! I just remember one day looking up at the sky and shouting "Really!, after all the damn things I ever wished for and wanted this is the damn thing you listen to and follow through with! This sucks and I wish I could take it back!" Of course that wish was never granted. Go figure right?
Lately now I read about my friends who long for the day of not being military and dealing with the headaches, I read of their spouses who say I hate this job and I wish I was done. I think to myself "Man I would gladly trade you places right now, right this very second I will change places with you!" But I just calmly say " Be careful what you wish for because someday when you least expect it that wish is going to be granted and maybe you might not feel that same way when that day comes down and this life is over."
I will be honest I feel left out now. I will never get to experience another departure or homecoming of my husband, I won't get to attend family squadron functions, I will never get to attend a Air Force ball or an enlisted dining out. I know sounds pretty stupid but you know what it was things I had looked forward to and had anticipated in this military life. I will never get to experience a PCS to a great new location and have the opportunity to make up a whole new military family. But I know I will always have my Dyess family here no matter where they go. Thinking about that makes me sad though, as we stay here I know, because I am no dummy, a time will come when all these wonderful people I have come to know and love and consider my family will move on to a new location. To me that is not something I look forward to. I am so used to moving around now this whole staying put thing is not all that I thought it would be. Instead of me being the one saying good bye I am now the one people are saying good bye to. I push the thought out of my head and tell myself " Remember Dyess is the base no one leaves! Your friends aren't going anywhere this is the black hole once you come in you never go out!" Its not true but maybe if I wish for it hard enough like I did with Chris getting out of the AF maybe this one will come true also.
I know hind sight is 20/20 but man if I know then what I know now I would never made such wishes and I would be thankful for all that I have and the great opportunities Chris and I had.  I wish I could go back and change things, I wish I could take back saying the things I did. I guess maybe I need to not do so much wishing and maybe just embrace what my reality is and know that there is a plan for us, I might not know right now what it is but someone has a plan for us and sooner or later that plan will become clear and I will embrace it and only wish good things for this plan. Then again even the best laid plans have their downfalls but even those downfalls have a silver lining so I will find it embrace it and know that life happens and its not my choice to alter it.
I think since August this is the first time I have been open about how I feel about all this. It feels nice to sort of get these emotions and feelings off my chest. I think being around all these fresh out of Basic Training kids this weekend in San Antonio triggered some thoughts and emotions I had brushed off.  It was probably a good thing I saw those kids those kids this weekend because maybe it was time to get this out in the open and off my chest. I know it wasn't easy for Chris to see them and be around them. I know it brought back 14 years of memories. I am sure he wanted to grab each one of them and shake them and tell them make the most of it, enjoy it and take advantage of what is out there because one day in the blink of an eye it will be gone. 
I think maybe from now on Chris and I will be more cautious of what we wish for. I think this taught us a lesson to appreciate and value what we have. No need to rush things just to take them as they come. Life is to short and who are we to not enjoy what life has given us. At least I learned from this as I am sure Chris did and know that life can change in the blink of an eye so just be careful what you wish for.

Breathe in

Just when things come rolling through here like a crazy freight train and seem out of control they suddenly get super calm and peaceful. I need peaceful I need tranquil and I need to just breathe. Last week became a stressful hard week for me and for my family. But the troopers that we are we just worked and over came our struggles and are pressing forward now.
I have not heard anything back on the job interview. I can safely assume that I am sure I did not get the job. There was only 4 spots open and since it was on base military spouses take preference. I am not a military spouse of course now but I am hoping my sparkling personality and my wonderful qualifications helped but I guess we will see. I think not hearing anything about this job is what has me down. I am going to hit the ground running next week to look for a great teaching job maybe a weekend away will clear my head.
In the meantime I am going to keep busy by doing more in the community. Some wonderful ladies have banded together to create a group to help those in the military community. I know I just said I am not military anymore but still they are my family and a lot of these people mean a lot to me. I want to do my part and feel that I am helping and making a difference so this is a great opportunity for me. I am also still doing what I can to help the Westbrook family. I was fortunate enough to get to hang out with them last night and had a wonderful dinner with them. I will be meeting with a friend next week to hopefully launch so new ideas to continue to help them in their time of need.
So baby for sale or free to good home! H has decided that he wants to rule this roost! I get so frustrated at times with him but then I think I just need to be thankful that he is able to do the things that he is doing. But still it's hard when you just want a clean house and all you see is the mess that lil terror has left behind you! Today he decided standing on a couch throwing every item from his diaper bag would be a fun activity. Oh and by every item I mean every single baby wipe in the pouch also! I guess that wasn't enough so clearing off the computer table and dumping grape soda was an added bonus! Oy Vey! How is a momma suppose to get homework and house work done?!  I am just kidding though I could never part ways with that baby boy! He might make me mad but he makes my day.
I guess the holidays are now quickly upon us. That is when I really just need to breathe and not stress. Easier said than done. I am excited though this year. We  are opening up our home to friends in the area who have no where to go and don't want to be alone. I am hoping that we have a great turn out but even if its not many its still the fun of sharing the holiday with those you care about. I only wish the kids could be here but I get them for Christmas so its ok. I know they will have a great holiday with their dads so its all good.
Well the demanding cries from H are getting louder so it is time to wrap this up make him dinner clean him up and get him ready for his sitter. Hopefully he he more of a peach for her than he has been for me!

Sticks and Stones.......

....Will break my bones but words can never hurt me.  Growing up that is what our parents and teachers told us. But honestly we know no matter what words still have the power to hurt us. Sometimes it is done accidentally and we truly feel bad for saying something that would cause hurt and pain to someone else. Then there are those who go out of their way to say things to hurt them to make them feel sadness and pain because their own life is filled with such sadness and hate. A friend of mine posted something on facebook this morning on bullies and how a teacher in New York taught them in a visual sense how being a bully can hurt others. She told the children to crumple up and stomp upon their piece of notebook paper. Then once they had finished they where to open up that same paper and try to smooth it out. The children looked at the crumpled up dirty paper and the teacher says when you bully someone this is what they feel like. While you opened it up and tried to smooth it out the wrinkles, the scars the hurt is all still there and wont ever go away no matter how hard you try to fix that paper.
A situation arose last night and it made me feel like that child's crumpled up paper. I felt torn down, stepped on and has left lasting scars on my heart. I know I can't please everyone and I know for sure I can't make ever one agree with what I do but it is my life and as long as I am doing what is in the best interests of my family and myself than it is not up to anyone else to say what I am doing is wrong. I know everyone has their own thoughts and opinions and I respect that. In fact what a boring world we would live in if we all felt the same and agreed upon all the same things. I am always up for a good debate but in the end if it is a matter that involves me and my family it will be resolved by just that myself and my family.
I was crushed last night, I felt defeated and despaired. It didn't however take long before I have my friends and family rally around me to make me realize that they love and support me in what I have had to do and until someone walks a mile heck even a feet in my shoes they have no room to make judgement upon my life. I am so grateful to have those people in my life and am proud to say I have a wonderful support system. I know now who has my back and it makes me happy to know that my family and I are loved and cared for by so many.
I guess today I will buy stock in thank you cards and make sure I send every one of you one to say thank you for all that you have done for me. I always make it a point to say in person how thankful I am for those who have stepped up to help me and done something in return to show my appreciation for things done for me, given to me etc. I guess maybe handwritten sentiments is more fitting. I just have rarely ever done them and figured email, phone call, personal message face to face would be sufficient enough. Well I am not perfect nor have I ever claimed to be so yet we have found another one of my flaws and imperfections and I guess I need to change that. So to everyone who wants a handwritten note of my thanks please forward me your address so I may get those out in a timely manner.
Today is a new day and I am going to embrace it as a new start. I can't erase yesterday but I can move on, move forward and make a new start to overcome things that have hurt and upset me. So today I will spend time with those who mean the most. I wish that my 3 oldest where here to have a family day but we will have plenty of those in the weeks to come just like we had plenty of it over the weekend. But today is all about making a new start over some bumpy road.

This crazy wonderful life.

Wow almost a year since I posted last! I guess life got the best of me and well kept me from this page. I guess we have some catching up to do don't we?! I guess we should just start off were we left off.

I finally found some friends out here. I thought that would never come. But I have sadly had a few close ones come and then go and as hard as it was it was all for the best. People come into your life for a reason and the often leave to for that same reason. But I have my great now every growing circle of friends and I love that they are each so different and bring so much to the table. It makes being here super tolerable heck even enjoyable now.

I have had 2 jobs since being here. Both in the field that I love but just not what I was expecting. Neither were a good match for me so now I am just staying at home hoping to find the right job and work on my schooling. H is still going to his school he does so well and enjoys it so much that it makes sense to keep him there.

Speaking of lil H he is doing fantastic! H just turned 1 and hitting his milestone now and its just impressive! He is saying a few words, walking, climbing, self feeding, learning baby signs, and just doing most things little ones his age do. Health wise he is doing alright. We had a bought of sickness that we couldn't shake for about 3 weeks but we seem good now. His RAD ( not sure if you guys new we had an official diagnosis of the lungs but its Reactive Airway Disease) is under control with steroids and his nebulizer. We just need to keep him healthy through the winter months because according to his pedi it will be hard on his lungs if he gets sick this winter. Lovely!

I am enjoying the quiet, country life of Abilene. Chris has been medically separated from the military now for a few months. Its been a hard adjustment for all of us but we are making do. He has found a job at the BX in Firearms. Go figure right?! He is doing volunteer firefighting out in Potosi and has met a great group of guys out there. We have even made friends with a few of them. They are a great family and I think that's why he likes it so much out there. He is going to school ok well he was going to school. He will be getting his butt back into gear next semester and work on what ever it is he decides to get his degree in. He changes his mind like he changes his underwear! He denies it but I swear he does really. I miss the kids so much but I know how well they are doing back in Dallas. I am seeing them often lately which helps me not miss them to much but its still so hard.

I guess I have grown up a lot since being out here. I have really learned to take a lot at myself and see what kind of person I really am. What sort of wife, mother and friend I am. I have learned so much about how I can be better person and friend. I also have grown more as a wife and mother. Sometimes leaving home is for the best and really puts what you have in perspective. I find myself always on the go now and keeping myself busy with friends, schoolwork, housework and of course my family. I have learned the more definite meaning of what being a friend is and how to become a better one. I have seen that we all have our strengths that we bring to the friendship and its up to us as a person to utilize that to make these bonds grow stronger and bigger. I am glad I have an assortment of friends with all sorts of interests, talents and likes. It makes being around them so much more enjoyable and fun. I have learned so much in just the 10 months I have been out here so much more I think then all my years of being back home.

I guess that is about it for now. I have been using FB more to update and load up pictures and such. I think though I will get back in the habit of using this though. It's such a better outlet and it helps when it comes to status updates ha ha. Well that is all for now. Maybe if something interesting happens between now and tomorrow I can write again! But for now I say good bye!

Here I am

Here I am 10 days post transplant to Abilene. I guess last weeks shouldn't really count since it was almost like a vacation due to the insane winter weather. Chris didn't have to work so we just hung out at home since the roads were nasty and the drivers out there had lost their minds! The move went rather uneventful. Saturday the weather was perfect for moving, but what would a Saturday be if Hunter didn't have to go see the doctor?! He has more fluid behind his ears but at that time we opted not to treat him since we had just come off antibiotics so we would see if it was just teething, the onset of a new ear infection or something else.
We arrived around 7pm with the help of Chris' friend Randell. Honestly having him there to help not only helped Chris but it helped me. He proved to be a good distraction in keeping us entertained and being patient when I would fall to pieces. I fell to pieces several times over the course of the day. I met his wife Tabby and their darling Trinity who is about 6 weeks old that night and we had some pizza. Our awesome neighbor Lindsay came over and provided us with a BBQ chicken snack until we got our dinner. She also was a huge help unloading the truck. It is so great to have great people around. It will make this transition easier.
Saturday morning I was a basket case. I cried anytime I walked into the kids room or started to think about leaving. Hannah gave me the most amazing hug and snuggled me for a good 20 minutes crying and telling me how much she loves me and how much she would miss me. But she did look at me with the most scared sincere look and ask if I would be coming back. Oh it just broke my heart into a million pieces. I never want my kids to think I am ditching them. Ella was upset but it didn't seem to hit her till I dropped her off at Jason's house. I could hear her crying as I left the house. I lost it and fell to pieces. With Sean there wasn't as much emotion. We are used to our short times together so when we said good bye it was not a big deal because I knew I would see him next weekend and plus he has a cell phone he loves to text me and make random prank calls!
We started out the week with what I thought would be my new routine. Chris working overnight, home asleep during the day and home for dinner. The winter weather changed that and we were snowed in from Monday night until we left for Dallas bright and early Saturday morning. We did leave twice once for a doctor apt for Chris and then a trip to the ER for Hunter since we knew his ears were still bothering him. Both times I just prayed to get from point A to point B with no incident. I did so much baking and cooking to during that time that I am sure Chris will be in a gym for weeks working it off! We also had our wonderful neighbor over for dinner along with Randell, Tabby and baby T. I have never enjoyed entertained guests as much as I have now.
Saturday morning bright and early ok well it wasn't bright but it sure was early we made our drive to Dallas. Surprisingly the roads were fine but the highways were littered with the remains of what you could tell was a serious winter storm! Hunter's check up was uneventful due to the office being short staffed. We learned that yes this is his 4th ear infection and since he is only 5 months old we can't do surgery. If after 6th moths of age he is still having problems we will revisit surgery. We have made it very clear we are on board and want it done. Maybe being at home with me for the remains of Cold, Flu and RSV season will help.
The kids and I were so glad to be reunited together for the day. We ran lots of errands and saw my best friend Lauren and her husband and daughter. They had a nice gift of tons of diapers and a super cute monkey for Hunter. I loved every second I had with them this weekend and was sad to drop them off. Chris said in about 3 weeks we will come back out. Then of course we have them for spring break!!
So life out here is not so bad and I am adjusting better than I thought. I had fears at first of finding my niche and fitting in. I know sounding so Jr. High I know. My goal is to just take every opportunity to go out and meet new people and grow to know Chris' friends/coworkers. I am fortunate enough to have great neighbors so I know I will be fine. Plus starting school soon should help.
I almost forgot to share the good news about Chris and his knee. We had his doctor's apt on Tuesday and we were told to start a new physical therapy with these electrodes that will help redevelop the thigh muscles. Redeveloping that muscle will help keep his knee in place therefore helping with his major troubles he has had. So for now we are down but not out which is great news. He did file his MEB (evaluated by a board to see if he can be medially discharged) but we have some time to see if this helps and he has been told he could possibly retrain to another position. While this prolongs our stay out here it is my job as his wife and supporter to support him and be there to help push him. We will make it back to Dallas soon enough. But I can't be selfish it's not fair. He needs this and honestly we need this. So while we thought we might be home in May we won't it might be 18 months from now which still isn't bad if you look at it. And I am ok with that.
Well that has to be it for the news around the Thomas house. Both my boys are snoozing away so I will take this time to clean the house and prepare for our guests tonight. Now that I am home more I will be sure to update more too! Have a great week and be sure to stay warm!!

The long good bye

It's 11pm on Thursday night and while I should be heading to bed I am wide awake. I have started my good byes today and wow this is hard. I guess I never thought this day would come. Tomorrow will start one of the longest days ever!
Tonight was filled with high emotions in our house. While it might not be said the things that have gone on the last few days in our house show quiet clearly how much this is effecting them. I took each girl aside and told them how much they mean to me and its ok to tell me how they feel. Both told me they were both happy for me and mad at me. I understood and told them it's alright. I can't fault their feelings. I told them things will be work out and we will all be fine. Daddy loves them so much and is going to take fantastic care of them. He was on top of everything for the 3 months I was out of commission this summer so what's a little bit longer right?!
While they laid sleeping tonight I curled up in each of their beds stroked their hair, cuddled them close and told them how much I love them and what they mean to me. I am going to miss our chaos, and craziness. The laughs we have had the anger and frustration have made us who we are as a family. We have had our highs and lows but I love those girls so much and I can't say that I am looking forward to not having them in our house on a daily basis.
Tomorrow night Sean will be here and I am not sure how it will be. We have a unique relationship but we are also very open with things to one another. I am hoping after our gathering tomorrow me and him can find some quiet time to talk and i can tell him how much I love him and what he means to me. These children are my life! They are the air I breath. They are what motivate me to be who I am on a daily basis.
I wrote a letter to everyone at the school that I am hoping will be sent out tomorrow before the end of the day. I am not sure I can express to everyone face to face how I feel and everything so I have decided to write a letter. If in fact this letter does actually go out I will make a special posting for all to see. I would rather it be a surprise to everyone than to read it on here.
Tomorrow night is our get together. I am excited to see friends and family that are able to attend. I know saying good bye in a setting like this will be easier and more fun. I have planned on cooking and baking everything we can't take to Abilene along with ordering pizzas. Chris' friend from work will be coming in late tomorrow night to help us with the move Saturday. He is a saint for being able to drop everything at pretty much the last second to help us! Thank you Randell!
So Chris is passed out on the couch, and Hunter is asleep. Maybe I just take a hint from my family an head to bed. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I will be taking my camera to work tomorrow so I can have the opportunity to save the memories of my last day! I will update tomorrow or Saturday before we leave.
Night!

Feeling cheated

Hunter was born almost 5 months ago exactly. The time leading up to it as we all know was a stressful one and even afterwards it didn't seem to get much better for a while. We did seem to think we were getting lucky with just a two week stay in the NICU. We meet people who had been there for months! So we figured this was our "break". Maybe our luck was changing. After all I sat in bed for 6 weeks our son was almost 6 weeks early and had to be taken to the NICU. Not a way any woman I know wants to spend her pregnancy or the birth!

We knew the day we came home finally our luck had finally changed or so we had thought. We had just minor issues upon coming home. Some we were well aware would happen and others just sort of snuck up on us catching us off guard. The six week break we had before I was to return to work was just what we all needed. I know that everything I was doing was giving Hunter benifits and doing what it could to make him bigger and stronger, or was I?

Since he was going to be a premie I made it clear that I would strickly breast feed because I knew that would give him a much better shot of leaving the NICU sooner, gaining weight and making him over all just a healthier baby. I firmly believed this when we saw after 2 weeks we were going home. I believed that staying home with him till he was a little over 2 months old would also benifit him by letting him get just a litter stronger and a little more quiet time with rest. I was thrilled to go back to work, I had been out 3months! 2 months longer than I had planned!

Now I did not go into this blindly or nieve to that fact my child would be the picture of health and we would have no problems and my life at home with the kids would in fact be just smooth sailing. I did think well I have been raising the girls alone during the week what is one more chid? I can totally handle this. And I did and I still have been. A month later things started changing. Hunter finally got sick right around Thanksgiving, I started second guessing if my choices of being back in Dallas were wrong. I was hoping the kids didn't start resenting me because of all these changes I have imposed on their lives with really no question to them if they were ok with it. Even when my place was falling apart before our very eyes I thought " I can really do this, I am just being tested!" Around the middle of December Hunter started getting sick again! Ok I am really not surprised but still I thought he would at least give me a break in between. Finally after much debate we took him on Christmas Eve and he was diagnosed with RSV. We were waived a hospital stay since after all it was the holidays who wants to spend time in the hospital for observation when you have other children depending upon this grand holiday?! We also were dealing with other issues and it was really packing on the stress.

Earlier in the week unbenknownst to most people I had slowly been making the decision that would infact inpact our families lives. I don't really even think the people closest to me knew what was coming. Right at the start of Christmas break I finally spoke with Jason and told him our situation and how I felt it would best be rectified if for the remainder of Chris' enlistment I moved to Abilene. I cried about how I was not ditching the children or giving them up and how absolutely agonizing this was. He clearly understood and supported what I needed to do. Most don't know this but there are only a few people in my life whos approval means the most to me and even though he is my ex his still means a lot.

After the break I made the news public to everyone. And with Hunter not getting much better I knew it was the right thing to do but I started feeling cheated. I felt like I was cheating my kids. Here I was told that BF was the absolute best way to keep your child strong and healthy and it would be the best way for him. Here I am at the doctors office every weekend. No I don't exagerate please verify with the nurses they have pretty much seen us every weekend since November! Hunter is being cheated out of a the benifits I should be giving him leaving me feeling guilty. Then there are 3 children who have been cheated of their time with me because not only am I tending to a sick baby, but I am working, and preparing for a big move which sadly does not include them. I am cheating them out of their mommy.

There has been so much sadness in guilt these last few weeks. It is the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I debate with myself regularly if what I am doing is for the best. I beat myself up because Hunter can't get well. A friend from the NICU and I were speaking last night. Her daughter was a micro premie they had a much longer stay and a longer road ahead of them then we did of course. I felt almost stupid bringing up this but she reminded me he was in the NICU and those babies have a bigger battle to fight. We both agreed that we wondered how long we would worry about our babies and keeping them healthy. These worries are none that I really have dealt with before. Even as a first time mom 10 years ago I don't think I agonized this much. Now I feel it consumes me! So much infact I am taking time away from my other children and my family. They again get cheated.

In exactly 6 days I will be entering my new life and leaving this behind for now. I have felt myself emotionally closing off away from everyone. Even the party I am having to say goodbye seems like to much of an effort and would be best left not doing. I think deep down having those people around me Friday will make it more real to me what will be happening the following day. I think if I just played it off like any other Friday I could possibly cheat myself out of the guilt I am feeling. Even when Sean left tonight I didn't do anything extra special that would indicate to either himself or mine that this was infact our last weekend in the place together. That the next time he would come see me it would be a different dynamic. Not till I sat down and spoke to his step mom did I really realize " Oh wow this is it!" I sent her a message making sure I could still have him spend the night next Friday so I didn't cheat him out of our time.

I think about all the "last times" I will be having for a while and while at first it was no big deal to me they are coming as just an emotional wave! Who knew that it being the last time for a while that I would take the girls on Sunday night and prepare them for school for the week, or my last week of waking up early to coax and prode the girls to get ready for school, my last week of spending the short amount of time I get with them doing their homework and making dinner for them hearing them fight over who will tell me about their day first. This seem so mundane and not even a big deal but they are to me because lately I feel like I have cheated them out of that time. I have been so occupied with a sick baby, work and packing that I feel that they got cheated out of the special time with me in the evening and I feel so jealous that now Jason will have that with them getting his undivided attention.

I know this is only short term and that really I am not cheating them out of anything but they are and I am gaining so much more in the long run. That it is what it is and we can't always have things that we want when we want them it has to come with time. So I am forcing myself to embrace this change and know that it is for the best and while I fight the thoughts of cheating everyone including myself I know that I am actually gaining so much later on. I just have to stop beating myself up and feeling guitly for things that must be done. If those around me don't seem to understand and think that I infact am cheating my family and myself then to them I say please walk a mile in my shoes, live my life day by day and see that this is cheating them. They are loved and will forever be loved. Nothing lasts for ever and nothing ever stays the same. I will believe that until I have seen otherwise.