It's 11pm on Thursday night and while I should be heading to bed I am wide awake. I have started my good byes today and wow this is hard. I guess I never thought this day would come. Tomorrow will start one of the longest days ever!
Tonight was filled with high emotions in our house. While it might not be said the things that have gone on the last few days in our house show quiet clearly how much this is effecting them. I took each girl aside and told them how much they mean to me and its ok to tell me how they feel. Both told me they were both happy for me and mad at me. I understood and told them it's alright. I can't fault their feelings. I told them things will be work out and we will all be fine. Daddy loves them so much and is going to take fantastic care of them. He was on top of everything for the 3 months I was out of commission this summer so what's a little bit longer right?!
While they laid sleeping tonight I curled up in each of their beds stroked their hair, cuddled them close and told them how much I love them and what they mean to me. I am going to miss our chaos, and craziness. The laughs we have had the anger and frustration have made us who we are as a family. We have had our highs and lows but I love those girls so much and I can't say that I am looking forward to not having them in our house on a daily basis.
Tomorrow night Sean will be here and I am not sure how it will be. We have a unique relationship but we are also very open with things to one another. I am hoping after our gathering tomorrow me and him can find some quiet time to talk and i can tell him how much I love him and what he means to me. These children are my life! They are the air I breath. They are what motivate me to be who I am on a daily basis.
I wrote a letter to everyone at the school that I am hoping will be sent out tomorrow before the end of the day. I am not sure I can express to everyone face to face how I feel and everything so I have decided to write a letter. If in fact this letter does actually go out I will make a special posting for all to see. I would rather it be a surprise to everyone than to read it on here.
Tomorrow night is our get together. I am excited to see friends and family that are able to attend. I know saying good bye in a setting like this will be easier and more fun. I have planned on cooking and baking everything we can't take to Abilene along with ordering pizzas. Chris' friend from work will be coming in late tomorrow night to help us with the move Saturday. He is a saint for being able to drop everything at pretty much the last second to help us! Thank you Randell!
So Chris is passed out on the couch, and Hunter is asleep. Maybe I just take a hint from my family an head to bed. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I will be taking my camera to work tomorrow so I can have the opportunity to save the memories of my last day! I will update tomorrow or Saturday before we leave.
Night!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Feeling cheated
Hunter was born almost 5 months ago exactly. The time leading up to it as we all know was a stressful one and even afterwards it didn't seem to get much better for a while. We did seem to think we were getting lucky with just a two week stay in the NICU. We meet people who had been there for months! So we figured this was our "break". Maybe our luck was changing. After all I sat in bed for 6 weeks our son was almost 6 weeks early and had to be taken to the NICU. Not a way any woman I know wants to spend her pregnancy or the birth!
We knew the day we came home finally our luck had finally changed or so we had thought. We had just minor issues upon coming home. Some we were well aware would happen and others just sort of snuck up on us catching us off guard. The six week break we had before I was to return to work was just what we all needed. I know that everything I was doing was giving Hunter benifits and doing what it could to make him bigger and stronger, or was I?
Since he was going to be a premie I made it clear that I would strickly breast feed because I knew that would give him a much better shot of leaving the NICU sooner, gaining weight and making him over all just a healthier baby. I firmly believed this when we saw after 2 weeks we were going home. I believed that staying home with him till he was a little over 2 months old would also benifit him by letting him get just a litter stronger and a little more quiet time with rest. I was thrilled to go back to work, I had been out 3months! 2 months longer than I had planned!
Now I did not go into this blindly or nieve to that fact my child would be the picture of health and we would have no problems and my life at home with the kids would in fact be just smooth sailing. I did think well I have been raising the girls alone during the week what is one more chid? I can totally handle this. And I did and I still have been. A month later things started changing. Hunter finally got sick right around Thanksgiving, I started second guessing if my choices of being back in Dallas were wrong. I was hoping the kids didn't start resenting me because of all these changes I have imposed on their lives with really no question to them if they were ok with it. Even when my place was falling apart before our very eyes I thought " I can really do this, I am just being tested!" Around the middle of December Hunter started getting sick again! Ok I am really not surprised but still I thought he would at least give me a break in between. Finally after much debate we took him on Christmas Eve and he was diagnosed with RSV. We were waived a hospital stay since after all it was the holidays who wants to spend time in the hospital for observation when you have other children depending upon this grand holiday?! We also were dealing with other issues and it was really packing on the stress.
Earlier in the week unbenknownst to most people I had slowly been making the decision that would infact inpact our families lives. I don't really even think the people closest to me knew what was coming. Right at the start of Christmas break I finally spoke with Jason and told him our situation and how I felt it would best be rectified if for the remainder of Chris' enlistment I moved to Abilene. I cried about how I was not ditching the children or giving them up and how absolutely agonizing this was. He clearly understood and supported what I needed to do. Most don't know this but there are only a few people in my life whos approval means the most to me and even though he is my ex his still means a lot.
After the break I made the news public to everyone. And with Hunter not getting much better I knew it was the right thing to do but I started feeling cheated. I felt like I was cheating my kids. Here I was told that BF was the absolute best way to keep your child strong and healthy and it would be the best way for him. Here I am at the doctors office every weekend. No I don't exagerate please verify with the nurses they have pretty much seen us every weekend since November! Hunter is being cheated out of a the benifits I should be giving him leaving me feeling guilty. Then there are 3 children who have been cheated of their time with me because not only am I tending to a sick baby, but I am working, and preparing for a big move which sadly does not include them. I am cheating them out of their mommy.
There has been so much sadness in guilt these last few weeks. It is the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I debate with myself regularly if what I am doing is for the best. I beat myself up because Hunter can't get well. A friend from the NICU and I were speaking last night. Her daughter was a micro premie they had a much longer stay and a longer road ahead of them then we did of course. I felt almost stupid bringing up this but she reminded me he was in the NICU and those babies have a bigger battle to fight. We both agreed that we wondered how long we would worry about our babies and keeping them healthy. These worries are none that I really have dealt with before. Even as a first time mom 10 years ago I don't think I agonized this much. Now I feel it consumes me! So much infact I am taking time away from my other children and my family. They again get cheated.
In exactly 6 days I will be entering my new life and leaving this behind for now. I have felt myself emotionally closing off away from everyone. Even the party I am having to say goodbye seems like to much of an effort and would be best left not doing. I think deep down having those people around me Friday will make it more real to me what will be happening the following day. I think if I just played it off like any other Friday I could possibly cheat myself out of the guilt I am feeling. Even when Sean left tonight I didn't do anything extra special that would indicate to either himself or mine that this was infact our last weekend in the place together. That the next time he would come see me it would be a different dynamic. Not till I sat down and spoke to his step mom did I really realize " Oh wow this is it!" I sent her a message making sure I could still have him spend the night next Friday so I didn't cheat him out of our time.
I think about all the "last times" I will be having for a while and while at first it was no big deal to me they are coming as just an emotional wave! Who knew that it being the last time for a while that I would take the girls on Sunday night and prepare them for school for the week, or my last week of waking up early to coax and prode the girls to get ready for school, my last week of spending the short amount of time I get with them doing their homework and making dinner for them hearing them fight over who will tell me about their day first. This seem so mundane and not even a big deal but they are to me because lately I feel like I have cheated them out of that time. I have been so occupied with a sick baby, work and packing that I feel that they got cheated out of the special time with me in the evening and I feel so jealous that now Jason will have that with them getting his undivided attention.
I know this is only short term and that really I am not cheating them out of anything but they are and I am gaining so much more in the long run. That it is what it is and we can't always have things that we want when we want them it has to come with time. So I am forcing myself to embrace this change and know that it is for the best and while I fight the thoughts of cheating everyone including myself I know that I am actually gaining so much later on. I just have to stop beating myself up and feeling guitly for things that must be done. If those around me don't seem to understand and think that I infact am cheating my family and myself then to them I say please walk a mile in my shoes, live my life day by day and see that this is cheating them. They are loved and will forever be loved. Nothing lasts for ever and nothing ever stays the same. I will believe that until I have seen otherwise.
We knew the day we came home finally our luck had finally changed or so we had thought. We had just minor issues upon coming home. Some we were well aware would happen and others just sort of snuck up on us catching us off guard. The six week break we had before I was to return to work was just what we all needed. I know that everything I was doing was giving Hunter benifits and doing what it could to make him bigger and stronger, or was I?
Since he was going to be a premie I made it clear that I would strickly breast feed because I knew that would give him a much better shot of leaving the NICU sooner, gaining weight and making him over all just a healthier baby. I firmly believed this when we saw after 2 weeks we were going home. I believed that staying home with him till he was a little over 2 months old would also benifit him by letting him get just a litter stronger and a little more quiet time with rest. I was thrilled to go back to work, I had been out 3months! 2 months longer than I had planned!
Now I did not go into this blindly or nieve to that fact my child would be the picture of health and we would have no problems and my life at home with the kids would in fact be just smooth sailing. I did think well I have been raising the girls alone during the week what is one more chid? I can totally handle this. And I did and I still have been. A month later things started changing. Hunter finally got sick right around Thanksgiving, I started second guessing if my choices of being back in Dallas were wrong. I was hoping the kids didn't start resenting me because of all these changes I have imposed on their lives with really no question to them if they were ok with it. Even when my place was falling apart before our very eyes I thought " I can really do this, I am just being tested!" Around the middle of December Hunter started getting sick again! Ok I am really not surprised but still I thought he would at least give me a break in between. Finally after much debate we took him on Christmas Eve and he was diagnosed with RSV. We were waived a hospital stay since after all it was the holidays who wants to spend time in the hospital for observation when you have other children depending upon this grand holiday?! We also were dealing with other issues and it was really packing on the stress.
Earlier in the week unbenknownst to most people I had slowly been making the decision that would infact inpact our families lives. I don't really even think the people closest to me knew what was coming. Right at the start of Christmas break I finally spoke with Jason and told him our situation and how I felt it would best be rectified if for the remainder of Chris' enlistment I moved to Abilene. I cried about how I was not ditching the children or giving them up and how absolutely agonizing this was. He clearly understood and supported what I needed to do. Most don't know this but there are only a few people in my life whos approval means the most to me and even though he is my ex his still means a lot.
After the break I made the news public to everyone. And with Hunter not getting much better I knew it was the right thing to do but I started feeling cheated. I felt like I was cheating my kids. Here I was told that BF was the absolute best way to keep your child strong and healthy and it would be the best way for him. Here I am at the doctors office every weekend. No I don't exagerate please verify with the nurses they have pretty much seen us every weekend since November! Hunter is being cheated out of a the benifits I should be giving him leaving me feeling guilty. Then there are 3 children who have been cheated of their time with me because not only am I tending to a sick baby, but I am working, and preparing for a big move which sadly does not include them. I am cheating them out of their mommy.
There has been so much sadness in guilt these last few weeks. It is the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I debate with myself regularly if what I am doing is for the best. I beat myself up because Hunter can't get well. A friend from the NICU and I were speaking last night. Her daughter was a micro premie they had a much longer stay and a longer road ahead of them then we did of course. I felt almost stupid bringing up this but she reminded me he was in the NICU and those babies have a bigger battle to fight. We both agreed that we wondered how long we would worry about our babies and keeping them healthy. These worries are none that I really have dealt with before. Even as a first time mom 10 years ago I don't think I agonized this much. Now I feel it consumes me! So much infact I am taking time away from my other children and my family. They again get cheated.
In exactly 6 days I will be entering my new life and leaving this behind for now. I have felt myself emotionally closing off away from everyone. Even the party I am having to say goodbye seems like to much of an effort and would be best left not doing. I think deep down having those people around me Friday will make it more real to me what will be happening the following day. I think if I just played it off like any other Friday I could possibly cheat myself out of the guilt I am feeling. Even when Sean left tonight I didn't do anything extra special that would indicate to either himself or mine that this was infact our last weekend in the place together. That the next time he would come see me it would be a different dynamic. Not till I sat down and spoke to his step mom did I really realize " Oh wow this is it!" I sent her a message making sure I could still have him spend the night next Friday so I didn't cheat him out of our time.
I think about all the "last times" I will be having for a while and while at first it was no big deal to me they are coming as just an emotional wave! Who knew that it being the last time for a while that I would take the girls on Sunday night and prepare them for school for the week, or my last week of waking up early to coax and prode the girls to get ready for school, my last week of spending the short amount of time I get with them doing their homework and making dinner for them hearing them fight over who will tell me about their day first. This seem so mundane and not even a big deal but they are to me because lately I feel like I have cheated them out of that time. I have been so occupied with a sick baby, work and packing that I feel that they got cheated out of the special time with me in the evening and I feel so jealous that now Jason will have that with them getting his undivided attention.
I know this is only short term and that really I am not cheating them out of anything but they are and I am gaining so much more in the long run. That it is what it is and we can't always have things that we want when we want them it has to come with time. So I am forcing myself to embrace this change and know that it is for the best and while I fight the thoughts of cheating everyone including myself I know that I am actually gaining so much later on. I just have to stop beating myself up and feeling guitly for things that must be done. If those around me don't seem to understand and think that I infact am cheating my family and myself then to them I say please walk a mile in my shoes, live my life day by day and see that this is cheating them. They are loved and will forever be loved. Nothing lasts for ever and nothing ever stays the same. I will believe that until I have seen otherwise.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Down the road I go..
Wow did January really fly by that quickly?! It is bad enough the holiday season came and went but now to have this month fly by just baffles me. Of course the life in this house has been a whirlwind since about the middle of December so it only makes sense for me to feel this way right?
As most everyone knows now a lot of major things have been going on in the Dimmitt/Thomas house now for a while. One of the big ones is Hunter and I moving to be with Chris at the end of this month. The girls with stay with their dad. We all agree this is the best arrangement because of it being almost of the end of the school year, the kids have established lives here, routine, etc. And with Hannah starting a special program for her dyslexia too so we feel that this is the best for the girls. I will still see them and they will come stay with us on long weekends, holidays, vacations, and breaks. We could be out there a year at the most. The other big thing was Hunter's health. Christmas Eve we were diagnosed with RSV. We were very fortunate to not have to stay in the hospital. Looking back it might have been the best place for him to get better. We battled for a month with it, which it normally takes a while for a baby to get over RSV but with him being a premie we probably would have benefited from a hospital stay but with it being Christmas we I think were given a pass. In same cases the worst that happens with RSV is coughing and maybe an ear infection. Well we had that plus Pneumonia in the left lung and also now has developed reflux. We were told that children who have issues like these will develop reflux because of the drainage etc. Well all of this landed us in the hospital for a few days. The doctors and nurses worked their magic and we have a much better, much happier little boy.
Moving right along now, next week is my last week at The Community School. In the almost 4 years of teaching there my life has changed in so many ways. This place has become my second family. These people who have been there with me have been there through my darkest hours and my happiest. The more I think about it the harder it is becoming to let it hit me that I am really leaving. I will miss all the parents, teachers and children there so much. So many people there have touched my life in so many ways.
For the last week or so I have decided to put my alone time on hold and have my girls cuddle up into bed with me. That was until last night when Ella got sick. But I promised them next week we would cuddle till we can't cuddle any more! I see it daily the effects of my moving on them. the overly emotional behavior and the way they talk. It breaks my heart. I know it is hard on Sean to. This weekend is my last weekend alone with him. We are going to make it special some how. I know how hard this will be for him to. As it is he only sees me on the weekends but now it will be like every other weekend. But I tell myself I am doing what is for the best and that I will be home soon. Chris knows how hard this is for me and is doing what he can to make this transition smoother.
I know there are people who in the back of their mind must think that I am ditching these kids and wanting to start a new life with my new husband and baby. To them I say walk a mile in my shoes. I take care of 3 kids during the week by myself with help from my ex husband but that is about it. I work full time and come home to take care of them ALONE! For the last 18 months I have done this but now I feel that to make life less stressful, save money and sanity this is how I must solve this problem. Again if you don't get it please come over trade places with me and a the end of the day see how it feels.
Next Friday I am hoping my family and friends can join us as we say good bye to Dallas and hello to Abilene. I am looking forward to sharing this time with my family and friends because I know we all lead such busy lives and it is always hit and miss on getting together. So I do hope everyone can come by even if it just for a few minutes to say good bye and help us celebrate my new journey. Thankfully though Abilene is only 3 hours away and I will be home the following weekend for Hunter to have a check up so I guess it could be worse.
So I know I should probably be sleeping now but I have so much on my mind. I still have so much packing, organizing and cleaning to do I have no idea were to begin. I have used the excuse of work and Hunter being sick I think long enough now. I do think part of me is having a hard time accepting this transition and figures if I just ignore it, it will all go away. So far it's not working and I feel that I am accumulating rather than losing! Well I think I should try and force some shut eye. I have a baby with an erratic sleep schedule lately so who knows he could be up in 5 minutes or he could be up at 7am, who knows with him. So now it's time to say good night. Sweet dreams. Until I blog again........
As most everyone knows now a lot of major things have been going on in the Dimmitt/Thomas house now for a while. One of the big ones is Hunter and I moving to be with Chris at the end of this month. The girls with stay with their dad. We all agree this is the best arrangement because of it being almost of the end of the school year, the kids have established lives here, routine, etc. And with Hannah starting a special program for her dyslexia too so we feel that this is the best for the girls. I will still see them and they will come stay with us on long weekends, holidays, vacations, and breaks. We could be out there a year at the most. The other big thing was Hunter's health. Christmas Eve we were diagnosed with RSV. We were very fortunate to not have to stay in the hospital. Looking back it might have been the best place for him to get better. We battled for a month with it, which it normally takes a while for a baby to get over RSV but with him being a premie we probably would have benefited from a hospital stay but with it being Christmas we I think were given a pass. In same cases the worst that happens with RSV is coughing and maybe an ear infection. Well we had that plus Pneumonia in the left lung and also now has developed reflux. We were told that children who have issues like these will develop reflux because of the drainage etc. Well all of this landed us in the hospital for a few days. The doctors and nurses worked their magic and we have a much better, much happier little boy.
Moving right along now, next week is my last week at The Community School. In the almost 4 years of teaching there my life has changed in so many ways. This place has become my second family. These people who have been there with me have been there through my darkest hours and my happiest. The more I think about it the harder it is becoming to let it hit me that I am really leaving. I will miss all the parents, teachers and children there so much. So many people there have touched my life in so many ways.
For the last week or so I have decided to put my alone time on hold and have my girls cuddle up into bed with me. That was until last night when Ella got sick. But I promised them next week we would cuddle till we can't cuddle any more! I see it daily the effects of my moving on them. the overly emotional behavior and the way they talk. It breaks my heart. I know it is hard on Sean to. This weekend is my last weekend alone with him. We are going to make it special some how. I know how hard this will be for him to. As it is he only sees me on the weekends but now it will be like every other weekend. But I tell myself I am doing what is for the best and that I will be home soon. Chris knows how hard this is for me and is doing what he can to make this transition smoother.
I know there are people who in the back of their mind must think that I am ditching these kids and wanting to start a new life with my new husband and baby. To them I say walk a mile in my shoes. I take care of 3 kids during the week by myself with help from my ex husband but that is about it. I work full time and come home to take care of them ALONE! For the last 18 months I have done this but now I feel that to make life less stressful, save money and sanity this is how I must solve this problem. Again if you don't get it please come over trade places with me and a the end of the day see how it feels.
Next Friday I am hoping my family and friends can join us as we say good bye to Dallas and hello to Abilene. I am looking forward to sharing this time with my family and friends because I know we all lead such busy lives and it is always hit and miss on getting together. So I do hope everyone can come by even if it just for a few minutes to say good bye and help us celebrate my new journey. Thankfully though Abilene is only 3 hours away and I will be home the following weekend for Hunter to have a check up so I guess it could be worse.
So I know I should probably be sleeping now but I have so much on my mind. I still have so much packing, organizing and cleaning to do I have no idea were to begin. I have used the excuse of work and Hunter being sick I think long enough now. I do think part of me is having a hard time accepting this transition and figures if I just ignore it, it will all go away. So far it's not working and I feel that I am accumulating rather than losing! Well I think I should try and force some shut eye. I have a baby with an erratic sleep schedule lately so who knows he could be up in 5 minutes or he could be up at 7am, who knows with him. So now it's time to say good night. Sweet dreams. Until I blog again........
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Life back in the swing of things!
Well it has been a month now that I have been back home, back to work and back in a routine! It really went by so quick. I spent most of the last few days thinking about all the events over the course of the last 4 months that have changed everything. I think this mostly came on because I spent my Thanksgiving with my kids and husband out in Abilene. Being there this past week made me really miss life out there and the time with my husband.
We arrived Tuesday night after I got off work for our Thanksgiving break. The kids were so excited to see the duplex and just be on vacation! Wednesday was mostly spend shopping and baking while the kids played outside and enjoyed the new surroundings. Wednesday was also the day that it really hit me how much I love being out here. The duplex is big and roomy, it has a wonderful kitchen to cook in, a big laundry room, and just over all lots of room with updated appliances etc. I always compare my condo to this place and well there is just no comparison. Honestly come on I would much rather live in a place where I can open my doors and windows and still feel safe, were I can take a nice long walk and not worry about the people who are around me, and the kids can just run outside and play and run and be well a kid and I don't have to think about some nut job wanting to take off with them. This is how I want my kids to get to live and well a life for me also. But that is just the difference between Dallas and Abilene.
Thanksgiving day was busy busy. I do not think I sat down once! I pretty much cooked and cleaned throughout the day but I didn't care because I had all my kids and my husband together to celebrate. So dinner might have lasted less than 20 minutes but the fact that we actually all sat at the table together and shared this meal meant so much to me! I really spent the evening thinking how thankful I was for the family I have, that I have Hunter here with us, and that my husband is home and not deployed! This month marked 1 full year he has been home. He has not ever been home for a year at a time so this to us was a big deal.
By Friday I was dreading the fact that our trip was coming to a close and that the following day we would have to head home back to Dallas. I really love the peacefulness that being out there brings, having neighbors I actually know and talk to, these are just things I don't have where I live. I know this sounds like I should just pick up and move and if it was that simple I am sure I would but there is so much to take into consideration besides just me, I have 3 well 4 very good reasons why I am not packing up a U-Haul and moving out. Those reasons would be Sean, Hannah, Ella and my job. I am not selfish I think of the big picture. Anyways we made the most of the day by making goodies, putting up the tree and other Christmas decorations and the kids of course assembled a gingerbread house. They had such a great time I loved watching them play together.
Saturday morning came and I was just full of sadness. It meant that the break had come to an end. I hate packing! Some how we got the truck packed and loaded in about 45 min! This is a record for us. Around this time I started having trouble with my left eye. I spent the whole car ride growing so frustrated with it. Ella slept most of the ride and Hannah and Sean read or played video games. Hey I can handle that!! We got into Dallas around 7pm dropped Sean off and then headed to my house to wait for Jason to get the girls. Right after they left my eye had finally decided to swell shut so off to the ER we went. No big deal just an eye infection and scratched cornea. I'll be on eye drops for about 10days.
While we were there Chris and I realized that 13 weeks earlier we had just finished up dinner up in ante partum and discussing when Hunter might be making his appearance. I won't ever forget that Sunday morning my nurse DeeAnna told me it was my lucky day and I would be having a baby that day! That's when it hit us that 3 months have passed so fast. Well make that 4 months. So much has happened and changed it is crazy. A month ago I moved back to Dallas to go back to work and resume some sort of normalcy. I will say it was a slow rough start but it is getting better. Hunter did get his 1st ear infection a week ago but ya know what he is a good sick baby so I can't complain. Sean has made great progress with his own health and it makes me so happy.
So in one way or another things are back to normal. Now we are gearing up for Christmas break which is 3 weeks away. where is the time going?! Well the lil man is up and needs to eat and I need some sleep. Back to the grind tomorrow. I can hold out a few more weeks for a nice vacation.
We arrived Tuesday night after I got off work for our Thanksgiving break. The kids were so excited to see the duplex and just be on vacation! Wednesday was mostly spend shopping and baking while the kids played outside and enjoyed the new surroundings. Wednesday was also the day that it really hit me how much I love being out here. The duplex is big and roomy, it has a wonderful kitchen to cook in, a big laundry room, and just over all lots of room with updated appliances etc. I always compare my condo to this place and well there is just no comparison. Honestly come on I would much rather live in a place where I can open my doors and windows and still feel safe, were I can take a nice long walk and not worry about the people who are around me, and the kids can just run outside and play and run and be well a kid and I don't have to think about some nut job wanting to take off with them. This is how I want my kids to get to live and well a life for me also. But that is just the difference between Dallas and Abilene.
Thanksgiving day was busy busy. I do not think I sat down once! I pretty much cooked and cleaned throughout the day but I didn't care because I had all my kids and my husband together to celebrate. So dinner might have lasted less than 20 minutes but the fact that we actually all sat at the table together and shared this meal meant so much to me! I really spent the evening thinking how thankful I was for the family I have, that I have Hunter here with us, and that my husband is home and not deployed! This month marked 1 full year he has been home. He has not ever been home for a year at a time so this to us was a big deal.
By Friday I was dreading the fact that our trip was coming to a close and that the following day we would have to head home back to Dallas. I really love the peacefulness that being out there brings, having neighbors I actually know and talk to, these are just things I don't have where I live. I know this sounds like I should just pick up and move and if it was that simple I am sure I would but there is so much to take into consideration besides just me, I have 3 well 4 very good reasons why I am not packing up a U-Haul and moving out. Those reasons would be Sean, Hannah, Ella and my job. I am not selfish I think of the big picture. Anyways we made the most of the day by making goodies, putting up the tree and other Christmas decorations and the kids of course assembled a gingerbread house. They had such a great time I loved watching them play together.
Saturday morning came and I was just full of sadness. It meant that the break had come to an end. I hate packing! Some how we got the truck packed and loaded in about 45 min! This is a record for us. Around this time I started having trouble with my left eye. I spent the whole car ride growing so frustrated with it. Ella slept most of the ride and Hannah and Sean read or played video games. Hey I can handle that!! We got into Dallas around 7pm dropped Sean off and then headed to my house to wait for Jason to get the girls. Right after they left my eye had finally decided to swell shut so off to the ER we went. No big deal just an eye infection and scratched cornea. I'll be on eye drops for about 10days.
While we were there Chris and I realized that 13 weeks earlier we had just finished up dinner up in ante partum and discussing when Hunter might be making his appearance. I won't ever forget that Sunday morning my nurse DeeAnna told me it was my lucky day and I would be having a baby that day! That's when it hit us that 3 months have passed so fast. Well make that 4 months. So much has happened and changed it is crazy. A month ago I moved back to Dallas to go back to work and resume some sort of normalcy. I will say it was a slow rough start but it is getting better. Hunter did get his 1st ear infection a week ago but ya know what he is a good sick baby so I can't complain. Sean has made great progress with his own health and it makes me so happy.
So in one way or another things are back to normal. Now we are gearing up for Christmas break which is 3 weeks away. where is the time going?! Well the lil man is up and needs to eat and I need some sleep. Back to the grind tomorrow. I can hold out a few more weeks for a nice vacation.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Long overdue!
Wow 3 months since I have updated. Part of me thought about it while laying in my oh so comfy hospital room for the 7+ week stay that I had. But I got lazy and figured facebook would be easier to update. Looking back I think maybe blogging would have helped me in my stress relief but oh well hind sight is 20/20 right?
So as most everyone knows I did in fact end up going to Chris' promotion ceremony that weekend since well that is where all my excitement began. I was so proud to be apart of his day so proud and excited I ignored my bodies signals to tell me to take it easy and slow down. Something I don't think Chris and I will ever forget that day was his commander saying as he shook Chris' hand was.. " What a great weekend for you, a promotion and what about a baby?!" We laughed and I said " Oh no not quiet yet we still have a few weeks to go!" Maybe he knew something I didn't ha ha! Long story short very early Sunday morning I was taking by Care Flight to Dallas to Medical City Dallas for preterm labor and severe Pre Clampsia. My blood pressure was rounding stroke levels that day. From July 31st till August 29th I was to be on bed rest.
Hunter made his grand 5 week early entrance on August 29th at 7:47pm. The whole ordeal was somewhat traumatic. My blood pressure was out of control. I was pumped full of what is called Magnesium Sulfate. This was to control my BP it's effects where horrible. At one point there was talk of a C Section and I made it very firm and clear there would be none of that! Hunter must have gotten the message because a few hours later he was on his way out! The scary part was once he was born he never cried. He was rushed away. I never saw him, never held him. It was at the point things became such a blur and I was sinking quickly into a sad depressed state. I later learned through a horrible ordeal with some nurses that my son was not really able to regulate his breathing, and his body temp. He was struggling to eat choking and throwing up most of what he was eating. I was devastated. I was not able to see, hold or bond with my baby. I was to sick to leave my bed and he was to sick to be away from the nurses. The 18 hours after that where a blur. After a wonderful conversation with our pedi I was able to see Hunter after each feeding for about 15 minutes. It wasn't much but I was ok with it. That lasted twice he got to sick and it was then decided since he wasn't breathing normal and eating the right way he must need to go to the NICU. I was crushed. I was told he would be put on what is called CPAP. Somehow by the grace of God he didn't need it. By 10pm that night I was finally able to see my son. I however still was sick my BP was so high I should have had a stroke. I think someone up above knew that being with my son was what my body and mind really needed to help me through this.
In the days following we spend 10 days in the NICU. We learned how got his breathing to mature more, he was able to to actually take a bottle and learn how to suck, swallow and breath. We dealt with jaundice and rapid weight loss. In a matter of a day and a half we went from 5lbs 10oz to 4lbs 8oz. On September 7th after passing the car seat study and going 5 days with no major alarms we where given the ok to room in at the NICU before going home the next day. While our stay was only 10 days and minor to most of those babies in the NICU. It was still a real wake up call. We had a pod mate who was born a micro premie and was just as cute as could be. She was a real fighter and we became friends with their family. Their daughter after over a 100+ days there got to take their baby home. Every day when Chris and I would walk into our pod we felt almost guilty for being there. Hunter was thriving faster than we all thought and not nearly as in need of help and sick as her pod mates. The day we left I felt horrible I couldn't look at the other pod because I felt guilty for taking my baby home. They had been there month's we had been there days. It took me some time but I finally let it go and knew that every baby was different and we where all there in that NICU because we needed to be there. The hardest day though was when we had found out a baby had passed. We didn't know the family but still seeing it all was just horrible. I held my baby extra tight that day and was thankful for all that I had.
I have now spent my maternity leave and recovery here in Abilene with Chris. I must say it has been nice. We moved into a nice duplex a few few weeks back. I love this neighborhood and am sad to have to leave here on the 30th to go back to Dallas. Dallas is where my family is though. I need to be back in my routine of work and raising my other kids. They need me and I need them. I can't have my cake and eat it to. I have loved being out here, not just being with my husband but just the lifestyle out here. We have friendly neighbors, it's quiet and safe, and I feel comfortable and safe. But my home and life is Dallas. Am I worried how it will be once I am home and don't have Chris to help me? Yes and no. I will be back at work and Hunter will be right there with me across the hall safe with is loving teachers. I am more nervous about how Chris will be once we are gone. We still have weekends and with the holidays coming it will all work out. We have made it this far and I know we will continue to make it all work.
As for the kiddos they are doing great with school. Hannah has glasses now and from the picture I have seen she looks so super cute and sophisticated! Ella loves kindergarten she loves it so much she can't stop talking!! Actually she is doing better according to Jason after her parent teacher conference. Sean is just as smart as ever and doing so well with school. Even with his health issues while I was in the hospital and having to miss the first week of school he has not let it slow him down. We had some rough patches but he has done awesome. We are still awaiting his genetic test results. My heart breaks when he hurts and when he went through his ordeal this summer. It made it worse since I couldn't be there. Myranda though is awesome and really has a great handle on all this. I really don't know what I would do if he didn't have a step mom like her! She is like a 2nd mom to my children. I trust her more than I trust most people with my kids.
Well this is a long enough update and should catch anyone up that might have been in the dark! I think once I am back home and settled I will do much better with the updates. It feels good to be writing again. Thanks to those who reminded me I needed to update!
So as most everyone knows I did in fact end up going to Chris' promotion ceremony that weekend since well that is where all my excitement began. I was so proud to be apart of his day so proud and excited I ignored my bodies signals to tell me to take it easy and slow down. Something I don't think Chris and I will ever forget that day was his commander saying as he shook Chris' hand was.. " What a great weekend for you, a promotion and what about a baby?!" We laughed and I said " Oh no not quiet yet we still have a few weeks to go!" Maybe he knew something I didn't ha ha! Long story short very early Sunday morning I was taking by Care Flight to Dallas to Medical City Dallas for preterm labor and severe Pre Clampsia. My blood pressure was rounding stroke levels that day. From July 31st till August 29th I was to be on bed rest.
Hunter made his grand 5 week early entrance on August 29th at 7:47pm. The whole ordeal was somewhat traumatic. My blood pressure was out of control. I was pumped full of what is called Magnesium Sulfate. This was to control my BP it's effects where horrible. At one point there was talk of a C Section and I made it very firm and clear there would be none of that! Hunter must have gotten the message because a few hours later he was on his way out! The scary part was once he was born he never cried. He was rushed away. I never saw him, never held him. It was at the point things became such a blur and I was sinking quickly into a sad depressed state. I later learned through a horrible ordeal with some nurses that my son was not really able to regulate his breathing, and his body temp. He was struggling to eat choking and throwing up most of what he was eating. I was devastated. I was not able to see, hold or bond with my baby. I was to sick to leave my bed and he was to sick to be away from the nurses. The 18 hours after that where a blur. After a wonderful conversation with our pedi I was able to see Hunter after each feeding for about 15 minutes. It wasn't much but I was ok with it. That lasted twice he got to sick and it was then decided since he wasn't breathing normal and eating the right way he must need to go to the NICU. I was crushed. I was told he would be put on what is called CPAP. Somehow by the grace of God he didn't need it. By 10pm that night I was finally able to see my son. I however still was sick my BP was so high I should have had a stroke. I think someone up above knew that being with my son was what my body and mind really needed to help me through this.
In the days following we spend 10 days in the NICU. We learned how got his breathing to mature more, he was able to to actually take a bottle and learn how to suck, swallow and breath. We dealt with jaundice and rapid weight loss. In a matter of a day and a half we went from 5lbs 10oz to 4lbs 8oz. On September 7th after passing the car seat study and going 5 days with no major alarms we where given the ok to room in at the NICU before going home the next day. While our stay was only 10 days and minor to most of those babies in the NICU. It was still a real wake up call. We had a pod mate who was born a micro premie and was just as cute as could be. She was a real fighter and we became friends with their family. Their daughter after over a 100+ days there got to take their baby home. Every day when Chris and I would walk into our pod we felt almost guilty for being there. Hunter was thriving faster than we all thought and not nearly as in need of help and sick as her pod mates. The day we left I felt horrible I couldn't look at the other pod because I felt guilty for taking my baby home. They had been there month's we had been there days. It took me some time but I finally let it go and knew that every baby was different and we where all there in that NICU because we needed to be there. The hardest day though was when we had found out a baby had passed. We didn't know the family but still seeing it all was just horrible. I held my baby extra tight that day and was thankful for all that I had.
I have now spent my maternity leave and recovery here in Abilene with Chris. I must say it has been nice. We moved into a nice duplex a few few weeks back. I love this neighborhood and am sad to have to leave here on the 30th to go back to Dallas. Dallas is where my family is though. I need to be back in my routine of work and raising my other kids. They need me and I need them. I can't have my cake and eat it to. I have loved being out here, not just being with my husband but just the lifestyle out here. We have friendly neighbors, it's quiet and safe, and I feel comfortable and safe. But my home and life is Dallas. Am I worried how it will be once I am home and don't have Chris to help me? Yes and no. I will be back at work and Hunter will be right there with me across the hall safe with is loving teachers. I am more nervous about how Chris will be once we are gone. We still have weekends and with the holidays coming it will all work out. We have made it this far and I know we will continue to make it all work.
As for the kiddos they are doing great with school. Hannah has glasses now and from the picture I have seen she looks so super cute and sophisticated! Ella loves kindergarten she loves it so much she can't stop talking!! Actually she is doing better according to Jason after her parent teacher conference. Sean is just as smart as ever and doing so well with school. Even with his health issues while I was in the hospital and having to miss the first week of school he has not let it slow him down. We had some rough patches but he has done awesome. We are still awaiting his genetic test results. My heart breaks when he hurts and when he went through his ordeal this summer. It made it worse since I couldn't be there. Myranda though is awesome and really has a great handle on all this. I really don't know what I would do if he didn't have a step mom like her! She is like a 2nd mom to my children. I trust her more than I trust most people with my kids.
Well this is a long enough update and should catch anyone up that might have been in the dark! I think once I am back home and settled I will do much better with the updates. It feels good to be writing again. Thanks to those who reminded me I needed to update!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Another family update
So it's been about 6 weeks since my last update. Not to much is going on but life is still as busy as ever. We survived Sean and Hannah's birthdays and their parties. So birthdays are done for now thankfully!
Hannah had her testing done at Scottish Rite we go in a few weeks to get her results. She said it was not to bad and we did learn we need to get her vision tested. So here in the next month we will get that checked.
We find out this week if Ella will be going to Stonewall Jackson with her big sister and brother. Please keep your fingers crossed. Ella is really hoping to be there and so are we. The hearing seem to go well last week and they loved Ella.
Sean has been enjoying his summer at the YMCA camp. He is really coming into his own with his own style and stuff. It's amazing how much he really has just grown up. He will be in his last year of elementary school this year and has a busy year planned.
A month ago Chris found out he made his next rank as Tech Sergent. He has been working really hard for this and I am so proud of him. He sews on this rank on Friday. I am hoping to be there to be a part of it but not sure yet. It would make his day though if he could have his family there. Sean is hoping we can go too. He is wanting to see this and he likes taking the trip out there.
I am sure most of you want a update on baby Hunter. I had my glucose test today. Won't hear back for a few days on how that went. There are still concerns seems to be new ones so we are just taking it as they come. I barely gained 2lbs in 6 weeks and my measurements are not looking great. They haven't changed much at all from my last visit. We have an apt. to go get a Ultrasound Saturday morning. They want to check his growth and fluid levels. On the upside I am dilating so that is good. I have an apt. in 2 weeks but it might be sooner depending upon my results. Just keep your fingers crossed.
As for me, my school stuff is just about finished. All my stuff is turned in I just now wait to see if it's all complete and then submit it to the CDA council and wait for a date to meet with them. That should be this fall. Once that is completed I will aim to complete my Associates degree and take more classes in the Spring.
I will wrap this up with how excited I am about looking at this baby stuff around me! We have diapers, wipes, clothes and bottles. We also have a stroller and some toys and we are picking up a bunch of stuff this weekend from family. We are so excited and thankful for it all. It's starting to make all this more real. It's making us more nervous and scared. But in a good way. It's been 5 years so hopefully we aren't to rusty at the whole baby thing ha! I have spent tons of time on Babies R Us and Carters. I have so much stuff on my wish list and registry it's crazy. I am having way to much fun and I know Chris is too.
Well it's time for bed. Busy week ahead and I need some sleep. Ha ya right sleep is now a thing of the past! But it's ok I don't mind. But still rest is always a welcomed thing here! Good night all!
Hannah had her testing done at Scottish Rite we go in a few weeks to get her results. She said it was not to bad and we did learn we need to get her vision tested. So here in the next month we will get that checked.
We find out this week if Ella will be going to Stonewall Jackson with her big sister and brother. Please keep your fingers crossed. Ella is really hoping to be there and so are we. The hearing seem to go well last week and they loved Ella.
Sean has been enjoying his summer at the YMCA camp. He is really coming into his own with his own style and stuff. It's amazing how much he really has just grown up. He will be in his last year of elementary school this year and has a busy year planned.
A month ago Chris found out he made his next rank as Tech Sergent. He has been working really hard for this and I am so proud of him. He sews on this rank on Friday. I am hoping to be there to be a part of it but not sure yet. It would make his day though if he could have his family there. Sean is hoping we can go too. He is wanting to see this and he likes taking the trip out there.
I am sure most of you want a update on baby Hunter. I had my glucose test today. Won't hear back for a few days on how that went. There are still concerns seems to be new ones so we are just taking it as they come. I barely gained 2lbs in 6 weeks and my measurements are not looking great. They haven't changed much at all from my last visit. We have an apt. to go get a Ultrasound Saturday morning. They want to check his growth and fluid levels. On the upside I am dilating so that is good. I have an apt. in 2 weeks but it might be sooner depending upon my results. Just keep your fingers crossed.
As for me, my school stuff is just about finished. All my stuff is turned in I just now wait to see if it's all complete and then submit it to the CDA council and wait for a date to meet with them. That should be this fall. Once that is completed I will aim to complete my Associates degree and take more classes in the Spring.
I will wrap this up with how excited I am about looking at this baby stuff around me! We have diapers, wipes, clothes and bottles. We also have a stroller and some toys and we are picking up a bunch of stuff this weekend from family. We are so excited and thankful for it all. It's starting to make all this more real. It's making us more nervous and scared. But in a good way. It's been 5 years so hopefully we aren't to rusty at the whole baby thing ha! I have spent tons of time on Babies R Us and Carters. I have so much stuff on my wish list and registry it's crazy. I am having way to much fun and I know Chris is too.
Well it's time for bed. Busy week ahead and I need some sleep. Ha ya right sleep is now a thing of the past! But it's ok I don't mind. But still rest is always a welcomed thing here! Good night all!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Busy! Busy!
Evening folks! I promise to make this blog a bit more enjoyable than my last. I was just having a real down time with things and had to vent so to speak.
So this past weekend was wonderful in so many ways. Friday night my husband came home and we attended a wonderful rehearsal dinner for my little sister Jenny. Jenny is my middle sister who lives in Austin. Her husband Nate is such a wonderful man. He is so smart, funny and loves my sister like mad! We had a great dinner at Momo's where we sat and talked the night away with family. I loved sitting with my sisters and cousin Kristen reliving our childhood days and the crazy things we did. I have to say Jenny's hair dying faze topped the chart! HA HA!
Saturday Chris and I had an enjoyable breakfast at Chick-fil-A. Then off to run last minute errands and grab Sean. The wedding was at 7pm at my cousin Kristen's house. She has raised Jenny like her own daughter for the last 12 years and she has done an amazing job. Her house was set up quiet nicely inside and out for this wonderful ceremony. The service itself was held out doors. Yes it might have been a steamy June night but with the nice breeze no one seemed to mind. The service was lovely short and sweet. Nate was not afraid to show his emotional side. I have posted the pictures to my facebook page I hope to have more from others soon to post. We had a great time and stayed till Jenny and Nate where ready to call it a night!
Sunday was Sean's 10th birthday party! Wow can you believe on the 22nd he will be 10 years old?! The time is just flying by! We had his party at the Galleria. He wanted to do broomball so him and about 7 of his friends went and played for an hour. We had some wonderful cake and Cici's pizza. I think the party was a hit. Thank you so much David and Myranda. We had a great evening!!
Monday morning was my doctors apt. Chris and I have been a little nervous about it due to what has been going on. Of course what kind of morning before a doctors be without what I later found out where contractions. I woke up did my usual routine of a breathing treatment ect. and decided to lay back down for a few since I was tired. I started having the most horrible cramping you can imagine so bad you can't talk or move! It's been 5 years since I have had pains like that so of course I really don't remember what the "real" contractions feel like. Of course this caused Chris to worry a little and when I was able I said I was fine and why worry in an hour we would be at the doctors. It happened a few more times so I casually mentioned some severe cramping ect. She looked alarmed and then I was really alarmed! I was put on monitors for a stress test for 20 minutes to check Hunters movement and see if they detected anymore contractions. Fortunately for both of us nothing happened except a child who really, really does not like the monitor pressing on his "home"! He did plenty of movement for everyone to be satisfied that I would not need to be admitted to the Ante Partum unit again! Thank you son!!
They also tested for infection and all came back clear! They did say if I continue to have these contractions to call ASAP for a recheck. We also discussed my lungs and agreed that I should check in with that doctor this week to make sure all was clear on that end too. I have an apt. later this week.
As most of you know I am trying to finish up my Child Development Associate Certificate. This has been a long process due to so much family stuff coming up preventing me to complete it. The time has come now and now I am registered for the summer course at Brookhaven. I meet with my professor/ advisor on Thursday to check out my resource file ect. and make sure I have everything completely 100% in order ready for my evaluation from the evaluator from DC! It has been quiet nerve racking actually. I hope that I have this completed well before Hunter decides to arrive. That is my goal and I feel very strongly about it. I just hope everything is the way it should be Thursday so that I can get this show on the road!
Well that about catches everyone up for now. I am sure I will blog this weekend. Hope everyone has a wonderful week. Time to go catch some zzzzzzzz's!
So this past weekend was wonderful in so many ways. Friday night my husband came home and we attended a wonderful rehearsal dinner for my little sister Jenny. Jenny is my middle sister who lives in Austin. Her husband Nate is such a wonderful man. He is so smart, funny and loves my sister like mad! We had a great dinner at Momo's where we sat and talked the night away with family. I loved sitting with my sisters and cousin Kristen reliving our childhood days and the crazy things we did. I have to say Jenny's hair dying faze topped the chart! HA HA!
Saturday Chris and I had an enjoyable breakfast at Chick-fil-A. Then off to run last minute errands and grab Sean. The wedding was at 7pm at my cousin Kristen's house. She has raised Jenny like her own daughter for the last 12 years and she has done an amazing job. Her house was set up quiet nicely inside and out for this wonderful ceremony. The service itself was held out doors. Yes it might have been a steamy June night but with the nice breeze no one seemed to mind. The service was lovely short and sweet. Nate was not afraid to show his emotional side. I have posted the pictures to my facebook page I hope to have more from others soon to post. We had a great time and stayed till Jenny and Nate where ready to call it a night!
Sunday was Sean's 10th birthday party! Wow can you believe on the 22nd he will be 10 years old?! The time is just flying by! We had his party at the Galleria. He wanted to do broomball so him and about 7 of his friends went and played for an hour. We had some wonderful cake and Cici's pizza. I think the party was a hit. Thank you so much David and Myranda. We had a great evening!!
Monday morning was my doctors apt. Chris and I have been a little nervous about it due to what has been going on. Of course what kind of morning before a doctors be without what I later found out where contractions. I woke up did my usual routine of a breathing treatment ect. and decided to lay back down for a few since I was tired. I started having the most horrible cramping you can imagine so bad you can't talk or move! It's been 5 years since I have had pains like that so of course I really don't remember what the "real" contractions feel like. Of course this caused Chris to worry a little and when I was able I said I was fine and why worry in an hour we would be at the doctors. It happened a few more times so I casually mentioned some severe cramping ect. She looked alarmed and then I was really alarmed! I was put on monitors for a stress test for 20 minutes to check Hunters movement and see if they detected anymore contractions. Fortunately for both of us nothing happened except a child who really, really does not like the monitor pressing on his "home"! He did plenty of movement for everyone to be satisfied that I would not need to be admitted to the Ante Partum unit again! Thank you son!!
They also tested for infection and all came back clear! They did say if I continue to have these contractions to call ASAP for a recheck. We also discussed my lungs and agreed that I should check in with that doctor this week to make sure all was clear on that end too. I have an apt. later this week.
As most of you know I am trying to finish up my Child Development Associate Certificate. This has been a long process due to so much family stuff coming up preventing me to complete it. The time has come now and now I am registered for the summer course at Brookhaven. I meet with my professor/ advisor on Thursday to check out my resource file ect. and make sure I have everything completely 100% in order ready for my evaluation from the evaluator from DC! It has been quiet nerve racking actually. I hope that I have this completed well before Hunter decides to arrive. That is my goal and I feel very strongly about it. I just hope everything is the way it should be Thursday so that I can get this show on the road!
Well that about catches everyone up for now. I am sure I will blog this weekend. Hope everyone has a wonderful week. Time to go catch some zzzzzzzz's!
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